Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Three years ago, I was not called Caisang.

My name was Qingque. I was a musician-slave kept in County Deputy Magistrate Wang’s household.

Back then, it was fashionable among the high officials and nobles to keep slaves. They bought young girls and raised them in their estates, teaching them music, dance, calligraphy, and painting.

Once the girls were thirteen or fourteen, whether they kept them for their own use or sent them off to curry favor with the powerful, it was always a profitable investment.

I was only seven when I was bought into the estate, and I had no gift for the konghou.

Over those seven years, the music instructor broke nine bamboo rulers and thirteen rattan switches beating me.

I had no idea how many times I went hungry, or how long I was forced to kneel, before I finally mastered that instrument.

The instructor who trained us was an elderly matron. She often said,

“Don’t blame me for being cruel. Blame your cheap lives. Blame yourselves for being born slaves.

“If you’re skilled and you meet a lord willing to raise you up, that’s a crow flying into a phoenix’s nest.

“If you’re not skilled and you make your master lose face, having your hands chopped off is the light punishment. If you’re sold into a brothel, there won’t be any medicine for regret.”

The matron was not trying to scare us.

At the time, County Deputy Magistrate Wang was busy ingratiating himself with every faction he could, sending gold and silver, sending beauties.

Even when some great figure looked down on a beauty, County Deputy Magistrate Wang did not dare pass her on to someone else. Instead, he would cut off the beauty’s hands, seal them in a golden box, and send them over as an apology for his poor hospitality.

And when I was sent to Shao Zheng, I was only fourteen.

All my sisters sighed over my miserable fate and secretly cried for me.

Because back then, Shao Zheng had just gained the favor of the General of the Center. Every faction was scrambling to please him, hoping to draw him and the Shao Clan to their side.

They sent gold and white jade, brocade and silk, carriages and horses, beautiful women and foreign dancing girls.

But Shao Zheng accepted none of it. He kept no one.

Either their hands were cut off, or they were sold into brothels.

If Shao Zheng did not want me, my only path left was death.

County Deputy Magistrate Wang came up with a clever plan and ordered the servants below him to strip off my clothes.

“I refuse to believe he won’t be tempted when a naked beauty is right in front of him.”

Shao Zheng had his back to me as he admired the snow. Forget looking at me-he never even turned his head.

I wanted to live.

But I was too cold. Too frightened.

Shivering, I played one note wrong.

Displeased, Shao Zheng rose and turned around.

I threw myself to the ground and kowtowed desperately, terrified that he would cut off the hands that had ruined his mood.

But the slap and beating I expected never came. Instead, a thick fox-fur cloak was draped over me.

Trembling, I lifted my face and stared at him in shock.

Shao Zheng crouched down and looked steadily at me. Then, all of a sudden, he burst out laughing.

“Am I really that frightening?”

I stared at him blankly. In that moment, it was as if I had seen a deity come to save me from suffering.

He did not seem to care what I said. He merely waved a hand.

“Put on your clothes. Then come to my estate and play a piece for me.”

From then on, I followed Shao Zheng.

Shao Zheng liked me very much. He said he had never met a girl as obedient and well-behaved as I was.

His brothers-in-arms were all envious of him. They said they risked their lives on the battlefield, only to come home and have to deal with their mistresses’ scheming and infighting.

Those sweet, delicate women were either plotting for money or plotting to leave behind a child, so they could rise in status through their sons.

But Brother Shao’s little sparrow was different.

Every bowl of bitter contraceptive decoction, I drank earnestly, not missing a single dose.

After I had drunk it for long enough, Shao Zheng actually grew a little angry.

“Qingque, do you truly not want a child of ours?”

Holding that bowl of contraceptive decoction, I stared at him in a daze for a long while.

Ignoring the heat scalding my fingertips, I carefully hid my delight.

“…Could I?”

Seeing the hope filling my eyes, Shao Zheng burst out laughing again.

“I was teasing you. No, you can’t.”

I nodded, not daring to let Shao Zheng see my reddening eyes.

When he saw that I did not make a scene, Shao Zheng’s expression suddenly chilled. He asked me,

“Qingque, if one day I don’t want you anymore, what will you do?”

I lifted my head and looked at him, my eyes full of shock.

Tears always fell before words could come. At a loss, I clutched at his sleeve.

“…Ah Zheng, did I do something wrong?”

“Silly thing. I lied to you.” He lightly flicked my forehead. “How could I bear to? You’re like a little sparrow. Without me, how would you survive?”

I touched my forehead and forced out a smile.

“Ah Zheng, don’t lie to me like that. It hurts.”

Don’t lie to me like that. It hurts in my heart.

“It only sinks in if it hurts!” Shao Zheng sighed and pulled me into his arms. “Silly girl. You don’t even know how to get jealous, or make a fuss with me, or ask for a child to secure your place.”

