Chapter 47

Chapter 47

It was the last war of my life, and the longest. Xia Wan kept me beside him each day as I struggled to remain conscious and listened to the tide of battle shift by the moment between Xia Wan’s army and Northern Qian. The fighting dragged on too long. Northern reinforcements arrived, eroding our advantage in numbers. Every reserve force, including He Sulong’s, had already joined us, but morale was failing. If we could not enter Nancheng within two days, we might not withstand the next counterattack.

I, too, was at war with death. I swallowed great draughts of medicine and clung to Xia Wan’s hand, refusing to relax my hold on life for even an instant. Before this, I had rarely spoken before the commanders for fear of provoking trouble. Now such caution no longer mattered. I told them every detail I knew of Nancheng – its terrain, its buildings, the commanders who might be induced to surrender. But I would lose consciousness in the middle of speaking. Whenever I woke, Xia Wan’s hand was locked around mine. His fingers were icy, yet he held on as though he could keep me from crossing into the underworld by sheer force.

The day before the fifth assault on Nancheng, the overcast sky hung above us like a sinister eye.

The private house where we stayed had a hot spring. Soaking in it eased my pain. I lay against a stone and struggled through an account of Southern Xu’s lost rites and the policies for the people’s welfare I had failed to enact in Northern Qian. A young maid recorded my words nearby. At some point, my voice faded and I fell asleep.

I dreamed.

I was a child again in the palace, giving little Xia Wan a glass marble. He loved it and held it close to his face, peering inside with bright amber eyes.

“Aunt Xihe – look!”

I took it from him and discovered a palace within. It was the palace of Southern Xu. At the gate stood Zhiqiu beside my brother, waving to me. “Xihe – ”

Behind them were Grandfather and a man and woman whose faces I could not see. They were all so gentle as they called my name. “Xihe…”

Clack.

My fingers opened, and the marble fell. It rolled away down the flagstone path. I gathered my skirts and chased it, farther and farther, until I saw that blood had stained every stone. The marble stopped at someone’s feet. A hand picked it up.

I raised my head and saw Chen Dong. He watched me coldly, the blade in his hand still dripping blood. Behind him stretched Northern Qian’s endless world of ice and snow.

I burst into tears.

“Give it back! Give it back to me!” I fought him for it, but he refused. He stood cold and unmoving as a mountain of ice.

Someone embraced me from behind. It was Xia Wan, grown now, the sunset outlining his face in warm gold. Tears filled his eyes. “Xihe, let it go. We don’t need it anymore. I’ll give you something better.”

“No! I want mine. Give me back my marble!”

I thrashed like a child in his arms. Still weeping, I woke.

Night had closed over the wilderness, and the sunset stretched across the sky. Cannon fire sounded in the distance. Xia Wan sat beside me fully dressed, holding me close, yet his smile remained easy. “Did you have a nightmare, Xihe?”

“Why are you here? Aren’t you… attacking tomorrow?”

“Yes. Everything is arranged, so I came to see you.”

“I’m fine.”

My thoughts were clouded, and I leaned against him. “If only I could see us defeat the northern army with my own eyes. Just one glimpse would be enough. Then I could go to Zhiqiu and tell her that Xihe behaved very well all these years.”

“You will. Tomorrow, I will lead the assault myself and take Northern Qian for you. Afterward, we’ll bring Helan home and establish our capital in Yanzhou. We will enact every policy you dreamed of, one by one, until the realm is at peace and the seas are calm and the rivers clear. Would you like that?”

Holding me, he softly described a life I could see but never reach. “There will be no more wars. The people will live and work in peace. No one will be driven from home, no worthy person will go unrecognized, and no one will suffer as we did. In spring, we’ll fly kites and visit the mountain temples to see the peach blossoms. In summer, we’ll escape the heat at a villa by the sea and catch enough fireflies to make a little lantern. You’ll tell me stories of merfolk and fox spirits, just as you did when I was small. In autumn, we’ll take Little Persimmon hunting. If we find a rabbit, we’ll bring it home and raise it…”

Snow began to fall.

Tiny flakes drifted from the sky. I lifted my face, but when they landed upon my skin, I felt no cold.

“How lovely.”

Such a beautiful life. But by then, I would surely be gone.

I raised a hand and stroked Xia Wan’s face. Snow caught upon his brows and lashes, making him even more beautiful. I turned and lightly kissed his lips.

The water had soaked my clothes until only a thin layer clung to my body. Slowly, I opened the fastenings. Xia Wan stared at me, stunned, and I smiled up at him.

“I’ve seen how illness ravages the bodies of the dying. Somehow, mine has not withered yet. I’m glad.”

“No, Xihe. I… you’re too ill.”

