Chapter 18
Chapter 18
She would never know the weight that word, “hate,” carried when it left her mouth and landed on his heart.
If she hated him, he would die.
Ever since the Jiang family’s destruction and his entry into the palace, he had lived for her.
She was the only lamp in his heart that had not gone out.
If that lamp were extinguished, he would have no reason to live.
One struggled with all her strength. The other gently countered every attempt.
Each push was met with greater force, pressing her back. Each turn of her head was followed and silenced by his kiss.
His hand held the back of her head, fingers threading through her loose hair.
The bitter salt of tears and the salty, metallic tang of blood lingered between their teeth.
Si Yan could not breathe evenly under his kisses. Her hands grew weaker as they pushed at him.
With the back of her head held still, she could not even turn away. She could only endure it.
When he finally released her, she lay limp in his arms. It took a long time before she could draw a proper breath.
Jiang Youze’s lips moved from the corner of her mouth to the corner of her eye, sucking away the tears one by one.
“Qingqing.” His voice was breathless and husky, his forehead resting against hers.
“Don’t cry.”
“I can’t stand you…” Si Yan sobbed and pushed his shoulder. Beneath her palm, his heart raced.
Jiang Youze caught her hand and pressed it back against the bed, his breathing heavy and rapid.
Through their clothes, his chest lay against hers. Every rise and fall collided with her heartbeat.
“You mustn’t.”
Si Yan struggled twice without getting free. She glared at him through her tears. “I hate you…”
His hold eased a little, changing to an entwining of their fingers. His tone was resolute. “You mustn’t!”
“I like you.”
“No…”
The words caught in Jiang Youze’s throat. His dark lashes lowered as he gazed at the woman beneath him.
What had he just heard?
Qingqing said… she liked him?
The candlewick flickered, lighting her tear-streaked face.
Tears still clung to her lashes. Her nose was red, her lips swollen from his kisses.
She looked so pitiful, so painfully dear.
Yet she said she liked him.
He buried his face in the hollow of her neck, his hot breath spilling over her skin.
His arms circled her waist. His muffled voice trembled. “Qingqing, say it again.”
“I won’t!”
Si Yan bit her lip and fell silent, her chest heaving, though her tears slowly stopped.
How had a few kisses made her blurt it out? She ought to have made him beg for forgiveness on his knees!
Jiang Youze lifted his head from her neck and brushed a kiss over her lips, his expression extraordinarily gentle.
“Say it once more. Please?”
Si Yan only looked at him in silence.
He kissed her lightly again and rubbed his nose against hers, a pleading note in his voice.
“Qingqing. Hmm?”
The last rising note softened her heart. She returned the clasp of his hand, their fingers still entwined.
She turned her head to avoid his breath, but his nose followed to brush her cheek.
When she turned left, he followed left. When she turned right, he followed right.
At last, with nowhere to hide, she could only turn back and meet those eyes, tender as water.
“I…” She had barely begun when he covered her lips again.
This kiss was exceptionally gentle, without the urgency or harshness of before.
She did not close her eyes. Neither did he.
Their lashes almost touched, weaving a fine shadow in the candlelight.
Then she closed her eyes and willingly parted her lips, just as he deepened the kiss.
Si Yan grew dizzy beneath his kisses. At some point, her arms had wound around his neck.
Her nightclothes had ridden up a little during the struggle.
Jiang Youze’s palm came to rest there, touching the delicate skin of her waist.
His fingers felt hot and numb. His breathing grew heavier despite himself.
Only when a soft, nasal whimper escaped her did he reluctantly draw back.
Opening his eyes, he saw her hazy gaze, the allure of desire already touching her face.
His heart went cold at once.
The candle on the stand had burned to its end. It flickered, then went out entirely.
Darkness filled the room.
His body still covered hers. He could feel her warmth, the rise and fall of her breathing.
Yet it was as though that dying candle had carried away all the warmth in him.
What could he give her?
What a whole man could give his wife, he could not.
He had thought kisses and embraces could make up for it. Thought that as long as she still wanted him, still liked him, it would be enough.
But her eyes just now had reminded him: she wanted more than kisses.
Suddenly, he remembered what the castrator in the castration quarters had told him three years ago.
“Once this blade falls, love between man and woman will have nothing more to do with you.”
He had believed he had long since accepted that fact.
Only now did he realize he had never truly accepted it.
A single look from her had stripped away all his defenses.
Si Yan’s breathing gradually steadied. Her arms encircled his waist, and she nestled against him.
“Will you still tell me to marry someone else?”
Her voice was soft and beguiling, stirred by his kisses, a sign that she wanted to go further.
But he… could not.
When no answer came for a long time, Si Yan blinked twice, her pupils focusing in the darkness.
She could not make out his expression, but she could feel the oppression of his silence.
“…Yes.”
At last, he spoke.
Si Yan’s arms went rigid around his waist.
She lifted her head a little from his embrace, her voice tightening involuntarily. “What do you mean, yes?”
She reached for his face. The instant her fingertips touched his jaw, he caught her wrist.
“Jiang Youze, explain yourself!”
Every trace of joy the kisses had brought vanished, leaving only fury at being toyed with and despair at being let down.
“You sneak into my room at midnight, kiss me like this, coax me into saying I like you, and then you still mean to push me away?”
Jiang Youze said nothing.
Only heavy breathing filled the darkness. His silence was an answer in itself.
“Get out.”
Si Yan wrenched back her hand, turned out of his embrace, and lay on her side with her back to him.
“Qingqing…”
Jiang Youze reached for her shoulder, then drew back halfway.
“I said get out.”
Her voice had become calm. She forced down the tears and the catch in her throat.
Jiang Youze sat on the edge of the bed for a long time, as though staring blankly at her back.
Only when his eyes began to ache did he look away. He untied the token at his waist and placed it on the little bedside table.
“This is my token. If anything happens, send someone to find me at the Directorate of Ceremonial.”
Si Yan kept her eyes closed and said nothing. She heard him walk to the window and pause for several breaths.
Then the window was gently pushed open. Night wind stirred the bed curtains before it was gently closed again.