Chapter 46

Chapter 46

As soon as their silhouettes vanished among the trees, I chose a fork in the path and left signs suggesting I had fled that way. Then I lifted Helan Zhiyan onto my back and took the other road.

They could change their minds at any moment. I had to leave as quickly as possible.

Heat began to spread from the snakebite, and my whole body threatened to give way. I had lived long enough. But I had not yet buried Helan Zhiyan in Southern Xu. And there was Xia Wan. I did not want to leave him alone in this world.

At last, staggering helplessly, I collapsed beside a stream. Above me, the stars spun loose from the vault of heaven and fell all around me.

“Xihe. Xihe…”

I heard Xia Wan calling me. He looked just as he had when we first met, dressed in monastic robes, his eyes like amber lakes. What a beautiful dream, I thought. To die holding such a dream would not be so terrible.

Only find me sooner in our next life.

And do not call me Aunt Xihe again.

“My lord, the battle is at a critical point. You must not shake the army’s resolve!”

“If we retreat now, the defeat will carry us a thousand li! Chen Dong, the King of Northern Qian, will slaughter every civilian behind us. Heavenly Venerable, we beg you to reconsider!”

Cannon fire woke me. When I opened my eyes, I lay amid layers of bed curtains. Voices spoke beyond a folding screen. I tried to rise and look, only to discover that my entire body was limp. I lacked the strength even to move a finger.

I bit my tongue to keep myself conscious, then forced myself toward the outer room.

Xia Wan sat in the place of honor. A row of commanders knelt before him, weeping as they repeatedly struck their foreheads against the floor. His expression was dark and still. “What is this commotion? Every battle plan will proceed as arranged. My taking Xihe away will affect nothing.”

Away?

An old general knelt at the front, his face streaming with tears. “Heavenly Venerable, there is no antidote once the venom of a Mingjia serpent enters the body. Even if you take my lady away now to seek a physician…”

Xia Wan smashed his teacup against the floor. Everyone fell silent in terror.

He retained his customary elegance. “Then let me make myself perfectly clear. Without Xihe, this realm means nothing to me. Never mind the course of a battle. Even if I must fight Heaven itself for her life, I will save her.”

His voice was soft, but beneath it burned the flames of madness. “Anyone who stands in my way will die. One by one, I will kill them all.”

Clinging to the screen, I finally managed to make a sound. “Xia Wan…”

“Xihe! You’re awake!”

He sprang up and swept me into his arms. Only then did I see that his eyes were webbed with blood, as though he had not slept for several nights.

I spoke weakly. “What nonsense are you saying? The battle has begun. If you abandon the army now, what will the soldiers think? What of the common people behind us? What place do they hold in your heart?”

“All right, Xihe. Don’t move. I’ll carry you back.” He dismissed the commanders with a few hurried words, lifted me in his arms, and returned me to the curtained bedchamber.

Those few sentences had exhausted what little strength I possessed. Xia Wan sat beside my bed, cooling each spoonful of medicine before feeding it to me.

“What… happened?”

He sighed and showed me the red mark on his wrist. “Do you remember what I told you on our wedding night? I placed a blood curse upon myself. If I am ever separated from you for more than a hundred days, countless poisons will attack my heart and kill me. Before we entered Nancheng, the curse began to hurt. I realized you might be in danger, so I went to look for you. I did not find you until dawn the next day. I’m sorry, Xihe. I was a fool. I never imagined…”

“What happened then?”

“I brought you to this house and tried to draw out the venom. Then the northern army attacked. You were unconscious for five full days, and the battle has lasted five days as well.”

“The provisions…”

“We have enough provisions. But the medicine is almost gone.” An almost imperceptible tremor entered his voice. “Don’t be afraid. I’ll take you away and find the finest physician alive.”

I shook my head with difficulty. “No. Whatever happens, you cannot abandon your subjects and soldiers.”

A sudden thought flashed through my mind. I seized Xia Wan’s hand. “Where is Helan Zhiyan?”

“His body? I don’t know. It is probably still where you left it.” He held another spoonful to my lips. “This may taste bitter. Drink slowly.”

I stared at him in disbelief. “What did you say?”

