Chapter 1
This ability made morning court a remarkably disjointed experience.
Minister Li stepped forward, tears streaming down his face as he pleaded for funds to repair the Yellow River’s flood defenses.
While I considered his request, the Dragon Throne beneath my backside began yammering:
“Look, look! Old Li’s got an IOU tucked up his sleeve—the one he drew up with his concubine last night.”
“At least a fifth of his river-repair budget’s going to pay his private debts.”
I had no words.
I regarded old Li, the very picture of devotion to his sovereign and concern for his country and its people, and spoke slowly:
“Minister Li, does that IOU for five thousand taels of silver from Spring Breeze House in your sleeve have anything to do with the river funds?”
Every civil and military official stared in bewilderment.
Minister Li’s face instantly turned yellower than the Yellow River.
From then on, my ministers saw me as a sovereign whose powers defied all understanding.
General Wang had barely reported that all was quiet at the frontier when the saber at his waist informed on him:
“Quiet, my ass. We tangled with Northern Di scouts yesterday. My edge is chipped! He’s just too embarrassed to ask for new equipment.”
Censor Zhang accused the Vice Minister of Personnel of embezzlement. The jade court tablet in his hand quietly added:
“The evidence is in his study at home. Send someone to search it.”
With these informants, I brought the court firmly to heel.
They all thought I could see a thousand miles and hear on the wind.
Really, I was just a good listener.
The imperial harem gave me the worst headaches.
When I visited the empress, her jade hairpin complained:
“She wears me every day. Doesn’t she get bored? The ruby one in the storeroom’s practically rusting away.”
When I visited the noble consort, her seven-string zither sobbed:
“Stop playing, I beg you! She’s tone-deaf, and she insists on playing ‘The Phoenix Seeks His Mate.’ She’s going to scare the poor phoenix away.”
Again, I had no words.
In the end, I could only bestow new gifts on them all.
To shut these creatures up.
Today, I uncovered an earth-shattering secret.
The jade pendant I wore close to my body was a spy planted at my side by loyalists of the previous dynasty.
Normally, it was the sweetest talker of the lot, buttering me up every day with “Your Majesty is wise” and “Your Majesty is the true Son of Heaven.”
Just now, however, I had pretended to be asleep and heard it send intelligence outside the palace using our imperial family’s distinctive method of transmitting voices:
“Target is asleep. Proceed as planned.”
“Repeat: proceed as planned.”
I kept my eyes shut and sneered inwardly.
I made no move to alert it.
The pendant was still gloating. “Hmph. This idiot emperor sleeps like the dead. Heaven favors the restoration of our dynasty.”
The Dragon Throne beneath me could stand it no longer. It vibrated at a frequency only I could sense:
“Oh, that does it. Your Majesty, are you going to take that? Smash it! Toss it in an alchemist’s furnace!”
I said silently to myself:
“Patience. Let out a long line and catch a big fish.”
“Fish, my ass,” the Dragon Throne said. “It’s been swinging from your belt for six months. It makes my wood crawl.”
I had no reply.