Chapter 3
A month later, a Persian delegation presented a piece of red coral as tribute, standing half as tall as a person.
It glowed with lustrous color, drawing gasps from the ministers.
The envoy proudly declared it an auspicious treasure from the Eastern Sea, ensuring the eternal stability of my realm.
Outwardly, I smiled. My ears were busy with the coral’s furious complaints:
“Auspicious, my ass. They fished me out of the Western Sea. Bunch of middlemen.”
“That jade base cracked and got glued back together, too. Passing off rubbish as the good stuff.”
“Aaaah, I want to go back to the sea! This damned place is so dry I’m going to lose my color. Boo-hoo!”
My smile faded a little. I addressed the Persian envoy:
“I hear your country’s caravan suffered heavy losses in a storm at the Western Sea last month. How thoughtful of you to find such an auspicious treasure from the Eastern Sea nonetheless.”
The smile froze on his face.
I added, “The jade base has a lovely smooth luster. Next time you glue it together, though, do take care not to spread the adhesive so thickly.”
The Persian delegation broke into a drenching sweat.
That very evening, they delivered an apology gift truly worth a fortune.
The Dragon Throne hummed smugly. “Trying to outwit His Majesty? Even the stones around here will tell on you.”
At dusk, Consort Shu and Consort De happened upon me in the imperial gardens.
One played the seven-string zither. The other painted.
Each sought to outshine the other.
Consort Shu’s zither complained in a wheedling voice, “Her hands are so fucking sweaty. She’s going to rust me right through!”
Consort De’s brush cried, “Help! She’s using me like a poker for the fire. This painting’s doomed.”
The racket made my head ache.
I was preparing an excuse to slip away.
Suddenly, I heard another encrypted message, this one from an inconspicuous pearl on Consort Shu’s hairpin:
“Tyrant’s trust secured. Tonight at midnight, imperial study…”
I stopped short.
Well, well. Another one.
I decided to turn her plan against her.
That night, I reviewed memorials alone in the imperial study.
In fact, I was holding a war council with the room’s entire contents.
The inkstone said, “Your Majesty, that pearl spy has just made contact with a cicada on the willow outside.”
The window said, “They plan to act once the patrol passes.”
My imperial seal bounced excitedly on the desk. “Hit her! Hit her with me! I’m hard enough!”
I paused.
“My dear seal, calm down. You’re the seal of state, not a brick.”
Midnight came. Candle flames wavered in the study.
Consort Shu crept in, a cold gleam flashing in her hand.
Just as she was about to act, she accidentally trod on a memorial I had left on the floor.
She slipped!
The dagger dropped from her hand.
At the same moment, years of dust fell from the rafters all at once, blinding her.
The little bottle of sleeping drug concealed in her sleeve was accidentally knocked over by a corner of the desk.
It spilled all over her skirt.
She scrambled up and tried to escape through the window, only to find that the wind had blown it conveniently shut and locked it.
Seated on the Dragon Throne, I watched her flounder amid this succession of accidents and took an unhurried sip of tea.
“My beloved consort, practicing swordplay at midnight? How spirited of you.”
Consort Shu’s eyes flew wide as she looked at me, utterly undone.
When the guards seized her, her eyes rolled back and she fainted.