Chapter 43
Chapter 43
Her voice dissolved into the fine snow, still carrying its uniquely soft, gentle lilt.
Shen Si turned around in silence and looked at Ji Hanyi, who stood behind him.
She had changed into the clothes prepared for her. Her half-dry hair was gathered into a simple knot, and her face was pale, the loose strands by her cheeks stirring faintly in the cold wind.
Her almond-shaped eyes were fixed on him as she took a step forward.
She moved with great care. Once she stopped before him, she gave him a proper curtsy of gratitude.
Her voice was faint but sincere. “Thank you for helping me again, Lord Shen. I cannot express how grateful I am.”
Countless snowflakes drifted between them. Shen Si lowered his eyes, his gaze resting solely on Ji Hanyi’s pale face.
White snow settled on her hair and shoulders, while the cold wind cut through her clothes. She looked so frail that she might collapse at any moment.
Shen Si’s expression tightened. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught sight of her slender, fair nape. Seeing how respectfully she stood before him, he stepped to the side and shielded her from the wind.
In a cold, distant voice devoid of emotion, Shen Si asked, “Do you know who did it?”
Ji Hanyi understood what he meant. In the bathing room, Rongchun had told her about the Red Poison Bug. Ji Hanyi was now certain that Li Mingrou had secretly slipped the venomous insect into her sleeve when she approached her.
No wonder Li Mingrou had looked at her so nervously before.
What she had not expected was for Shen Si to ask about it.
She looked up and met Shen Si’s deep, downward gaze, and nervousness rose within her once more.
Rongchun had also told her that, overwhelmed by the heat, she had tugged at her own clothes. Though she remembered none of it, the mere thought that she had behaved so improperly in front of Shen Si filled her with shame.
To her, he was an elder, an untouchable peak wreathed in frost, a cold piece of jade untouched by human emotion or desire. Any embarrassment before him left her flustered and at a loss.
Ji Hanyi knew Shen Si would neither look down on her nor mock her. Yet what daunted her most was the thought that she did not even matter enough for his mockery, making her feel lower still, as insignificant as dust.
That sense of mortification swept over her again, leaving her unsure what to do with herself. She did not even dare meet Shen Si’s eyes. Like a timid junior before an elder, she lowered her gaze and answered with rigid propriety, “I do.”
Clutching her sleeve more tightly, she added in a small voice, “I’ve caused you trouble again, Lord Shen.”
Shen Si frowned faintly at her manner. Earlier, she had clung to his sleeve and nuzzled her head against his chest without the slightest fear. Yet now she was so restrained and distant before him, as though terrified of having anything to do with him.
A mocking curve touched Shen Si’s lips. Of course. This woman had always been slow and overcautious. Even when he gave her an opening, she never knew how to take it.
She likely understood even less why she had been allowed to remain in his courtyard, or why he had helped her.
That was what Shen Si found most bitterly ironic. Perhaps she was not slow at all. Perhaps she simply would never understand.
More ironic still was the distant way she called him “Lord Shen,” as if those two words could wipe their past entirely clean.
But then again, years had passed. What connection remained between them now?
Shen Si’s face darkened as his mood grew colder.
He regularly handled cases at the Censorate, and his entire bearing carried an austere, lethal chill that ordinary people could scarcely withstand.
When no response came from above her for a long while, Ji Hanyi grew even more apprehensive. She lifted her head to find Shen Si looking at her, his icy, phoenix-shaped eyes slightly narrowed. His expression was colder than the snow around them.
He looked at her as though she were a criminal, his gaze dispassionate and impersonal, carrying the cold detachment of a man merely attending to official business. Ji Hanyi knew that Shen Si had most likely grown tired of her.
And why would he not?
He valued peace and quiet above all else, yet these past few days, she had done nothing but disturb him.
Besides, she had nothing with which to repay his kindness. She meant nothing to him and could only cause him more trouble.
She lowered her head as hot tears welled in her eyes. Being loathed by Shen Si and always ending up so wretched before him made her begin to loathe herself as well.
It made her feel as though she had done something wrong.
She did not understand. All she had done was marry, full of hope, the man everyone praised as an upright gentleman as pure as the clear breeze and bright moon. How had it all ended in such a ruinous mess?
She blinked hard and lowered her head even further, refusing to let Shen Si see her reddened eyes. Ji Hanyi’s voice grew hoarse as she said, “I’m sorry…”
She stood before him with her head bowed, proper and cautious, her earrings swaying gently. Her damp hair lay across her shoulders, darkening the pink fabric beneath it. Listening to her voice, Shen Si drew a deep breath and closed his eyes.
Enough. Let it go. What could Ji Hanyi possibly understand?
She was a married woman. What did he expect her to understand?
She had done nothing wrong. He was the one who had failed to let go, the one who had drawn her into his heated dreams and done the most intimate things to her.
She truly did not understand him, much less how desperately he wanted to possess her.
Perhaps it was better that she did not understand.
If she understood, if she knew what he had done to her in his dreams, she would probably avoid him as though he were poison.
When he lowered his gaze again and saw Ji Hanyi still standing before him with her head bowed, not even daring to look up, he frowned. “Are you that afraid of me?”
Ji Hanyi bit her lip and immediately shook her head.
Shen Si’s frown deepened. “Ji Hanyi, look up.”
He had called her by her full name in that familiar stern, aloof voice. Frightened, Ji Hanyi’s mind went blank, and her head snapped up at once.
The first thing Shen Si saw was the watery sheen in her almond-shaped eyes and the red rims standing out against her soft, fair cheeks. Her jade-green earrings trembled wildly. She looked like a startled sparrow, exactly as she had when pinned beneath him in his dreams.
His fingers curled tightly behind his back as he fought the sudden urge to pull her into his arms.
He reined in his emotions and looked at the tears welling in her eyes. “Do you feel wronged?”
Naturally, Ji Hanyi did not dare admit it. Nor did she dare study his expression. She merely shook her head.
Her jade-green earrings tapped against her fair cheeks, trembling like blossoms in the wind. She looked heartbreakingly pitiful, like a canary cornered by a hawk.
The sight stirred a faint irritation in Shen Si’s heart.
She was always so afraid of him.
He asked, “Was I too harsh?”
He did look rather fierce, but Ji Hanyi could not say so. Besides, Shen Si had helped her. She felt nothing but gratitude toward him, so she certainly could not accuse him of being harsh.
No amount of thanks would ever be enough. Even if she prostrated herself at his feet in gratitude, she would still feel it was insufficient.
This time, she met Shen Si’s eyes and shook her head again, solemn and earnest. “Lord Shen wasn’t harsh.”
Shen Si glanced at Ji Hanyi’s tear-filled eyes. Her words were hardly convincing.
He drew a deep breath, utterly helpless where she was concerned. Yet his expression unconsciously softened.
He looked at her slender shoulders, at the profusion of blossoms embroidered across her pink dress, at her gently curved brows and eyes, clear as a stream. She was like a serene, delicate lotus beaded with dew. He had imagined countless times what it would feel like to hold her tightly in his arms. He had also thought he could forget her completely. Only now did he realize that even he could be utterly routed by her.
He had vowed never to see her again, and yet she had come barging in once more.
His fingertips stilled. He wanted to brush away the dampness at the corner of her eye. He wanted to cross the forbidden line between them, to lose himself with her right here in this room, to indulge every desire he had ever harbored for her.
He even wanted Xie Yuheng to disappear forever.
Shen Si raised his hand.