chapter 5

Shen Yan had rendered great service. All the way north from the southeast, officials had competed to flatter him.

At the palace, His Majesty rewarded him.

At the banquet afterward, his colleagues showered him with praise.

As the old verse said, when spring winds favor the proud horseman, he sees all the flowers of Chang’an in a single day.

At last, that magnificent day drew to an end. I stood quietly outside our gates with a lantern, waiting for him.

The heated sedan settled to the ground. Its curtain lifted, revealing an exceptionally refined face.

It had been a long time since I had seen Shen Yan at this age. The last man I remembered from my previous life had possessed the authority to shake the court and was always hurrying from one great matter to another.

The man before me had not yet learned to conceal every feeling.

A faint flush colored his face. He was plainly drunk, but his eyes remained black and clear, as though freshly washed in ink.

I greeted him. “Husband, I have awaited you for a long time. Congratulations on your triumph.”

He seemed exhausted. After a muted acknowledgment, he took the cloak offered by a servant, draped it over his shoulders, and walked inside. “Has all been well at home?” he asked casually.

Just as he had in my first life.

I remained where I was, lantern in hand. “There are too many ears inside the household. I have waited here because there is something I must tell you.”

When I did not follow, Shen Yan frowned. Drink and the long jostling ride must have left him unwell. He was practiced at endurance, however. His throat moved as he suppressed his irritation, and he raised his eyes to me.

“What is it?”

I dismissed the servants and smiled at him.

“I ask to leave your household of my own accord. From this day forward, may each of us be free.”

A sudden wind sprang up. The lantern flame fluttered bright and dim, sending our two shadows leaping wildly across the ground.

I steadied the lantern. When I looked up again, Shen Yan asked coldly, “Do you understand what you are saying?”

I drew a document from my sleeve.

“Here is the divorce agreement.”

After a long silence, he gave a cold laugh.

“My wife has prepared very thoroughly. This is a serious matter. We will discuss it tomorrow. It is late. You should rest.”

He snatched the agreement from me and swept away.

I slept dreamlessly.

By the time I rose the next morning, Shen Yan had already gone to court.

I heard that he had asked for sobering soup the night before. Naturally, the kitchen had prepared none in advance. There had been fine dishes—roast venison, crystal pork knuckle, and even a turtle soup to settle his stomach.

Xing’er told me Shen Yan’s face had darkened at the sight. Only when a servant explained that the Old Madam had chosen the dishes did he hold his tongue. Even so, he ordered the cook out of bed to make sobering soup, and the household did not settle until midnight.

As Xing’er spoke, I pinned a white-jade orchid into my hair.

“According to Mother, this ocher jacket and plain hairpin should be suitably modest and dignified. Xing’er, what do you think?”

“My young miss looks beautiful in anything. But this is hardly the time to worry about your appearance!”

I smiled.

“The divorce is a declaration of intent. It will not be settled in a day. Shen Yan will not return from his duties for some time, so let us go out and make use of Lord Shen’s reflected glory.”

I spent the day calling upon the ladies of several households.

Shen Yan was the court’s newest favorite. Many officials’ wives and concubines were already searching for excuses to invite me to visit. They had not expected me to appear at their doors first.

They wished to cultivate a connection, and I was warm and gracious. After an exchange of intimate pleasantries, we were soon much closer.

Whenever my expression clouded during conversation, one of them would inevitably ask why.

“It is nothing serious. My mother-in-law’s old leg ailment has returned. She is getting on in years and cannot move about easily. She has always loved laughter and company, but there are so few of us at home that she has grown tired of seeing the same faces. If only more people could visit and keep her company. Her happiness would surely please my husband as well.”

These women were all shrewd. I needed to say no more.

The sun had set by the time I returned. Shen Yan was still away, but Qiao’er came to say my mother-in-law had summoned me again.

As I entered her courtyard, a basin of dirty foot water splashed out before me.

Pretending not to notice, I stood well away and politely asked what she required.

My mother-in-law slapped a teacup against the table until it hummed.

“Where have you been? You vanished for an entire day. Yesterday you rushed to see Yan before anyone else. What did you tell him? You married into the Shen family as a daughter-in-law. I did no more than correct you with a few words, yet you threatened divorce and ran to your husband to complain!”

Even now, she did not believe me.

I was not threatening divorce.

I was determined to have one.

The road for a divorced woman was difficult. She could shave her head and enter a convent, or return to her brothers and father, endure every contemptuous look, and pray for another marriage.

That was why they did not believe I dared.

I had no patience to argue, so I answered evasively. “When Xiyun heard Mother’s leg ailment had returned, I was so worried I could not sleep. I spent the day seeking physicians for you. I am tired now and will return to my room to rest.”

Ignoring her protests, I pushed open the door and went back to my quarters for dinner.

The servants had just set out several delicate dishes when someone announced Shen Yan’s return.

He lifted the curtain and entered. Seeing that I had begun the meal without him, he parted his lips as though to speak, then stopped himself. He dismissed the servants before saying in a low voice, “I have been away for three years. After such a journey, I have finally returned, yet you refuse to grant me even one peaceful day. What are you doing?”

“My husband drank last night. Perhaps important men forget easily, so I will remind you. We have been married for years and have no child. I ask to leave your household. The agreement is already written. Once you have read it, please sign your name. If official business leaves you no time, a thumbprint will suffice.”

“What do you take me for?”

Shen Yan clenched his jaw and seemed ready to erupt. Then, remembering something, his expression shifted. To my surprise, he forced himself to speak patiently.

“I have heard what happened with my mother. I will speak to her. She is old. Do not quarrel with her over every small matter.”

I stared at him in astonishment.

Was this meant to comfort me?

In my first life, Shen Yan’s reach had extended everywhere. How could he have failed to know of every conflict between his mother and me? Yet he had never mediated or offered me so much as half a consoling sentence. He had watched coldly as the inner household wore me down day after day.

Now that I asked for divorce, he suddenly understood I had suffered wrongs.

So he bullied only those who would endure it.

I disliked my mother-in-law’s conduct, but I hated Shen Yan more.

Most conflicts between a woman and her husband’s mother festered because the husband stood aside. He earned a reputation as a filial son while his wife alone swallowed every bitterness.

Shen Yan had read the sages and spoke always of the realm and its people.

He was the young emperor’s trusted minister, a good official in the eyes of the common people, and a filial son in his mother’s eyes.

Only me had he failed.

“There is no need for you to say such things. You must not estrange yourself from your mother on my account. Since we are both here, please return the divorce agreement. If you dislike the one I wrote, you may compose a letter releasing me instead.”

“You—!

“What exactly do you want?”

I answered calmly, “I have made myself very clear. I want a divorce.”

“Marriage is a grave matter. You cannot decide it alone!”

“Why can we not divorce?” I reasoned gently. “Countless women in the capital wish to marry you. Ending our marriage would benefit your career.”

For once, Shen Yan fell silent.

I raised a hand and called for Xing’er to see him out.

At the threshold, he turned back abruptly.

“Do you truly want so badly to leave me?

“What… what have I done wrong?”

My eyes widened.

I could not believe he had asked such a question.

After a moment’s silence, I replied, “And you? What sort of life did you ever want to share with me?”

Shen Yan stood frozen.

The table was covered with exquisite dishes I had once loved. Looking at them now, I found them all colorless.

My appetite gone, I eventually waved for the servants to take everything away.