Chapter 2

My sister’s eyes reddened.

“You little fool. I know martial arts. Why would I need you to save me? Your arm was as smooth and pale as a lotus root, and now it has that hideous scar. It isn’t pretty anymore.”

Guilt showed on Xiao Ji’s face, and his voice softened.

“I was wrong to keep it from you, but you’ve always been timid. I feared Prince Ning would sense something if you lost your nerve.

“The late emperor entrusted his heir to me, and his greatest fear was that the imperial uncle would rebel.

“We had planned this for years. We had to risk everything and root out the threat completely.”

Their reasons were impeccable.

I had nothing to say.

Pale-faced, I merely nodded.

“I know. Affairs of the realm must always come before any one person’s life. It’s only a small wound. It doesn’t matter.”

My sister had said those words countless times.

But coming from me that night, they seemed to choke both of them into silence.

She lowered her eyes.

“Don’t be petulant. You know nothing of the perils of court or the impossible choices we face, so I don’t blame you for feeling resentful. One day, when you see the realm at peace, you’ll understand why we did all this.”

Then she changed the subject and glared at Xiao Ji.

“Your birthday is coming. The Grand Chancellor and I cannot agree. Ah Sui, whose side are you taking this time?”

Xiao Ji turned his gaze to me as well.

“Wouldn’t you like to go boating?”

They were always like this.

When political disagreements made them quarrel, they asked me to judge who was right.

When different decisions made them resent each other, they demanded that I choose a side.

Even the smallest verbal spat required me to declare a winner.

I would soothe my sister, then placate Xiao Ji.

Even when my menstrual cramps left me doubled over, I still racked my brains trying to please them both.

In the end, they would laugh, forgive each other, and point at me—the traitor who had refused to choose—before leaving me behind.

Even my birthday had to become a verdict on which of them was right.

But my wound hurt terribly.

I was too tired to keep mediating between them.

So I asked softly,

“May I decide for myself how to celebrate my birthday?

“I don’t want a lavish palace banquet, or a ten-mile pleasure cruise along the city moat.

“I only want my husband to stay with me until the last firework fades.

“Sister, may I have your Grand Chancellor—my husband—back for one day?”

All it took was a summons from her, and Xiao Ji would race to the palace.

One word of frustration from her, and he would abandon everything to solve her troubles.

Even a dimming of her expression or the slightest sigh could keep him at her side until late at night.

Every birthday I had ever had was discarded for the sake of their affairs of state.

Late at night, I would pull an exhausted Xiao Ji back to the residence and call a bowl of longevity noodles a compromise.

This time, I did not want the Grand Chancellor. I did not want affairs of state.

I only wanted the man who had passed through my life as my husband to stay until the fireworks ended.

The divorce agreement lay pressed beneath a paperweight on my desk. As soon as my wound healed, I would leave.

The plea was plain on my pallid face.

For a moment, my sister was speechless.

At last, she flung out a stiff reply.

“Countless people would beg for a palace banquet arranged especially by the Empress Dowager. You don’t know how lucky you are. Do as you please.”

When Xiao Ji came to take me home, his eyes were lowered and his expression unreadable.

He made me a solemn promise.

“This birthday, I’ll set state affairs aside and spend it only with you. Don’t make your sister feel unwelcome.”

I gave a muted sound of assent and did not press him further.

But on my birthday, unrest broke out along the frontier.

My sister’s fury brought on one of her headaches, and she summoned my husband to the palace all the same.

He told me birthdays came every year, that affairs of state mattered more, and that I should stop making a fuss.

I did not make a fuss.

On the Empress Dowager’s orders, my birthday fireworks were canceled because of the frontier crisis.

I sat atop the Observatory Tower.

Before me, my maid, drenched in sweat, swung two burning sticks through the air and tried to fulfill my wish.

The flames died. My heart grew still with them.

He said I cared.

I had never received what I wanted, and so I had always stared after it with desperate longing.

There was no shame in that.

Was it not natural for a child who never got sweets to crave them?

I shook my head at Xiao Ji.

“I was wrong. It won’t happen again.”