Ah Zheng, it wasn’t that I didn’t know how to be jealous. It wasn’t that I didn’t know how to make a scene.

I was afraid that if I did, if we really fought, you wouldn’t want me anymore-and you would sell me off.

Later, Shao Zheng began to think of marrying me, and fought with his family until everything was in chaos.

His clan forced him to go meet that fiancée of his, Guan Wan.

For the first time in three years, when he came back, he did not pull me straight into his arms.

I felt a little uneasy, so I held the konghou I was best at playing and, overestimating myself, asked,

“Why did you choose her?

“Is it because she plays the konghou better than I do?”

Shao Zheng laughed at my ignorance.

He said Wanwan came from a noble, powerful family, and was nothing like a lowly music courtesan kept by the aristocracy like me.

She did not need to practice the konghou day and night to please men. On the contrary, as long as she wished, she could summon a whole group of music courtesans to play for her at any time.

The last time I saw Shao Zheng was on an especially bright spring day.

I wore the green robe he liked best, loosely pinned up my long hair, and ran out happily to welcome him.

I had already decided what to say to him: Ah Zheng, don’t make things hard on yourself. I can be a concubine too.

I thought that as long as I obeyed the mistress as well, she surely wouldn’t sell me off for no reason.

But before I could speak, Shao Zheng looked fixedly at me.

“Qingque, Guan Wan doesn’t like you. Don’t make things difficult for me.”

I did not know what to say. I only nodded blankly.

When Shao Zheng treasured me most, even in bed he would kiss my fingertips with the utmost care, whispering love words that made my heart tremble.

Before, he had said, Qingque, I will never make things difficult for you.

Now, he said, Qingque, don’t make things difficult for me.

He said, Qingque, after all, you were with me for three years. I’m giving you your deed of sale and that gold-inlaid, jade-set konghou. I can’t be said to have mistreated you.

He said, Wanwan doesn’t like you. Don’t go making trouble in Luoyang and upsetting her.

Seeing that I neither cried nor made a scene, Shao Zheng still did not feel at ease.

He held a ladle of water from the Luo River before me and made me swear, word by word:

“From now on, you and I will each marry our own spouses and have nothing to do with each other. If I, Qingque, go to Luoyang to pester Shao Zheng, then for the rest of my life I will be a prostitute ridden by thousands and slept with by tens of thousands, my bones ground to dust and my ashes scattered, dying a miserable death.”

He had always known what I feared most, so he made me swear by the thing I feared most.

People are truly strange. At the saddest moments, not a single tear will fall.

I held that ladle of Luo River water and looked at him quietly, wondering if this was also Ah Zheng teasing me for fun.

Unfortunately, it was not.

That ladle of Luo River water was clear and pure, yet it was more bitter than all the contraceptive decoctions I had drunk over those three years put together.

But this time, I drank it down carefully too.

After that?

After that, nothing much happened.

I left Luoyang and wandered from place to place until I settled in a tiny village.

I learned to pick mulberry leaves, tend silkworms, spin thread, weave cloth, and embroider to support myself. I did not play the konghou for a very long time.

Then, on a summer day much later, Shao Zhi knocked on my door and asked me for a bowl of water.

When he saw the konghou sitting in the corner, he looked as if he had met a kindred spirit. Forgetting himself, he pleaded with me:

“My teahouse is still short of a musician skilled in the konghou. Would you be willing, miss…”

I was not willing.

Even after being refused several times, he did not get annoyed. By coincidence, one time he happened to find me ill, and hurriedly summoned a doctor for me.

Since I owed him a favor, I agreed to play one song for him.

One song made Shao Zhi shed tears. He wanted to ask me to go to the teahouse and perform with the other musicians, and promised that he would never be stingy with my monthly pay.

I did not want to owe him either the favor or the cost of the medicine, so I asked,

“Would I have to sell myself to your place? If I don’t play well, will I be punished?”

Shao Zhi quickly shook his head. Then he scratched his ears and cheeks, not knowing how to prove it so I would believe him.

I said, “Then swear an oath. Swear on the thing you care about most.”

Shao Zhi thought about it very seriously, then his expression turned solemn.

“I, Shao Zhi, swear by the Luo River that I will pay you fairly, will not bully you, will not punish you or mistreat you, and if you wish to leave, I will not force you to stay. Otherwise, may my ears go deaf, may my voice go mute, and may I be reborn in my next life as a turtle in the water.

“This young lady’s name is, is…”

His words made me burst out laughing.

Shao Zhi looked at me with a flushed face, deliberately trying to make me smile again.

“Hurry and tell me, miss. Surely you can’t bear to see me turn into a turtle?”

At that moment, the sun outside was bright. Mulberry leaves hung low over the eaves, lush and tender, casting a dappled stretch of green shade.

Caisang.

My name is Caisang.