chapter 1
My elder sister had always dreamed that her marriage would resemble Father’s marriage to our stepmother: a doting husband who put his wife before everything.
On her wedding night, she made Shen Zhaoyuan swear never to take a concubine, to think of her every day, and always to obey her. Smiling at his new bride, he agreed to every demand.
They were inseparable for a time. Then Changyi was born, and my sister became anxious and suspicious. She thought Shen Zhaoyuan loved their daughter more than he loved her, and whenever he stayed out, she imagined him with some young beauty.
Again and again she asked, “Feiyun, have my looks changed since I bore Changyi?”
I would lower my eyes and answer earnestly, “My lady is as radiant as ever.”
She was my sister, but I was merely her maid.
Xu Yi’an would relax, then grow angry all over again. “Then why does my husband come home later and later? Does he no longer find me beautiful?”
“Young Master may soon be promoted. He has been given many duties, so it is natural that he is busy.”
The slap cracked beside my ear. My cheek burned.
Xu Yi’an smiled without warmth. “You know a great deal about my husband. Feiyun, do you still remember your place?”
I dropped to my knees. “This servant has never forgotten that my life belongs to you and Madam. I defended Young Master only because I know he loves no one but you, and I did not want discord between you.”
She toyed with her nails. “Get up. I value you because I know you are loyal. Do not mistake my good intentions.”
“I understand. I will always remember my lady’s kindness.”
A maid announced Shen Zhaoyuan’s return. Xu Yi’an hurried out in delight, and only then did I rise.
Changyi woke crying in her cradle. Shen Zhaoyuan entered and went straight to her. Behind him, Xu Yi’an twisted her handkerchief.
He warmed his hands before lifting the baby. “Did Yi’er know Papa had come home?”
Xu Yi’an huffed. “After a day apart, you do not miss me at all. All you think about is Yi’er.”
Laughing, he passed Changyi to me and embraced his wife. “Of course I miss you. Knowing you are at home makes me desperate to return.”
They went into the inner room while I soothed Changyi next door. She was an easy child. Once changed and fed by her wet nurse, she fell asleep again. The laughter from the inner room soon quieted too.
The next morning, Xu Yi’an dressed Shen Zhaoyuan and arranged his hair herself. After a lingering farewell, he left for court.
In high spirits, she rewarded me with a hairpin and stroked my cheek. “I struck too hard yesterday, but only because I cannot bear the thought of you turning away from me. You do not resent me, do you?”
A slap followed by a sweet was the method she had used on me for years.
She handed me an ointment. “Apply it morning and night. You are only passably pretty, but it would still be a pity if your face were ruined. Your sister would grieve.”
I accepted it gratefully. Contempt entered her smile, and she dismissed me to rest. I left with the ointment in hand, the smile still carved on my face.
By the time Changyi was three, Shen Zhaoyuan had risen to the fifth rank and was widely considered destined for greatness. The higher he climbed, the busier he became. His superior placed him in the Court of Judicial Review to gain practical experience and merit. Sometimes he slept at the office for days.
Xu Yi’an grew frantic. She paced beneath the eaves, watching the gate and complaining to me. “This is wrong. Father could never bear to leave Mother for so long. Has my husband found someone else?”
Seeing Changyi in the garden with her nurse, she added bitterly, “Perhaps he does not love me enough. Father never neglected Mother even after she bore a daughter. Does my husband resent me for not giving him a son? Yet he seems fond enough of Changyi.”
Her face, seven parts like her mother’s, was beautiful enough to daze a person. My stepmother was both lovely and calculating. Yet Father’s devotion had not stopped him from forcing himself on my mother while drunk. Every year, several maids suffered the same fate and were sent away.
Xu Yi’an constantly praised Father’s love for her mother, but she was terrified that Shen Zhaoyuan might be unlike Father—and equally terrified that he might be exactly like him.
I draped a cloak over her shoulders. “My lady is worrying needlessly. Take care not to fall ill, or Young Master will be heartbroken.”
She froze. After that, she began falling ill.
To make it convincing, she opened her window at midnight and let the cold wind blow inside. By morning her head ached. A servant went to the Court of Judicial Review, and Shen Zhaoyuan took leave that afternoon.
Leaning weakly against him, she said, “I am useless, making you abandon your work to care for me.”
He fed her medicine. “You are my wife. Caring for you is only right. I already feel guilty for being away so long. Rest. I will stay with you.”
His company worked wonders; her color improved within a day. The next morning he returned to work. Having missed half a day, he was even busier and could not come home. His rare days off only made Xu Yi’an crave his company more.
Her health steadily worsened. Whenever he was away on a case, he would be summoned home every ten days or fortnight. At first he always took leave. Later, after his superior reprimanded him, frost accompanied him home. Everyone in the capital knew that Official Shen valued his wife above his career; he was even demoted one rank because of her.
Still, Xu Yi’an was not reassured. “Is he tired of me? Feiyun, did you see? He did not smile.”
My usual comforts failed. She obsessed over his cold expression. Even when Changyi came looking for her mother, she ignored the child.
I lifted Changyi to take her away, but Xu Yi’an called, “Wait. Bring her here.”
Soon the little girl was covered in red welts and screaming in pain. When Shen Zhaoyuan returned, he looked at Changyi and roared, “How did you care for the young lady?”
The servants knelt trembling. Xu Yi’an dabbed her eyes. “It is my fault. I failed to watch her and let her eat peanuts.”
Shen Zhaoyuan drew a breath and put an arm around her. “The servants failed. How can that be your fault?”
His attention shifted from Changyi to Xu Yi’an. Every servant caring for Changyi was punished, including the wet nurse who had raised her for three years. Bereft of the familiar woman, Changyi cried night after night. Xu Yi’an tired of soothing her and sent her to a distant courtyard with a new nurse. Whenever Shen Zhaoyuan came home, the child was brought back.
Eventually, even Changyi’s illness could no longer summon him. The messenger returned only with orders to punish the servants.
Xu Yi’an became listless. Sleepless at night and unable to eat by day, she grew frail from all her schemes. Shen Zhaoyuan was then occupied with a major case and stayed away for a long time.
Feeding her medicine, I sighed. “Why torment yourself? Young Master is merely busy.”
Tears slid from her eyes. “His career will always matter more than I do. Father was never like that.”
Father clung to our stepmother because he had once caught his younger brother trying to assault her. The brothers fought, disowned each other, and divided the household. Father himself had little talent. Grandfather had purchased his seventh-rank office, and Father possessed neither the ambition nor ability to rise. So he spent his life circling his wife.
Changyi arrived with her nurse but hid timidly at the door. Xu Yi’an glanced at her with annoyance. “Useless child. My mother treated me the same way, but I was never afraid of her.”
Then she sighed. “If only she were a boy.”
She clutched her chest and retched. The family physician felt her pulse and announced that she was two months pregnant.
Life flooded back into her. “Quickly! Tell my husband I am with child!”
Her face bloomed with joy, like a withered tree in spring. But Shen Zhaoyuan was at a critical stage of his case and did not return.
The flower withered again.