Xia Wan paused. The moment he saw my expression, he said, “I will send men to retrieve him at once. You must not become angry in your condition.”
“Angry? Does it matter whether I am angry? Helan Zhiyan is dead. He was your own uncle. He raised you! And you tell me you do not know where he is? How could you not know?”

I gasped for breath, almost able to hear the sharp rasp inside my chest. Xia Wan hurriedly tried to soothe me. As the suffocation brought me close to unconsciousness, I remembered Helan Zhiyan’s words.

He is a northerner to the bone.

When I finally calmed, it felt as though a single breath was all that kept me alive. My complexion must have been terrifying, or Xia Wan would not have looked so frightened. He held me carefully, as though I were a piece of porcelain that might shatter at the slightest touch.

“I’m sorry, Xihe. It was all my fault. When I saw that you had been poisoned, I forgot everything else. You may punish me however you wish. Just don’t be angry, please.” Then, as if suddenly remembering a way to placate an adult, he asked with childlike urgency, “Would it make you happier if I killed He Sulong immediately?”

I closed my eyes and felt for my own pulse. As expected, all six positions were slack and thready, while the vital energy of my heart had begun to fail. I was at death’s threshold. The serpent’s venom was astonishingly virulent. No wonder he was so frantic.

“I don’t have the strength to be angry. I only…”

Why are you so cold?

At last, I understood Helan’s despair.

When Xia Wan had spoken of killing He Sulong, I had mistaken it for a sovereign’s ruthless judgment. Only now did I realize there had been no weighing of consequences at all. He Sulong’s life simply meant nothing to him.

Neither had Helan’s, though both men had given everything to teach him, raise him, and support him until he reached this day. Xia Wan felt no affection for either of them. That was why Helan’s death left him unmoved, and why he could decide to kill He Sulong as casually as one might discard an object.

What, then, of everyone else? Perhaps all people beneath heaven were merely pieces upon his board.

A sovereign could not afford an excess of sentiment. But if Xia Wan was this utterly devoid of feeling, had the common people ever occupied a place in his heart? This was the source of Helan’s despair. Could such a man truly become a benevolent ruler? He seemed to lack even the emotions that made a person human.

I stared at him blankly. He was still speaking, still trying desperately to please me, but I heard none of it. What of me, then? Could the love of a man who loved no one possibly be real?

One voice whispered, Xihe, what could he hope to gain from you now? Can you not see all he has done for you? If even you doubt him, then he is too pitiful.

But another voice answered, He once looked upon He Sulong with all the adoration of a devoted son. Before Helan, he once played the noble man who embodied benevolence, righteousness, ritual, wisdom, and faith. How do you know what he shows you is real?

“Xihe, don’t cry.”

Xia Wan fumbled to wipe my tears away. His voice nearly shook. “Don’t cry. Please don’t cry.”

“Xia Wan.”

I cut him off. Summoning the last of my strength, I spoke one word at a time. “You know how much I have suffered. Whether I live or die, you must take Nancheng. Do you hear me?”

He pulled me fiercely into his arms. Scalding tears fell one by one against my neck. “You will live, Xihe. I will take Nancheng, and I will cure you. I want you to live a hundred years in peace and happiness.”

He went still.

“Remember this, Xia Wan. Never again devote yourself too completely to any one thing. Hold the whole world in your heart.” I rested my hand lightly against his chest. “Be a good sovereign. Love your people. Do you understand?”

He seemed about to answer but left the words unspoken. Instead, he said, “It is snowing. Let us go back inside.”

“Promise me.”

“I promise.”

I had been willful as a child. In the end, no matter how unreasonable I became, Grandfather and my brother always gave me what I wanted. It left me with a stubborn, eccentric habit of defying fate, one I had carried through all these years.

But some things follow their appointed course no matter how fiercely you rebel or refuse to yield.

Xia Wan fed me rare medicines that kept my mind alert, but they treated only the symptoms, never the poison itself. I could feel the venom slowly consuming my body. Each time I closed my eyes, I feared I would never open them again.

I could not accept it.

I had not yet seen the child I raised with my own hands drive the invaders from Southern Xu’s soil. I had not seen the realm at peace, the seas calm and the rivers clear. I could not die in this long night just before dawn. I could not accept it.

I should have died long ago – but not now.