Chapter 2
That was the first time I saw Xiao Zhaoming cry.
He stared at my injured forehead, his eyes full of shock and panic.
Clutching my hand, he shouted for someone to fetch medicine to stop the bleeding.
Tears fell onto my hand, one after another.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t know you would worry about me so much.”
“Jinghe, don’t be angry with me. From now on, I’ll… be good to you.”
“Let’s be husband and wife in earnest, for the rest of our lives. Will you?”
I no longer remember what I said.
My forehead really did hurt terribly.
All I remember is that afterward, Xiao Zhaoming was very good to me.
Even after he found a way to become crown prince again.
He still didn’t speak much.
But he loved to sit beside me, smiling and listening very carefully as I talked.
One moment he would be scolding someone harshly; the next he would see me, and the ice would melt from his face. His eyes would curve as he said, “Jinghe is here.”
Whatever fine things the late emperor bestowed on him, he saved them all for me.
Every matter in the household, great or small, was mine to decide.
…Until the late emperor died.
On the night of the palace coup, I took an arrow meant for him and lay unconscious for a long time.
By the time I recovered, the world outside had changed.
Xiao Zhaoming had inherited the throne. He was emperor.
His closest confidants had either been executed on his orders or died along his path to power.
His brothers had either been exiled or, just as he had been when he was deposed,
locked away from the light of day.
Yet he told me, “Jinghe, you’re the only person left in this world who truly cares for me.”
As the days passed, the thought seemed to become an obsession.
Until he resorted to gu.
He spent a fortune to summon Yushan, the greatest gu master in the land, to the palace and have him give me a love gu.
The love gu had no effect on me. I didn’t know why.
I didn’t dare tell him the truth.
He had never lost his temper with me.
But I knew he was far less forgiving with others.
Otherwise, those maids and eunuchs who had once crossed his path would not have died so mysteriously in a fire.
I didn’t want to get Yushan into trouble, nor did I want Xiao Zhaoming to keep fearing I would leave.
So I had to pretend the gu had taken hold. Every day I followed him around, racking my brains for sweet things I hadn’t said before.
“Xiao Zhaoming, I like you so much.”
“Last night I dreamed you held my hand while we watched the stars from a rooftop. It was so high, but you weren’t frightened at all.”
“How are you so wonderful even in my dreams?”
At first, he was delighted.
He held me tight, his gaze possessive and hungry.
I had ordinary tastes.
I loved gold and glitter, and flowers in extravagant bloom.
Jewels, ornaments, fresh flowers, and fine silks poured into my palace.
It seemed his love for me overflowed, and only heaps of gifts could prove how much there was.
But as time went on, he stopped meeting my eyes.
He even began avoiding me.
Many things happened during that time.
Ministers who did not fear death submitted memorials calling him a hypocrite and a tyrant.
New women entered the palace and became his consorts.
That was another reason I wanted to fake my death and leave.
Mother always said I took everything to heart.
When I was little, she teased me once. “Hehe, what shall I do? Your father says that if I don’t finish this bowl of rice, he’ll be cross with me.”
I didn’t want Mother to be upset, so I hurriedly picked up the bowl and ate it all.
Even though it left my belly round and stuffed.
“Don’t be afraid, Mother,” I said. “I ate it all for you. Look, not a single grain left. Aren’t I clever?”
Mother gathered me into her arms, kissing my cheeks over and over. With love and tenderness, she said,
“Our Hehe takes everything so much to heart, and her heart is so soft. Oh, dear.”
I hadn’t understood her sigh then.
Now I did.
Only someone like me would believe she could be an emperor’s one and only for the rest of their lives.
Would believe he couldn’t live without her.
Would think her devotion was so precious.
And what was the truth?
“She isn’t the only woman in the harem. She clings to me all day. Where does that leave the others?”
“Find a way to erase her memories. Let her spend the rest of her days in comfort, with nothing to trouble her.”
Only someone like me would hear those words and feel as though she had fallen into an icy pit.
Would wish all that had gone before were only a dream.
Ah.
A lifetime’s sorrow flows on, like water forever running east.