Chapter 75

Chapter 75

For a time, I firmly believed what my mother told me-that I had probably just experienced a very vivid dream.

But during the summer break of my sophomore year in high school, my older cousins took a group of us kids to an amusement park.

They took us down a very familiar route: Line 2 to the fifth stop, then a transfer to Line 11 until the last station.

There really was an amusement park there.

The only difference was that the rides and equipment in that park were not the same as the ones in my memory.

…

I still couldn’t determine if what happened when I was a child was real. Did that woman truly exist?

…

Until I met Wen Miao at A University of Science and Technology.

Could she be the person that woman spoke of? What exactly was her relationship with that woman? Why did that woman tell me that I must never, ever become friends with her?

I didn’t understand, because Wen Miao was so ordinary.

Her ordinariness wasn’t about her looks or her intelligence, but her daily routine. Dormitory, classroom, library-like thousands of other college students, she lived a life of three fixed points, day after day. I didn’t know why someone like her was someone I wasn’t supposed to befriend.

The more curious I became about her, the more I inevitably wanted to investigate and observe her.

To understand Wen Miao better, I started getting close to Wen Tangtang and even became friends with her.

I attempted to subtly glean information about Wen Miao from her, asking things like what her favorite color was, what she liked to eat, who her mother was, what her mother did for a living, and if she had any photos.

Gradually, Wen Tangtang and I grew closer. She even took me to join the three of them at their little dinner table.

Curiosity about a person is the beginning of falling in love.

Later, I often wondered: if I hadn’t been so curious about her back then, would I still have fallen for her?

…

I began to pay even more attention to her. Whenever I passed the girls’ dormitory, I would always glance up at her balcony. If she happened to be there and our eyes met, I would be happy all afternoon.

In her spare time, she always went to the lakeside to feed the fish. That spot was quite far from me, yet I would always take the long way around just to have a chance encounter with her.

…

By senior year, aside from Wang Zheng and Qiu Ziyu, no one else in the dorm planned to go to graduate school.

On graduation day, everyone in the room decided to go out together for a “Happy End.”

As it turned out, when I arrived, they had all coincidentally brought their girlfriends, leaving me as the only one flying solo.

Everyone put their arms around my shoulders and joked that although I was the smartest, tallest, and most handsome among them, I showed absolutely no advantage when it came to finding a girlfriend.

“Look at our classmate Nan Mu. He’s the tallest and most handsome of the lot, but what’s the use? He’s been single since birth! My brother is at A University of Science and Technology, a shoo-in for grad school! He’s a genius at studying, right? But his brain just doesn’t click! He’s got every advantage in the world, yet he hasn’t managed to charm a single girl!”

“Nan Mu! What’s wrong with you? You’re failing at this!”

It was true. My college years were over, yet I still hadn’t dared to tell the girl I secretly loved that I liked her.

You see, falling for someone is just that simple. I was like a calm, emerald sea; my surface had never known a single ripple, so I always assumed I lacked the power of a typhoon and couldn’t possibly stir up waves. Until I met a seagull. She only had to flap her wings slightly over my waters to bring forth a surge of heart-pounding tremors and waves.
But unfortunately, I was a coward who didn’t even dare to confess in my dreams.

I could only silently treasure that love which I could never bring myself to speak aloud.

…

I remember clearly that the turning point was October 9th. That morning, I received a WeChat message from her.

She! Actually! Asked me out for breakfast!

I was truly so happy-happier than if money had fallen from the sky, happier than if I’d picked up a lottery ticket and been told it won the jackpot.

But… I seemed to have messed up that breakfast.

Sitting across from her, I knew I should say something.

Yet, I didn’t know what to say.

I became overly cautious.

I thought about mentioning some of the dramatic campus gossip I’d heard from my roommates recently, but I was afraid she would think I was a petty person who loved idle talk and neglected my studies.

Then I thought about discussing some recent current events, but I feared she would think I was overly ambitious or someone who liked to show off his knowledge.

I even thought about chatting with her about my hobbies, but then I worried that her interests might be completely different from mine, making me someone she couldn’t get along with.

So in the end, I said nothing. I spent the entire morning in silence.

I knew…

Someone like me was just pathetic.

I was devastated. To salvage my image in her heart, when I learned Wen Tangtang was going to the Second Cafeteria for taro soup with lard residue, I even lied and said I loved it too, despite knowing I might have an allergic reaction.

But after I went to the Second Cafeteria with Wen Tangtang, I found only Wen Xin there. Wen Miao was busy and had gone off-campus…

I thought about giving up, but then she happened to message me that evening and even chatted with me about the taro soup. Although I didn’t quite understand her purpose for asking those things, since she was still willing to contact me, did that mean there was still a glimmer of hope?

However, she seemed very busy. I tried to ask her out several times, but each time Wen Tangtang said she had gone off-campus.

It wasn’t until October 23rd that we bumped into each other at the library. Wang Zheng had seen my restlessness over the past few days, so ignoring my struggles, he took it upon himself to invite Wen Tangtang and Wen Miao out for Chongqing chicken pot off-campus.

At that time, I didn’t know that day would be the last time we ever met.

How could I not feel regret?

My regret is that I never let you know that I love you.

My regret is that on the afternoon we parted, I didn’t say goodbye to you.

My regret is that I hesitated and wasted so much of my time in university, yet the memories I have with you can only fill two chapters.

How could I not feel regret?

If I had known that was the last time we would meet, I would never have left your side so easily.

If I had known that was the last time we would meet, I would have run toward you with all my might.

If I had known that was the last time we would meet, I would have whispered “I love you” in your ear over and over again.

…

But I did nothing, so for the next ten years, I lived constantly in remorse and pain.

I often dream of you. Those dreams are both vivid and terrifying.

Everyone says that time heals all wounds.

But why does all-powerful time fail only when it comes to me?

I can’t forget you, and I can’t stop missing you. I have spent my entire life questioning myself: Why couldn’t we be together in the end!

Even if the world were to end, I would still want to see you one last time.