Chapter 39
Chapter 39
The star-filled heavens stretched behind Naihe. He met my eyes without the slightest weakness, then raised a hand and wiped away my tears.
“I am Helan Zhiqiu’s child. My mother loathed me. My father hated me. My aunt once gave me the name Xia Wan.”
I thought I would faint at once, but I did not. It felt instead as though my soul had left my body. A thousand tangled questions surged up together, leaving me numb and motionless.
Naihe took my hand and led me down the tower.
Everyone was celebrating the victory. Thousands of torches turned the triumphant night as bright as day. Qin Liuyuan directed several young soldiers in raising a banner: black, bearing the circling image of a yuanchu bird and the single word XIA.
I stared blankly at it, my mind empty. By reflex, I thought: the banner has been raised. That means they have formally declared war on Great Qin. But why not use Southern Xu’s military standard? Without meaning to, I asked aloud.
“Because my lord refuses to recognize himself as Southern Xu’s legitimate sovereign.”
Lord Rat evidently commanded many people with unusual talents. They had rescued Helan Zhiyan without leaving him further injured. Supported by Youchun, he stood pale and covered in wounds. Our eyes met, and both of us immediately looked away.
“This subject meant to bring men and stop the wedding,” he murmured. “But northern dogs ambushed us on the way. One step too late. Only one step…”
Then, trembling, he knelt. Youchun tried to support him, but he violently flung her aside.
“Had this subject truly killed the princess that day, I would have cut my own throat at once to apologize to the imperial house and heaven… Even that would have been better than this.”
The cheers and noise gradually faded. The dark mass of people before me knelt in order. Naihe tightened his hand around mine, while I stared fixedly at Helan Zhiyan.
“Now that he has married you, he can never – never again be the crown prince of Southern Xu. Either he admits he is a beast who disregards the laws of kinship, or he must reveal his bloodline to the world… Princess, this subject planned for ten years, but Southern Xu can never return…”
The crowd’s worship rose like a tidal wave. “Honor heaven’s way! Restore order to heaven and earth!”
Helan Zhiyan alone knelt in collapse. Everyone else’s eyes were so bright. Since Southern Xu fell, every pair of eyes I had seen was defeated, wary, or wounded. But each of these people burned like a torch. They truly believed Naihe beside me was heaven’s chosen son, destined to cleanse the world.
Someone presented wine, one cup each for Naihe and me. He raised his to the crowd. “Qin began as a barbarian tribe. It usurped the Central Plains and brought ruin upon the people. Heaven, enraged, commanded me to raise a righteous standard in its name, deliver all living souls, and avenge our humiliation. Why wait for another day? The merit of a thousand years is decided in this instant. Let this proclamation go forth so all beneath heaven may hear.”
Amid deafening cheers, I numbly drank with Naihe. Everyone called me his wife and praised me as another chosen by destiny. The noise overwhelmed all words. I heard nothing and felt only nausea.
At last, Naihe took my hand and led me back to the bedchamber. The victory feast ended, and the camp gradually quieted. I stared dully at the burning red candles and remembered one insignificant fact: this was supposed to be my wedding night.
Naihe brought a bowl of red dates and lotus seeds and began feeding me. Once again, he was a quiet, gentle young man. “Xihe, eat something. I added sugar. It tastes very good.”
I turned my head away. “I cannot eat. I keep wanting to vomit.”
“Just a little. Your body needs it. You will grow ill from hunger. Here, it is no longer hot.”
He blew the porridge cool and fed me. During the month I recovered in Linbei, he had always treated me this way, gentle as though he possessed no temper at all. What I overlooked then was that anything he wished to accomplish, he inevitably accomplished – from a single spoonful of porridge to…
The warm food finally restored some clarity. I said hoarsely, “Take off your upper robe.”
He hesitated, then opened his collar, revealing a pale, jade-smooth torso. His body was not as delicate as his appearance suggested, but carried the strength of a trained fighter. Across his chest ran a hideous blade scar.
“Did it hurt badly?”
“Yes.”
Tears slowly filled my eyes. I raised a hand and touched his face. When he was very small, I used to wonder what he would look like grown, when he could fly kites with me and accompany me outside the palace. Now I finally knew. This was Xia Wan as a man. These were his brows, these his eyes…
My outer robe slipped from the edge of the bed. He bent over me and pinned my hand, kissing me before trailing soft, intricate kisses downward. It was not a blaze of passion, but immersion in warm water, leaving me sensitive and languid. For one moment, desire confused me.
Then, like an enormous beast emerging from heavy fog, awareness suddenly revealed what we were doing.
“Xia Wan? We cannot. Xia Wan!”
His outer robe had fallen half open in our entanglement, exposing a smooth, pale chest. He stared at me without speaking, then tore away the last garment covering me. Our bare bodies pressed together. He kissed me with a force that seemed ready to consume me, while his other hand moved down over my abdomen…
It has already gone this far, Xihe. There is no retreat left.
But he was Xia Wan. He called me Aunt Xihe.
Violent guilt made my whole body tremble. My back arched as if trying to escape, but the movement resembled invitation instead. He began moving against me, once and again. At last, shaking, I found my voice. “Listen to me…”
The instant I spoke, a metallic sweetness surged into my throat. I leaned over the bed and vomited repeatedly.
“Aunt Xihe, do not frighten me…”
He came to support me. I shoved him away. “Stay back.”
Only when my hand rose before my eyes did I realize I had vomited blood. It ran down my wrist in a hideous red trail.
“All right. I will not come closer. Will you drink some water?”
Wrapped in the quilt, I shook from head to foot. My thoughts, rusted motionless for so long, finally recognized the full absurdity. I had married a child who called me aunt.
“Why?” My voice trembled beyond recognition.
I wanted him to say the marriage was merely a temporary measure to protect me, and that what had almost happened was only an accident born of a young man’s hot blood.
“I told you. Because I like Xihe.”
“That is not – ”
“It is the desire of a man for a woman.”
We looked at each other for a long time. His eyes remained serene and gentle, yet they frightened me.
“It is incest. A violation of all morality. Heaven will punish us,” I whispered.
“I am not the late emperor’s son.”
“But I am still your aunt.”
I watched you enter this world. I shook a little drum outside your swaddling clothes to make you laugh. I treasured you above my own life. This was more than blood. It was a bond like destiny that no force could change.
And now I lay naked in your bed.
At last, I gathered the courage to meet his eyes. “Xia Wan, you spent these years before green lamps and ancient Buddhas. You do not understand love between men and women. What you feel for me is what I feel for you – a familial love deeper than the love between husband and wife. It runs too deep, and you are too young, so you have confused the two. It is not your fault…”
“What if I tell you I wanted you the first time I saw you?” he interrupted.
“Rumors said Danchi’s empress looked like the former Princess Xihe and shared your birthday. I went to see for myself. You were holding a cat and looking down at me from above. I did not connect you at all with the aunt in my memory. I had only one thought: how could she be so beautiful and so proud, yet resemble a shattered glass vase? I wanted to protect you, and I wanted to see you break completely. I returned and recited scripture for a long time, but no amount of prayer subdued the demon in my heart. I wanted you.”
His voice sounded extraordinarily clear in the empty night.
“I am not as good as you imagine. I am an ordinary man. When you were ill and I cared for you, my mind was full of filthy thoughts that could never see daylight. Even now, I am using every scrap of strength to restrain my desire for you.”
“Do not be afraid. I am not telling you this to frighten you. I want you to know that I have always understood exactly what I felt whenever I looked at you.”