I slipped my arms around his neck. His whole body went rigid. Against his ear, I whispered, “Tell me – isn’t this more beautiful than that night on the terrace?”
He shuddered violently.

“You won’t be able to resist, little monk.” I laughed softly. “I knew the first time you looked at me. Your heart was never free of worldly desire.”

I kissed him. What I had never told him was that despite the shame of violating our kinship, I had always loved the way he kissed me. I had never before known what it was to feel, with perfect certainty, that I was cherished.

A boy his age could not withstand such provocation for long. He quickly caught me in his arms, pressed me against the stone, and kissed me without restraint. My tongue tingled, and there was no strength anywhere in my body. Instinctively, I lifted a leg around his waist, only for it to slip. He caught it and drew me hard against him. Biting my lip, I suddenly remembered the Northern Qian encampment years ago, the charcoal brazier blazing deep in the night, and a young man murmuring against my ear, You are mine now, Xiaoxi.

“Xihe… I love you.”

I stared at Xia Wan. His cool, immaculate face had dissolved into uncontrollable passion. My reflection shone in his amber eyes, which were radiant with joy and obsession. I covered them with my hand. Shame at our transgression made me wish for death, yet my body craved more. How could it feel so good? Was it merely the pleasure of surrender – or had I fallen in love with him?

“Xihe. Xihe. Xihe.”

Each time he called my name, fire swept through me anew. I had never been so reckless, never been so… happy. The intensity nearly became a vision: we were no longer alone in a deserted courtyard but atop the tower where he preached, watched by countless devout followers as their ever-serene Heavenly Venerable lost himself in desire for me.

You have abandoned all restraint, Xihe, I told myself. If tomorrow comes, you will regret this.

Another voice answered coldly, Will you truly have a tomorrow?

When my senses returned, I was lying in bed in dry clothes. Xia Wan sat nearby preparing medicine. When he saw me wake, he fed it to me. In the distance, the army horns began to sound.

“Go. I’ll wait for you to return.”

He answered, put on his armor, then paused with his back to me. “Xihe, I want to ask you something.”

“What is it?”

“Did you do this because you think you’re dying and wanted to leave me a memory – or because I have finally taken his place?”

I stared at him. After a long time, I said, “Who are you talking about? I don’t understand.”

He did not press me. He said only, “From now on, I am all you have.”

The door opened, admitting a narrow beam of dawn, then closed behind him. I watched it as the army assembled outside. Slowly, slowly, the sounds receded until they disappeared.

I expected my condition to worsen.

Strangely, perhaps in one last flare of life before death, I felt a little stronger the next day. I even managed to stagger from bed in search of news.

When I stepped outside, I found Zheng Long standing at the courtyard gate in full armor, his expression severe.

“You didn’t join the assault?”

“Our lord ordered this subject to remain behind and protect my lady.”

I paused. He seemed transformed. Once, he had been a brash, jovial giant of a man. Now only grief and age remained.

“Didn’t you want to become a celebrated general? Staying here… do you not feel your ambitions have been thwarted?”

He laughed bitterly. “Ha. Those worthless dreams – I treated them like treasures. If I could do it over, I would never volunteer for the vanguard. I… I would keep him alive.”

Only after a moment did I realize he meant Helan Zhiyan.

“He was still an official when I kidnapped him and took him up the mountain. He cursed us with all his bookish phrases, saying that able-bodied men ought to defend home and realm, not shame themselves as bandits. I put up with it. He wasn’t like other officials. He was a scholar, and I liked scholars. Later, when he was captured, I tried to rescue him and got caught too. After that, we were together in Linbei, recruiting soldiers and buying horses to restore the realm. He told me to become a great general. That was the only reason I wanted it. Now that he’s gone, I…”

The towering man could say no more. His eyes reddened.

He wiped away his tears and smiled again. “So I don’t resent this, Your Highness. Helan wanted to protect you. I’m here protecting you in his place, and that makes me glad.”

For a moment, I did not know what to say. At last, I suggested, “Let us go to the observation tower and see how the battle is unfolding.”

Nearly all of Xia Wan’s army had been committed to the assault, leaving Zheng Long the highest-ranking commander behind. From the observation tower, we could just make out the two armies locked in battle as fresh reports arrived without pause.

“If the city hasn’t fallen by nightfall, we’ve lost,” Zheng Long said.

“I had Xia Wan persuade one Northern Qian officer to defect. I don’t know whether he will prove useful at the final moment.”

Suddenly, a flood of crimson surged into the city. Zheng Long and I exchanged a glance. Our troops had entered. That meant…

A dispatch arrived: Nancheng had fallen.

Zheng Long and I were beside ourselves with joy, but as we continued watching, the battle took a strange turn. The two armies faced each other, yet neither attacked. Finally, the banner of the yuanchu bird rose slowly above Nancheng.