Chapter 4

Our family owned an estate outside the city with a thousand qing of land. Grandfather had bought it for Grandmother.

While she was alive, she told him that one day it was to be my dowry.

The whole family lived on Father’s salary. At first, we could just about manage.

But after Manman was born, the doctor said the mistress’s health had suffered and she needed careful nursing.

Matron Wei and Wenxiu, the personal maid Song Jin’s mother had brought with her, drew up a list of dishes every day.

Every ingredient was expensive. The household was already stretched thin. When I asked Father what we should do, he merely said he handed over his entire salary, so why was I asking him for more money?

I suspected Song Jin’s mother knew perfectly well how difficult managing a household was. That was why she had refused to do it.

I had no idea where tomorrow’s ginseng for his mother would come from. She also refused to nurse Manman, so we needed a wet nurse, and I did not know where to find the money for that, either.

If Grandfather had not brought out his private savings, we would not even have had money for charcoal.

Young as I was, I had already developed dark circles beneath my eyes and begun lying awake at night.

I put on my cloak and went to find Song Jin. He was still studying. There was not even a brazier lit in his room.

I found some charcoal and lit one, then felt the heated bed. At least that was warm.

He tried to stop me lighting the charcoal, coughing in a muffled voice.

“What good will saving this little bit do? Is that all we’re short of?”

He fell silent, then lowered his long lashes and returned to his book.

I leaned on the table and studied him. The dim candlelight cast deep shadows on either side of his nose, making it look straighter and his face colder still.

His lips were naturally pale, and the cold had left them chapped. Other boys still had flesh on their cheeks. Only his jawbones stood out so sharply.

“Song Jin, how have you lived all these years?” What I really wanted to ask was whether having a mother like his had made him terribly tired.

“One day after another.” He lifted his thin eyelids to look at me.

“Ah, you’ve had it hard. You haven’t even had a comfortable life since coming to our house. Why did your mother take a liking to my father? Grandfather comes from a merchant family, but he never learned a thing about making money. All he wants is to live as freely as he pleases. Father probably did nothing but study from childhood and never learned how hard life can be.”

“When Grandmother and Mother were alive, we managed well enough.”

“Now they’re gone, and your mother is a fairy from the heavens who feels sick at the very mention of money. Yet every day she wants the best to eat and wear. Where am I supposed to conjure up the silver?”

“I’m so tired. When will I be grown up? When will you marry? Once you have a wife, I’ll hand all this authority over the household to her. Ah…”

I sighed.

He was never talkative. After hearing all that, he was less inclined to speak than ever.

I looked at the loquat syrup on his table. Only two or three spoonfuls remained. Tomorrow we might not even be able to afford that.

Yet there he sat with his brows drawn and lips pressed together, his throat moving, plainly struggling not to cough.

I scooped out a spoonful, mixed it with hot water, and set it before him.

“Drink it. It’ll make you feel better.”

His long, fair fingers curled inward. At last he picked up the cup and took a couple of sips.

“I’ll pass the examination,” he told me softly, looking into my eyes.

I smiled and nodded. Grandfather said he had a rare gift for scholarship. Not only did he remember everything he read, he also worked hard. He had passed the prefectural examination at thirteen. Had his father’s death not delayed him, he would have passed the higher examinations long ago.

He had the makings of a first-place graduate. Of course I believed him.

“Then concentrate on your books. Don’t fret over saving a few scraps of charcoal. There are three adults in this house. They ought to be thinking about money. We’re still young. We should just do what we enjoy.”

So the following day, his mother had only a bowl of chicken soup, and Manman had no wet nurse.

Matron Wei came to demand an explanation. I spread my hands and said I was only fifteen. Where was I supposed to find silver for ginseng and a wet nurse?

I could no longer manage this household. Let the mistress manage it herself.

That afternoon, Wenxiu came with two banknotes pinched between her fingers. Pulling a long face, she flung them down before me.

Two hundred taels. That would probably not even buy one of the thirty-year-old ginseng roots on Matron Wei’s list.

That evening, Father came home from his duties and visited my courtyard after supper.

I was working at the abacus.

Father asked why I had spent his wife’s dowry money. He earned such a substantial salary each month. How could it fail to support a household? Where had all the money gone?

His tone was accusing.

Ha. A stepmother turns your own father into a stepfather. There was truth in that saying after all.

“Since you’ve come to question me, Father, I have something to say as well. Ask anywhere in the capital: what family makes an unmarried daughter run the household? You’ve taken a new wife. Household affairs ought to be hers. But you can’t bear to trouble her, and you don’t trust me. Why not take a concubine who knows how to manage a house?”

“Your new wife is precious. Everything she eats and uses must be the best. Your salary? Even Grandfather’s private savings wouldn’t cover it.”

I pushed the account book toward him. I could no longer bring myself to call him Dad.

I lowered my head and said no more. I had made up my mind. From now on, I would live my own life and have nothing more to do with managing this house.

The next day, Grandfather and I went to the estate outside the city.

It grew grain. Grandmother used to sell the harvest and deposit the proceeds with a remittance bank. That money was for Grandfather’s old age.

He asked why I would rather leave home than withdraw it to meet our expenses.

“Grandfather, how long can you support them? A family ought to live within its means. Now that she’s married into ours, it’s time she came down from the clouds. If anyone wants to pamper her, that’s Father’s affair. Why should you have to keep her?”

I sat beneath the eaves, warming wine for him over a small stove. Tears filled my eyes, but I would not let them fall.