chapter 4

Xing’er followed me all the way from my mother-in-law’s rooms.

She called after me anxiously, tears in her eyes. In her distress, she even used the form of address from my unmarried days.

“Young Miss, what will we do if you act on such an impulse? How heartbroken Master and Madam will be when they see you return divorced. They want nothing but happiness for you. Perhaps we should go back and apologize to the Old Madam…”

I stopped and waved a weary hand.

“Xing’er, this is not an impulse. You know what my five years in the Shen household have been like.”

As for my parents—

In my first life, Shen Yan had resented my father, but he also guarded his reputation and refused to invite criticism. Even after rising to immense power, he never advanced my father’s career. When I died, Father remained only a county magistrate.

My father drew his salary from the throne. He had never depended on Shen Yan’s favor for his livelihood. Shen Yan was at least an honorable man; I did not think he would make trouble for Father later.

There was even less need to worry about Mother.

She wanted only for me to be well.

But once divorced, I could not return to my natal home.

I had always been proud. I could not bear to suffer wrongs, divorce, then run weeping to my parents for protection. I would lose all dignity, and they would be subjected to endless gossip on my behalf.

I clenched my fist.

The world was vast. If the Shen estate had no place for me, I ought to find one elsewhere as soon as possible.

I had little talent for music, chess, calligraphy, or painting.

Nor was I deeply learned in the classics.

My greatest ability was precisely the one I hated most.

I knew how to run a household.

Because Shen Yan had been so indifferent, because I had suffered so much in my first life, I had honed that skill until nothing escaped me.

When Xing’er saw me write the divorce agreement in my room, she began to sob.

“Young Miss, what divorced woman in this world has ever lived well? Even remarriage will be difficult. The Old Madam may be wrong in a thousand ways, but your life is with Young Master. You… you must think again!”

Yes.

My life was with Shen Yan.

And I already knew exactly what a life with him tasted like.

I stroked Xing’er’s hair and said, word by word, “Xing’er, no one in this world is destined to spend an entire lifetime with another person. The only person you must spend your whole life with is yourself.”

Shen Yan returned very late.

He came in a heated sedan chair, accompanied by two personal guards and two servants sent especially to meet him. It was quite a display.

I waited beneath the moonlight. When I saw his chair in the distance, I suddenly remembered that in my first life he had also returned late that night.

Official banquets were noisy affairs, every toast concealing a blade. Yet someone who truly cared for him had waited for his return beneath the stars and moon, ready with a bowl of sobering soup.

What had he done then?

Ah, yes. He had asked whether all was well in the household. He had asked after his mother and his younger sister. He had drunk the soup, laid down his head, and gone to sleep.

Perhaps it was because I stood before him alive and seemingly well.

Whatever the reason, after three years away, he had never asked about me.