Chapter 70
Chapter 70
He Qian went to take a shower, leaving Qin Song sitting alone in the living room, smoking.
His nose was a little stuffed from crying for so long, and every now and then he had to open his mouth and breathe like a fish.
He Qian came out of the bathroom. “Go wash up.”
Qin Song said, “I’m not in the mood.”
He Qian said, “At least wash your face.”
Thinking of how his face had been covered in tears and snot just now, Qin Song went to the sink and washed his face.
Afterward, he asked He Qian like a child, “Can I still sleep in the same bed with you tonight?”
He Qian nodded. “Of course.”
Qin Song obediently took off his clothes and crawled under the covers.
He Qian lay flat on the bed. Qin Song moved closer, hugged her tightly, and buried his face in the crook of her neck.
Carefully, Qin Song asked, “Can we talk a little more?”
He Qian smiled helplessly. “Why are you acting so timid? Even if we’re divorced, it doesn’t mean we’ve cut each other off.”
Qin Song murmured, “Mm.”
He Qian asked, “What do you want to talk about?”
Qin Song said, “Anything. Everything. We never talked enough before. I’m only starting to regret that today.”
He Qian said, “True. Normally, once you subtract the eight hours you spend sleeping, you’re only awake at home for about four or five hours a day.”
There were twenty-four hours in a day. On average, Qin Song spent five waking hours at home each day, and out of those five hours, the time he could actually sit down and have a proper conversation with He Qian was less than half an hour-sometimes none at all.
Once again, Qin Song realized that partings between people always came so suddenly.
If people could know in advance that, at some future moment, an unavoidable separation was coming, anyone would grieve for all the time they had once wasted.
Unfortunately, people could not predict the future. Just as Qin Song back then could never have predicted that, on a high-speed train, he would write the opening chapter of an affair.
Qin Song asked, “All these years you spent as my wife… were you happy?”
He Qian said, “Overall, I guess it was okay. But if I had to choose again, I might not want to get married.”
Qin Song asked, “Why?”
He Qian said, “What do you think?”
Qin Song said, “I always felt like our life was steady and comfortable. Wasn’t it the same for you?”
He Qian said, “It was steady, yes. But I wasn’t exactly comfortable.”
Qin Song burrowed a little deeper into the crook of He Qian’s neck. “I’m sorry… I should have communicated with you more before. I only ever thought about myself. I ignored your feelings too much.”
He Qian said, “It’s fine. It’s all in the past.”
Qin Song asked, “Is there anything you want to ask me?”
He Qian said, “Tell me about those two lovers of yours.”
Awkwardly, Qin Song said, “Those relationships are already over. And the one that isn’t, I’ll end tomorrow morning.”
He Qian said, “Why bother? Since the two of us are getting divorced anyway, there’s no need for you to break up with anyone.”
Qin Song shook his head. “No, that’s not right. I’ve already realized what’s right and what’s wrong.”
He Qian smiled. “Have you?”
Qin Song said, “When I was smoking in the living room just now, I thought about a lot of things. So many times before, you would be giggling at your phone. When I asked what you were laughing at, you would hand me your phone right away and show me the video or joke you’d come across.”
He Qian said, “What’s so special about that?”
Qin Song said, “To you, that action was completely natural. But for me, it was something very hard to do. If you held out your hand and asked for my phone, the first thing I would think about was whether another woman might suddenly message me at that moment. I would get nervous. I wouldn’t dare just hand it to you.”
He Qian said, “All right. I never thought that deeply about it.”
Qin Song said, “A lot of people say a woman is a school. Every day I spent with you before felt as plain as boiled water. I never managed to find the little sparks in that kind of life. But today, I understand. We’ve been married for nine years, and over those nine years, you taught me one thing.”
He Qian asked, “What?”
Qin Song said, “Loyalty.”
He Qian fell silent.
Qin Song said, “The belief I heard all my life growing up was that all men make the mistake of cheating. A lot of people see a man cheating as something to be expected. But I don’t think that means it’s only right and natural for men to cheat. That saying is nothing but a shield we use for our mistakes.”
He Qian said, “If another man said that, I’d have my doubts. Coming from you, it actually sounds somewhat credible.”
Qin Song said, “If you’re mocking me, I’ll accept it.”
He Qian said, “You’re a scumbag with self-awareness.”
Qin Song said, “If cursing me out would make you forgive me, I’d be willing to let you curse me for the rest of my life.”
He Qian said, “In your dreams.”
Qin Song gave a bitter smile and continued, “Hardly anyone says women make the mistake of cheating, as if women don’t cheat not because they have strong self-control, but because they’re just naturally programmed that way. But that’s not true. I’ve seen terrible women too-eating from the bowl while eyeing the pot, neither accepting nor rejecting anyone, refusing to give people a clear answer, using that dragged-out limbo to drain a man’s wallet and energy. And that woman who came to see you today-while she was with me, she was dating three other men at the same time. She even thought I didn’t know.”
He Qian gave a cold laugh. “You people sure know how to have fun.”
Qin Song said, “What I mean is, your loyalty to me wasn’t because that was simply how you were supposed to be. It was because you had morals, because you had boundaries, because you could withstand temptation and endure loneliness. From that perspective, I’m the one who wasn’t worthy of you.”
