Chapter 7
I looked away and followed the welcoming officials into the city.
As soon as we reached Cheng’an Gate, Xiao Shunzi came forward bearing an imperial edict.
“By the mandate of Heaven, the emperor decrees:”
“Pacification Commissioner Xie Yuanzhen has rendered distinguished service in supervising disaster relief and saved countless lives.”
“He is awarded a residence, one hundred bolts of brocade, and one thousand taels of gold.”
“Minister Xie is weary from his travels, and his injuries have yet to heal.”
“He is ordered to return to his residence to recuperate. Without an imperial summons, he is not to enter the palace.”
The people kneeling around me wore a variety of expressions.
I kept my head lowered. A long time passed before I kowtowed.
“Your servant accepts the decree and thanks Your Majesty.”
All the anxiety I had felt on the road, all those words I had rehearsed countless times—
none of them needed saying now.
That man did not even want to see me.
A crowd escorted me through the streets.
Some whispered that I had saved the people, that I was a good official.
But all I could think was: Why would he not see me?
The residence had three courtyards. The study faced east.
He loved the early morning light.
An osmanthus tree stood outside the bedroom. There had been one at Yun’an Temple too.
The lampstand, the tea set, the chessboard.
One glance was enough to tell me he had chosen them himself.
He remembered everything.
So why would he still not see me?
The sky darkened. The noisy celebration dispersed.
When a servant moved to put out the lamps, I spoke without thinking.
“Leave one burning.” Then I caught myself.
Those words had never been mine to say.
The one who used to leave a lamp burning was always Pei Guannan.
Later, we had slept together beneath that lamp.
The night deepened, but I could not sleep.
When I closed my eyes, I saw Yun’an Temple. When I opened them, Taiji Hall.
I tossed and turned for I knew not how long, then finally sat up.
Throwing on an outer robe, I pushed open the door.
I would go and ask him why he would not see me.
Why he would not say even one word to me.
The courtyard was silent, washed in moonlight.
It lay across that man’s shoulders.
Our eyes met. He asked,
“Xie Yuanzhen.”
“Where are you going at this hour?”
In the moonlight, his features grew clearer.
Dazed for a moment, I lifted my robe and knelt. “I pay my respects to Your Majesty.”
His eyes darkened. “A few months away,”
“and you’ve learned your manners.”
I bowed to the ground. “I would not presume otherwise.”
His smile was cold.
“I told you to return home and tend your injuries. How obedient you are.”
I raised my head. “It was an imperial decree. I dare not disobey.”
Pei Guannan looked at me.
The last trace of amusement faded from his eyes.
“Xie Yuanzhen, when you speak to me now,”
“every word is ‘your servant,’ every word a rule.”
“What? Has this trip to Yongzhou taught you to forget fifteen years together?”
I fell silent.
What should I say?
That I read the court gazette every day?
That I touched those three letters every day?
Having come this far, we ought not go back.
Xie Yuanzhen was better suited to being a minister.
He waited a long time, but I gave him no reply.
At last his face grew cold. “Of course.”
“Now you’re the pacification commissioner. Lord Xie, who saved all the people of Yongzhou.”
“Naturally, things are different.”
I panicked. “That is not what I meant.”
“Then what did you mean?”
I said nothing.
The earth was wet. Cold seeped into my knees, sharp with pain.
“Get up.”
…
“I said, get up.”
…