Chapter 3

Chapter 3

The imperial physician’s diagnosis later confirmed the terrible news.

I didn’t understand why the imperial physician and my palace attendants were so excited they looked as if their ancestors had risen from the dead. I didn’t understand why Hu Mianmian was so happy she ran all over the palace.

I understood only one thing: in this life, I was doomed to be entangled with Crown Prince Gu Ming.

It felt as if a boulder had slammed to the ground, the earth had split and the mountains had collapsed, lightning had struck a tree, and floodwaters had swallowed the sky.

What a sin!!! I had to give birth to the child of a man I hated!!! What a sin!!!!!!!!

That said, I still couldn’t bear to get rid of the child. After all, my blood flowed in this child’s veins too. And I knew that, barring any accidents, this would be the only child I would ever have.

Someone else who was both happy and miserable, just like me, was the Crown Princess. Now the pressure on her was even greater. She had married into the Eastern Palace half a year before I did.

The Crown Princess, who received his favor night after night, had yet to show signs of pregnancy, while the Side Consort, with only one experience to her name, had hit the mark in one go.

Who wouldn’t be anxious in her place? The Empress already liked me more than her. Even the gossip tended to favor me a little more.

I knew she was hurt. I knew she was melancholy and lonely. But wasn’t I the same? Perhaps she was hurting because the man she loved now had a child with another woman, or perhaps she was simply upset that she hadn’t been the first to conceive. As for me, my misery was painfully real: I had to bear a child for a man I did not love.

How tragic this mortal world was. No matter how long one struggled through it, things still never went as one wished.

And then something even more contrary to my wishes happened. The Crown Prince came to see me…

…

He came. He came bearing mountains of tonics. He arrived with rewards flowing in like running water. Honestly, it would have been enough for the things to come. There was absolutely no need for the person to come too.

Then something even more unnecessary happened!

That disgusting man tried to take my hand. I dodged at lightning speed. He froze for a moment, then immediately restored that noble yet false expression of his. His tone was gentle in the way a weasel pays a New Year’s visit to a chicken. With a bright, open expression, he said, “You have worked hard, Side Consort Ruan. To think this prince is going to become a father. I truly have you to thank. I must come see you more often from now on.”

Why thank me? Thank yourself.

A bitter, stifled feeling welled up inside me. Today, he was bright and handsome, as if he had brought sunlight in with him. He seemed like a completely different person from the night I entered the residence. It seemed alcohol really was a menace.

But I was not the type to forget a beating just because I got a treat afterward. A few pretty words meant to smooth things over would not make me change my mind. So I merely dipped in a slight curtsy and answered properly, “Many thanks, Your Highness. This concubine has the Crown Princess and Hu Liangdi to look after her, as well as palace attendants and imperial physicians. Please rest assured, Your Highness. There is no need to keep me in your thoughts.”

I begged him in my heart to ignore me. Only then could I happily raise my child.

No one had ever treated him this coldly before, had they? For a moment, he did not know what to say. The awkward silence dragged on for quite a while. Just as I thought I was about to anger him into leaving, he suddenly said, “This prince is a little hungry. I will stay and have dinner with you today.”

During the meal, he took the initiative to place food in my bowl. They were all light dishes, so one could say he was being thoughtful. But I really did not want to eat anything he gave me. At times like this, my status as a pregnant woman finally came in handy. I began my performance of morning sickness. Seeing this, he did not know what to do. He just held his chopsticks in midair, looking deeply concerned, while murmuring, “This prince meant well, but it seems I made things worse.”

I was afraid that if I overdid the act, he would think I was trying to make him stay. So I immediately returned to normal.

Silence fell again. Even the sound of chewing was faint.

Just as the awkwardness was becoming unbearable, he suddenly said, “That day… I was in the wrong. I am sorry.”

I nearly dropped my bowl. Gritting my teeth, I forced down the revulsion rising in my eyes and said calmly, “Why would Your Highness say that?”

He stared steadily at me with those eyes of his, eyes that seemed to hold light.

“I… should not have treated you that way. It was just that, that morning, I had quarreled with Yunnong, and then Imperial Father reprimanded me over state affairs. I was frustrated and could not untangle it, so I drank to relieve myself. But everyone around me kept saying I could not keep neglecting you. So I went to find you. Now… I do feel somewhat regretful.”

His words could be considered sincere. But the way he anxiously waited for my forgiveness was truly unbearable to look at.

For the first time, I met his gaze head-on, unwilling even to pretend at obedience. I asked him, “What reaction is Your Highness hoping for from me? Am I supposed to tell Your Highness that I have been waiting all this time for your explanation, and now that my wish has finally been granted, I should weep with gratitude? Or are you hoping I will tell Your Highness that I never took it to heart, and that I am perfectly willing to suffer in silence and accept whatever comes my way?”

No one in the room dared to breathe. Rong Niang lightly tugged at my sleeve. The Crown Prince set his chopsticks down heavily on the table. Everyone in the room knelt, except for me.

He had lived a life of honor and privilege. No one had ever dared speak to him like this. I watched his face change color several times. Perhaps because I was pregnant, he still did his best to suppress his anger and said, “Then I will not mention it again. I still have official matters to attend to. Take good care of Side Consort Ruan.”

I slowly rose and still gave him a respectful salute. He instinctively moved to support me, but the moment he saw my cold expression, he withdrew his hand.

He sighed and turned to leave. It was at that very moment that the tears I had held back for two months suddenly broke free. If I had not conceived this child, would I have waited my entire life and still never heard that apology from him? Our exalted, precious Crown Prince had suffered such cold treatment, as if it were my fault for refusing to give him a way down.

Perhaps it could not be called hatred, but whenever I thought of that pain, all I felt was humiliation and a chill in my heart. I truly felt that I had wronged myself.

After that day, I shut my doors and focused on nurturing the pregnancy. I hardly even saw the Crown Princess or Hu Mianmian anymore. I was afraid they would ask about it. I dreaded being pitied. The Crown Prince also permitted my decision.

As the months gradually passed and my belly grew larger, I began to suffer even more torment, but I also felt the joy of sensing the child’s existence. In the seventh month of my pregnancy, news came from the Eastern Palace that the Crown Princess was with child and had been for more than a month.

I could imagine without even thinking how happy he must have been. My child suddenly no longer counted for anything. Perhaps this was the first child in his heart after all. In his great joy, he rewarded everyone in the Eastern Palace with half a year’s allowance.

The day he became a veritable god of fortune happened to be the day my grandmother and mother came to the Eastern Palace to visit me. I did not dare meet the heartache in their eyes. They knew I did not care, but purely from their wish for me to be happy, they shed tears on my behalf.

How annoying, that bastard Crown Prince. Now my family would have to worry about me again. So I stuffed them full of fine things to take away, proving to them that I was living well.