He Qian said, “Don’t flatter me. I have no money and no looks. No one was trying to tempt me in the first place.”
Qin Song said, “Are looks and money the only standards we use to judge a person? No. Right now, I think you’re the most charming woman I’ve ever met.”
He Qian said, “No need to flatter me.”
Qin Song said, “Actually, if I hadn’t locked you up at home back then and stopped you from going out to work, maybe you would have built a career of your own by now.”
He Qian said, “Maybe. But there’s no point thinking about that now.”
Qin Song asked, “Do you hate me?”
He Qian said, “Not anymore.”
Qin Song asked, “Then do you still love me?”
He Qian turned her head toward Qin Song. “If I don’t love you, we can’t go on. If I do love you, after the things you did to me, we still can’t go on.”
Qin Song fell silent.
He Qian asked, “What about your other lover? What kind of person is she?”
Qin Song thought carefully for a moment. “If she hadn’t gone out into society and started working, she might have been a similar type to you. But something happened to her husband a few years ago, so her family depended on her working outside the home. I think she was with me more for the financial help.”
He Qian asked, “Then how did the two of you end things in the end?”
Qin Song said, “To be honest, I don’t know either. It was just that one day, out of nowhere, she brought up breaking up with me. I asked her why, and she only said she felt it was wrong for us to be having an affair, and that something wrong should eventually come to an end. And just like that, we split up.”
He Qian asked, “Do you think that was really the reason?”
Qin Song said, “At her age, what’s there to talk about right or wrong? If she truly thought it was wrong, she wouldn’t have gotten involved with me in the first place. I think she found a backer richer or more powerful than me.”
He Qian said, “I’m a little curious. When men look for women outside their marriage, what kind of mindset are they in? Are they just chasing excitement, or do they really develop feelings?”
Qin Song said, “That’s a little complicated to explain.”
He Qian said, “Try me.”
Qin Song said, “First of all, this thing men call ‘cheating’ can be divided into many kinds.”
He Qian asked, “Emotional cheating and physical cheating?”
Qin Song said, “Exactly. But we men usually don’t count the former.”
He Qian said, “We women do.”
Qin Song said, “True. If I put myself in your shoes, if one day I found out you’d fallen for someone else, I’d definitely feel like that was a betrayal too.”
He Qian asked, “And physical cheating?”
Qin Song said, “Physical cheating also has two types. One is a momentary impulse, what people usually call a one-night stand. In that case, the man might not even remember exactly what the woman looked like. He only vaguely remembers how that night felt. The other type starts emotionally, then naturally develops into something physical.”
He Qian asked, “Can you give me a rough idea of how many men have cheated emotionally or physically?”
Qin Song said, “I’d estimate… eighty percent. Maybe even ninety.”
He Qian said, “Seriously…?”
Qin Song said, “Women are more constant in love than men. You wouldn’t really understand it. For men, after dating for two or three years, the urge is basically gone. Passion turns into familial affection. So what happens to that part of the urge that can’t be released? It gets released toward new sources of excitement that appear in life.”
He Qian said, “I haven’t experienced it, but I can imagine. Medically speaking, there are traces to follow too: the secretion of dopamine, oxytocin, and phenethylamine can make people love intensely, but when the secretion of those three things decreases, love disappears as well.”
Qin Song said, “Only when love disappears can you see a person’s character.”
He Qian asked, “Would that many men really choose to release their urges on people outside the relationship after love disappears? Aren’t you exaggerating the range a little?”
Qin Song said, “There’s a misconception here. I have a bit of money, so you might instinctively think men only go bad when they have money, and that only rich men cheat. But that’s not true… Rich people have their ways of playing, and ordinary people have theirs.”
He Qian asked, “What do you mean?”
Qin Song said, “Men with social status or financial means naturally have women throwing themselves at them. If that woman is a little prettier and a little cleverer, it won’t take long before the feeling becomes mutual. Besides, even if we don’t encounter anyone like that in daily life, we can go to high-end clubs. The women who work there are beautiful too.”
He Qian asked, “Then what about ordinary people, or poor people?”
Qin Song said, “Then there are far fewer women throwing themselves at them, but that doesn’t mean there are none. Fish seek fish, shrimp seek shrimp. Everyone has their own circle. Ordinary women or poor women can only look for ordinary men or poor men too. Sure, they’d like to find someone rich and powerful, but can they?”
He Qian asked, “Then if no one throws themselves at those men, can they behave themselves?”
Qin Song said, “Do you think there are women who like throwing themselves at migrant workers? Then when migrant workers are away from home working, how do they satisfy their needs?”
He Qian said, “So none of you men are any good.”
Qin Song said, “I want to refute that, but I really can’t find any theoretical basis for it. Good men definitely exist. I’m sure of that. But after you leave me, I’d rather you live a comfortable little life on your own and not keep testing your luck. Trial and error comes at a cost.”
He Qian asked, “Then what about you?”
Qin Song said, “I’m tired. I’ll live alone too. If, many years from now, I want to build a family again, I’ll stay faithful for the rest of my life.”
He Qian asked, “Why do you seem like a completely different person?”
Qin Song said, “Because of my infidelity, I lost the most important person in the world to me. This is God’s punishment for me.”