Chapter 6

Chapter 6

On the day my engagement to Gu Chengyan was settled,

Wang Yuxin stormed into my room, smashed a great many things, and pointed at me as she cursed, “As if you’re worthy. As if you’re worthy.”

She wanted to hit me, but someone held her back.

I huddled in the corner, trembling in fright.

After her fury had passed, she let out a cold laugh. “One of you is an idiot, and the other is a sickly invalid who doesn’t have long to live. You really are a perfect match.”

I wanted to argue back.

But Siyue clamped a hand tightly over my mouth.

We both knew very well that if I made even a sound in rebuttal, neither Siyue nor I would escape a beating today.

Before Wang Yuxin left, she said, “Do you think that just because you’ve come back and are marrying Gu Chengyan, you’re the Second Miss of the Wang Family now? Do you think Father and Mother will love you? You’re nothing but a jinx who brings misfortune to her own parents. No one will ever love you.”

I did not agree with her.

I had never hoped for my parents to love me. What did it matter whether they loved me or not? It was not as though no one loved me. I had Nanny and my elder brother.

They cherished me.

After the engagement was settled, my situation in the Wang Family did not improve. I remained an invisible person. Mother did not summon me over to instruct me on what I should or should not do. I heard the steward was arranging my dowry.

However much they gave me was what I would take. I would not fight for more.

I knew fighting would not get me anything.

The wedding clothes came from a ready-made clothing shop. They sent someone to take my measurements, then delivered a bridal outfit that was passable enough.

There was certainly no talk of marrying off a daughter in grand style.

The Gu Family seemed to be in a great hurry, so my wedding date was set for three months later, the second day of the tenth month.

Every day, I stayed in my room and stared at the camellias. Siyue was even busier than I was, going in and out to gather news.

On the thirteenth day of the eighth month, Mother had Danhua come tell me that on the Mid-Autumn Festival, I was to stay in my courtyard and was not allowed to go anywhere.

The concubine-born sisters all had new clothes to wear. I did not.

They could go eat mooncakes and reunite with Father and their concubine mothers. I could not.

“…”

Siyue was indignant on my behalf.

I, however, truly did not care.

Because I did not particularly want to go either.

It did not matter if I had no new clothes or could not eat mooncakes.

Once I married, the debt of giving birth to me would be repaid. From then on, we would be no different from strangers. Why borrow trouble for myself?

Early on the fifteenth, Gu Chengyan sent someone to deliver mooncakes to me, in many different flavors. There was also a small bottle of osmanthus wine, an osmanthus sachet, and a small painting of osmanthus blossoms.

When the moon climbed into the night sky, Siyue and I ate mooncakes and drank a little wine. I held the painting and praised it in a complete muddle, then fell asleep clutching the sachet, sleeping especially sweetly.

I had little presence in the household. Whether there were joyous occasions or funerals in the estate, none of it had anything to do with me.

Only Gu Chengyan sent food over every few days. Sometimes there would be a small painting too, with one or two flowers on it, bright and colorful and very pretty.

I did not care whether the flowers were painted by him or not. I only needed to remember that he treated me well, and I hoped he could live a little longer.

So every day, I prayed for him.

Siyue laughed at me for acting all mystical. I only smiled and did not argue with her.

There was no need for everyone to know my wish. Whether my heart was sincere or not, it was enough that I knew.

By the twenty-seventh day of the ninth month, with only a few days left before my wedding, Mother summoned me over.

After I bowed, I kept some distance from her.

She looked me up and down. Only after a long while did she say, “You are not worthy of the Third Young Master Gu.”

“…”

I looked at her.

Was I unworthy from the moment I was born, or unworthy because I had never worked hard enough?

Or was her sin greater, for giving birth to me but not raising me, giving birth to me but not teaching me?

I pressed my lips together and said nothing.

“If this marriage could be called off, if your legitimate elder sister were not about to marry into a higher family, and if those concubine-born girls were not so unpresentable, this opportunity would never have fallen to you.

“A married daughter is water poured out. Once you marry, you obey your husband. In the future, do not come running back here for every little thing.

“The Wang Family does not particularly welcome you.”

I nodded. “Rest assured, Madam. I have remembered it.”

“What did you call me?”

Madam Wang’s voice turned somewhat sharp.

I looked at her in confusion and asked, “Is that not what you meant?”

She could despise me and abandon me.

Could I not give up on her as well?

Madam Wang drew several deep breaths. “You really are a debt-collecting ghost. Heartless.

“Leave. Your second aunt will teach you what to do next.”

“Yes.”

After I left the room, I heard her say to Danhua, “If I had known, I should have drowned her back then. After all these years, I truly raised an ungrateful wretch. Even a dog would wag its tail.”

But I was not a dog.

I was a person.

I had all the emotions and desires any person had. I had no learning, but I had a heart that could understand, eyes that could see, and ears that could hear.

Whatever cause one planted, that was the fruit one reaped.

She had never bestowed even the slightest trace of motherly love upon me. Why should I wag my tail and beg like a dog?