Chapter 4

I went on with my days.

Rose early, read, warmed wine, waited for Pei Guannan.

He no longer came.

I thought of going to find him. I opened the door, came back, then turned back again.

What would be the point of approaching him?

No seedling could take root in that deep river of desire. What did I have to keep him with?

The snow was especially heavy that year.

In the north, snow disasters devastated more than a dozen prefectures and counties.

Pei Guannan was rushed off his feet. Morning court continued until well into the afternoon each day.

From Zhaiyue Tower, I watched him from a distance, leading the scarlet- and purple-robed officials down the long avenue.

Once they were gone, the snow soon covered their footprints.

Matron Qingxi stood at the stairway. “Young Master Xie, the empress dowager asks you to come.”

I followed her into Cining Palace.

The empress dowager was copying scriptures.

She seemed scarcely to have changed over the years.

Even the incense burning on her desk was the same as before.

The year I first entered the palace, I had been so homesick that I developed a fever which would not subside.

When I woke, the same incense stood beside my bed.

Later, Matron Qingxi told me the empress dowager had ordered the Imperial Medical Bureau to send medicine.

“Sit.”

I did as she said.

The hall was quiet. Only after a long while did she put down her brush.

“Grand Secretary Chen has been to see you?”

I did not deny it. “He has.”

The empress dowager smiled. “The older that man gets, the more he likes to cry.”

For a moment, I said nothing.

She raised her eyes to me. “What is it? Did you think I had summoned you to persuade you too?”

I remained silent.

She set down her tea cup and did not pursue the question.

“When the late emperor was young, he too loved someone.”

“For that person, he nearly fell out with Emperor Gaozu.”

“Later, that person died. The late emperor never forgot him as long as he lived.”

I hesitated. “Was he… a man too?”

The empress dowager nodded, her voice full of regret.

“The late emperor could not protect him.”

“Within these palace walls, there is no room for such desires.”

Then she smiled at me. “I am not here to force you.”

“This is not your fault. Nor is it his.”

“If anything is to blame, it is that he happens to be the emperor.”

She said no more.

Picking up her brush again, she lowered her head to her scriptures.

Sandalwood smoke rose in thin threads.

Her voice was very soft. “Go.”

Snow fell softly against the vermilion railings.

The debate in the council hall went on for a long time.

The snow disaster in the north remained unchecked.

The Ministry of Revenue pleaded poverty. The Ministry of Works evaded responsibility.

Memorial after memorial from local officials arrived in the capital.

The louder the ministers argued, the colder his face became.

At last they noticed His Majesty’s expression, and their voices began to fade.

Pei Guannan put down his tea cup and swept his gaze over them. “Do keep arguing. I’m listening.”

Silence filled the hall. No one dared speak.

Just then, someone pushed open the doors.

I stood in the doorway, lifted the hem of my robe, and knelt on the jade steps.

“I, the commoner Xie Yuanzhen, request leave to go north.”