chapter 2

Xu Yi’an was in poor spirits, so I bought books and read beside her: romances, palace rivalries, tales of faithless scholars.

When a betrayed beauty died and the scholar was devastated, she wept. “Only after she was gone did he understand her importance. Why did he not cherish her while she lived?”

I wiped her tears. “Familiarity easily breeds neglect. People learn regret only after they lose something.”

She gripped my hand. “Are you saying my husband neglects me?”

Pretending alarm at my careless words, I lowered my head. “Never. You are surely special to him. Your patient waiting can only reassure him, not make him take you lightly.”

Her eyes flickered.

When Shen Zhaoyuan finally finished his case and returned, she met him with a cold face. She ignored his tenderness and his attempts to placate her. When anger finally overtook him, she wept quietly. “Neither I nor my child matters to you.”

She touched her belly. Guilt entered his face. “Now that the case is done, I can rest. I will stay home with you.”

After a single day, a major crime involving a powerful official’s son dragged him back to work. Xu Yi’an lacked even the energy to rage.

I continued reading, but switched from romances to poetry. When I recited a vow of love lasting until mountains crumbled, something flashed in her eyes.

“Read me that earlier story again.”

I named one book after another until I mentioned the faithless scholar.

Halfway through, she began to laugh and cry. “Die once…and I can make him suffer beyond endurance!”

I stared in horror. “My lady, anger harms the body. You still carry a child.”

She stroked her belly, more resolute than ever. “Nothing can be built without first being broken. I will become the one and only person in Shen Zhaoyuan’s heart.”

Taking my hand, she asked in the soothing voice of a mother lulling a child, “Feiyun, you will help me, won’t you?”

I shook my head desperately. “It is too dangerous. What if something happens to you? And what of the young lady? If you die, some other woman may steal Young Master’s heart.”

Her grip tightened. “I have seen your loyalty all these years, so you will help me fake my death and watch my husband until I return. Once I am secure in his heart, I will reward you with wealth and honor. You have always wanted to see your mother, haven’t you?”

My expression wavered.

She pressed on. “Think of her. You do not want to remain my maid forever. Did you not once have a sweetheart? One day I will personally choose a man who satisfies you.”

I bit my lip. “I am willing to serve you forever.”

Her face hardened. “If you refuse, I will find someone else.”

Still I pleaded, “Please reconsider. The child might be another daughter—or a son.”

She sighed. “Every purpose demands a price. My children would want their mother to have her wish.”

Lifting my chin, she said, “You are different from other girls: honest, loyal, plain, without devious ambitions. I trust you beside my husband.”

I blinked away tears. She narrowed her eyes. “Obey. Only when I have what I want can you have what you want.”

Xu Yi’an was truly ruthless. She rammed her belly against the corner of a table, and blood soon appeared.

Servants rushed for the physician and Shen Zhaoyuan. The bribed physician stepped aside mournfully when Shen Zhaoyuan arrived. “My lord, say your final words to Madam.”

Shen Zhaoyuan seemed stripped of his soul. He stumbled to the bed and collapsed onto the footstool, clasping her hand as tears streamed down his face. “Yi’an…Yi’an…”

She looked at him and smiled. I understood that smile; he did not. Red-eyed and trembling, he insisted that the imperial physician was coming and she would survive.

Her expression changed slightly. She raised one weak hand, and he bent his face toward her palm. “I am here. From now on, I will always stay with you. You cannot die.”

His grief was so genuine that my heart tightened. I feared she might change her mind. Fortunately, her resolve held.

“Husband, sharing part of your road was my great fortune. I cannot walk the rest. I have several things to say.”

He nodded in agony. Speaking with long pauses, she gave her last wishes.

“Do not grieve. I do not regret bearing your children. You were a very good husband.”

“Changyi is still young. After I am gone, marry Feiyun. She is actually my younger sister and has served me since childhood. Only she will treat Changyi well.”

“And…I love you so much. Never forget me.”

Her eyes closed. One crystalline tear slid down as her hand fell from his face. Shen Zhaoyuan broke down sobbing. I covered my mouth and wept, head lowered, heart and body trembling.

At last, the moment I had awaited had come.

Her sudden “death” left the imperial physician no chance to interfere. The drug stopped her breath for eight days and made her resemble a corpse. A mourning hall rose within a day. Everyone lamented her untimely death and praised their profound love.

For seven days, Shen Zhaoyuan remained beside the coffin, dazed and nearly without food or water, exactly as she had hoped.

