Chapter 5
Speaking of those erased years,
I did not feel wronged. Yet my eyes stung, and tears shimmered faintly within them.
Uncharacteristic panic appeared on Xiao Ji’s habitually stern, impassive face.
“That isn’t what I meant. Your sister has walked on thin ice all these years. Her life has been extraordinarily difficult. The lives of everyone in the realm rest on her shoulders. I…”
“I know.”
I interrupted him softly.
“You are the peerless official praised by ten thousand voices. You hold the realm in your heart and devote yourself to the nation and its people.”
“That means I have no right to stand against everyone under heaven and blame you for failing as a husband.”
“But after thinking for a long time, I finally realized that all I ever wanted was a considerate husband, not the illustrious Grand Chancellor. You and I were wrong from the very beginning.”
“Xiao Ji, let us divorce.”
To my surprise, Xiao Ji did not lose his temper.
He stood perfectly still and stared at me for a long time before giving a measured reply.
“I have official duties. I have no time for your tantrum.”
He brushed past me and went straight to his study.
The night wind was cold.
I had lost count of how many times he had abandoned me in it.
In the past, whenever my feelings were ignored, my explanations dismissed, and I myself left behind,
it always hurt.
This time, I calmly returned to my courtyard.
A small bundle held enough banknotes to secure the rest of my life.
At daybreak, I would leave.
Yet deep in the night, Xiao Ji unexpectedly returned to the main courtyard.
He climbed quietly into bed and pulled me against him from behind.
His forehead rested against the crown of my head. The cool scent of ambergris incense enveloped me.
In a gentle voice, he asked,
“Is it because we didn’t tell you about the plan for the palace banquet, or because the fireworks tonight made you feel neglected?”
“Whatever the reason, I was wrong. It won’t happen again.”
Xiao Ji had borne the weight of his household alone since he was fourteen. He was cold, grave, commanding, and rarely smiled.
He certainly did not lower his head to apologize or cautiously coax another person.
I stared blankly for a moment, my nose prickling with emotion.
His arms tightened around me, and helplessness entered his voice.
“Your sister is afraid you’re unhappy. She wants you to visit the palace tomorrow.
“She loves you dearly. Your sudden distance has left her worried and hurt.”
“She drank too much today. She will certainly wake with a headache.
“Ah Sui, take her some medicinal food tomorrow.
“Tell her you aren’t so petty and that you won’t throw a tantrum.”
So
he had lowered his head, apologized, and coaxed me only because he feared my unreasonable behavior would disturb my sister’s peace.
A cold draft slipped through the room. The wolf’s fang beneath the window swayed until the sight of it made my eyes ache.
I stared at it for a while before answering.
“I am petty.”
“And I am tired.”
“I don’t want to rise before dawn to prepare medicinal food. I don’t want to stand outside the palace gates first thing in the morning, waiting to be summoned.”
“And the divorce is not a tantrum.”
Xiao Ji’s arms stiffened. His voice abruptly dropped.
“I explained everything to you carefully. Why can’t you understand what matters and stop making an unreasonable scene?”
Then something seemed to occur to him, and his tone became pointed.