Chapter 5

That evening, I took the scriptures I had copied to the Empress Dowager.

It had become our custom over the past seven years. She would ask after my lessons and test me on the poems I had written from memory.

But I stopped outside her hall. I had heard the matron mention Princess Changning.

In my seven years at the palace, I had kept to my little courtyard. It had been a long time since I heard any news of her.

I knew only, vaguely, that she seemed to have recovered.

The matron served the Empress Dowager tea, her voice full of feeling.

“The princess has finally opened her heart. Vice Minister Wei’s long wait hasn’t been in vain. Such devotion—and at last the lovers will be together.”

“No matter how great the suffering, given enough time, it will pass.”

“Indeed. Now that Her Highness is to marry, is there anything else Your Majesty wishes prepared?”

…

On the sixteenth day of the second month, Princess Changning married Wei Qing, the Deputy Censor-in-Chief’s son. The story spread among the people: the noble-hearted princess had prayed for the country for ten years, while Wei Qing had waited more than a decade. Even during her grave illness, he had remained devotedly at her bedside. They were a match made in Heaven. The celebrated love story had reached its happy union, and the whole country rejoiced.

In the west hall, I asked Ah Wan, “What auspicious gifts do people usually give newlyweds?”

She was bent over her ornamental knotwork. At my question, she smiled. “I don’t really know. Before I entered the palace, when my mother sent wedding gifts, she would usually attach a lovers’ knot to the box. As for the gift, anything would do—cloth, porcelain, that sort of thing. Why do you ask, my lady?”

Pale moonlight spilled through the window. I shook my head gently. “I was only wondering.”

She was well now. This Vice Minister Wei must be a very good man. I hoped she would never remember that past again, and never learn that I still existed.

I had not meant to do anything. Yet over several nights, I secretly tied a lovers’ knot.

Let it be a distant wish for her peace and happiness.

I thought no one would ever learn of this gift I could not send.

But one day, the Empress Dowager sent me to burn prayer scriptures in the Jade Buddha Hall. It was the first time in seven years that I had left Ci’an Palace.

I kept my head bowed the whole way. Only once I entered the hall, knelt on a cushion before the Buddha, and began to pray silently did I feel at ease.

My eyes were closed as I prayed. I had no idea when someone else entered.

A sharp snap of fingers sounded beside my ear. Startled, I looked around. A smiling boy sat on the cushion beside me, as pleasant as a soft breeze.

Shen Yan wore purple robes and a jade crown. With one long leg drawn up, he rested his elbow on his knee and his cheek in his palm, watching me sidelong.

“My young lady, I’ve learned your name. Shen Luoyuan, isn’t it? Which character is the yuan?”

I hastily rose to pay my respects.

He seemed irritated by this. He pulled me up with a click of his tongue. “From now on, when no one else is around, don’t bow.”

His hand still rested on my arm. I looked up at him. He paused for an instant, then let go and resumed his carefree manner.

He sat on the cushion again with his knee raised. I knelt properly beside him and continued my prayers.

Perhaps he was bored. He shifted this way and that, then propped one hand on the floor and leaned sideways into my view, impossible to ignore.

“I hear Grandmother brought you in from outside. She’s kept you beside her for all these years, and I’ve only just found out.”

“I came with my aunt today. She’s about to marry. Come to think of it, I haven’t seen her for quite a while either. Ever since she returned from her Buddhist retreat, she’s been ill and reluctant to come to the palace. Now she’s getting married, she has to visit Grandmother and Father, whatever else.”

“Oh, you still haven’t answered. Which yuan is it?”

Shen Yan seemed to have an endless supply of things to say. Sheltered as I was, even I knew he was the emperor and empress’s beloved legitimate son, the crown prince from birth. Raised amid such privilege, he naturally possessed a proud, youthful spirit.

When I opened my eyes, he straightened at once and leaned closer, smiling. “So? Which one?”

“The yuan in yuannie. A grievous wrong.”

Bells sounded outside the hall. Surprise crossed his face. I lowered my eyes and began gathering the scriptures before me.

Silence settled between us. After a long while, his clear young voice reached me, carrying a faint smile.

“My young lady, let me tell you something. Yuan and wan grew from the same character. And wan can mean this: ‘There is the little turtledove, spreading its wings to reach the sky.’ You should be that bird, with your wings spread against the heavens, free to soar.”

In fourteen years of living in shame and fear, no one had ever said anything like that to me. I stared at him, stunned and speechless.

A bell brought me back to myself. I lowered my eyes.

Beside me, Shen Yan gave a teasing smile. “What is it? Am I so handsome you can’t bear to look?”

His laughter echoed through the empty hall. The scriptures before me had burned away. I rose to take my leave.

Then a lovers’ knot slipped from my sleeve and fell to the floor.

Before I could pick it up, Shen Yan snatched it with a quick movement.

He hooked its cord over a finger, the smile fading from his eyes. “This is…?”

“Your Highness, could you put this knot among your gifts to Princess Changning?”

I did not know why I had suddenly asked him.

Perhaps he saw the tangled feelings in my heart. Kindly, he did not ask why. He only tucked the knot inside his robe and smiled.

“Of course. I’ll thank you on my aunt’s behalf, little princess.”

“Then I am very grateful, Your Highness.”

I let out a long inward breath. Leaving the Jade Buddha Hall, I saw Ah Qi waiting outside. I nodded to him and returned to Ci’an Palace.