Four-year-old Changyi asked, “Aunt Feiyun, what is death?” She knew me only as her mother’s senior maid, not her aunt.

“It means never seeing someone again.”

“I will never see Mother again?”

I nodded. After thinking, she brightened. “Then Changyi will never be ill again. Being ill hurts.”

Before her happiness could fully show, I covered her mouth and carried her from the hall.

The funeral gave Xu Yi’an every honor. Shen Zhaoyuan personally oversaw each detail. Father and our stepmother came, shed two tears, offered comfort, and prepared to leave. Father summoned me and slapped me without warning.

“Is this how you cared for your own sister?”

I knelt and accepted the blame. “It is Feiyun’s fault.”

Before he could strike again, Shen Zhaoyuan blocked him. In a hoarse voice, he explained Xu Yi’an’s dying wish that I become his second wife and care for Changyi.

Father stared, and half a smile escaped him in his daughter’s mourning hall. He hastily turned it into a sigh. “Very well. Feiyun is honest and attentive. I too can rest easy with her caring for Changyi.”

The night after Xu Yi’an’s burial, I dug up her body and waited for her to wake.

I could easily have made her false death real. But after enduring so many years, letting her die then would have been far too painless.

When she woke, she saw me, accepted the banknotes I had prepared, and laughed. “I knew I had judged you correctly.”

She did not leave immediately. A carriage arrived, and our stepmother stepped down. Xu Yi’an obediently went to her. “Mother.”

The woman swept a glance over me. “Come. You will live outside the capital for a while.”

Xu Yi’an reminded me anxiously, “Watch your young master. Do not let some woman steal his soul.”

I nodded fearfully, chilled by our stepmother’s glance. Had I not dug Xu Yi’an up, perhaps I would have been buried in her place.

Watching the carriage depart, I breathed a long sigh of relief. Fortunately, I had chosen another road for my sister.

After her burial, Shen Zhaoyuan seemed determined to numb himself with work. He remained away for two months, solved a major case, and regained his post. Powerful families offered daughters, but he refused them all because he mourned his wife.

I stayed in the Shen residence with Changyi, a timid but obedient child. While she painted, I managed the household. Shen Zhaoyuan’s parents had died in service, so there were no elders in the home. I had managed its affairs throughout Xu Yi’an’s four-year marriage.

Her time had been too precious—she needed every moment to cultivate romance. I had to administer the household, but never too well. Small mistakes gave her reasons to punish me and display her authority. She would make an example of me, then say punishment was for my own good and would teach the servants caution.

That was her way of controlling her subordinates. It was also my way of controlling my mistress. Every affair in the Shen household passed through my hands.

In the third month, Father’s man stopped me outside and demanded to know when Shen Zhaoyuan would marry me. Too many court families wanted such a promising son-in-law.

“Young Master still mourns my sister,” I answered meekly. “I have hardly seen him.”

“If he does not seek you, seek him! Did you learn nothing from your sister?”

Father did not know Xu Yi’an lived. I lowered my eyes like a fool until he dismissed me in disgust.

I walked home with preserved fruit for Changyi and found Shen Zhaoyuan’s carriage at the gate. Inside her courtyard, he asked what she had been doing.

“Painting with Aunt Feiyun.”

“Do you like Aunt Feiyun?”

Before I heard her answer, they saw me. I bowed properly. Shen Zhaoyuan acknowledged me with a cool nod.

When he left, he paused. “You have been managing the household. Thank you.”

“My lady entrusted many things to me before she died. It is only my duty.”

After a silence, he sighed. “Return to the Xu residence for now.”

In the fifth month after Xu Yi’an’s false death, Shen Zhaoyuan married me as his second wife. The quiet ceremony could not compare to hers.

On our wedding night, he stood before the bed. “Yi’an is the only wife in my heart. I will give you the respect due Madam Shen, but desire nothing else. Caring for Changyi is your sole duty.”

His voice was calm and utterly without feeling. I had expected nothing different. From my wedding robe, I produced two documents.

He stared after reading them.

“I know how deeply you and my sister loved each other, and I have no improper feelings for you. Becoming your wife may be a blessing, but I would not want that blessing if my sister could live. I married you only for Changyi. This first paper is my pledge: after Changyi comes of age and marries, I will leave. In return, you must treat me properly until then and promise…”

His mouth twitched at the four characters. “That we never share a bed?”

“Yes. The second is a letter of divorce. When the time comes, please let me go.” Looking out into the night, I added with hope, “Someone beyond this residence is waiting for me.”