Ancient China

My father rebelled, and I became the most honored legitimate princess.

No, wait-the Grand Tutor said it’s not rebellion.

How can it be rebellion when it’s the act of a founding emperor?

It was the descent of the Imperial Star, the gods and buddhas blessing the people, rescuing the masses from misery!

As the Grand Tutor taught, one should say:

The previous dynasty was tyrannical and unjust, the common people were in a living hell, suffering unbearably. My father the Emperor led a group of righteous men in uprising, successfully ended the chaotic times, and established the Great An Dynasty.

So I, an ordinary farmer’s wife in the previous dynasty, inexplicably became the one and only legitimate princess of the An Dynasty.

That’s right, I’m married, my husband is alive and well, I have both a son and a daughter, my life is happy and fulfilling, and for years I’ve topped the list of happiest young wives in the village.

Before becoming a princess, my biggest worry was that my son didn’t like meat and only ate vegetables, while my daughter didn’t like vegetables and only ate meat.

Now my biggest worry has become: being a legitimate princess and all that-I have no experience with it…

I risked my life to save the Commandery Prince and my half sister from drowning.

But because my clothes were soaked through,

they slapped me with the filthy accusation of “deliberate seduction and forcing a marriage to climb the social ladder.”

From the woman who had saved their lives, I became a scheming tramp reviled by all of the capital.

On the day of our wedding, Murong Ling did not even lift my veil. His eyes were filled with disgust.

“You used such despicable means to force me to marry you. I, the Commandery Prince, will never let you have an easy life.”

Yun’e, whom I had dragged ashore with my own hands, twisted her handkerchief, her face full of grievance.

“What a deep schemer you are, Sister. When you saved me, you were swift and decisive, yet under the water, you lingered so intimately with the Commandery Prince for so long…”

I had poured my heart out to save two lives, only to end up condemned from both sides.

I endured every torment the Commandery Prince’s Manor could throw at me.

When I opened my eyes again and saw the two of them bobbing in the river,

I neatly changed direction.

Then I strolled into town and bought a skewer of candied hawthorns.

I took a bite-

So sweet.

I found an unconscious noblewoman by the river.

One bowl of lard rice a day, and she slowly nursed back to health.

Then one day, a great contingent of Tiger Guards came sweeping in full force to my butcher shop and knelt before the noblewoman: "We humbly request that our mistress return to the marquis's residence!"

The man leading them noticed me standing off to the side, trembling: "And who are you?"

I blurted out in a panic: "This commoner is the third butcher shop south of the city, pig slaugh-"

Before I could finish, the noblewoman clapped her hand over my mouth.

"This is my only daughter, the one I had fostered with my maiden family."

The Noble Consort resorted to every conceivable means to secure a baby boy, plotting to pass off another woman’s son as her own so she could regain the emperor’s favor.

On the day she gave birth, she sent her men to a secluded village, where they murdered a young couple and abducted their swaddled infant.

I survived by hiding inside a rice vat.

But what she didn’t know was that the village was called Half-Ghost Village.

Once its residents turned fifty, they began aging in reverse.

The baby her men had taken was my Great-grandfather.

Ever since I was little, I was determined to become the Head of the Six Palaces.

So I married the Crown Prince and fought for the position of Empress, until I was only one step away from my goal.

All I had to do was outlive the sickly Empress currently sitting in that seat.

Of course, aside from the Empress, I still had other rivals: Consort De, Zhaoyi Zeng, Jieyu Yao…

Diligently, I crushed dissent. Conscientiously, I built my own faction. Day and night, I colluded with officials at court. One after another, I brought down every consort in the harem who dared stand against me, until at last I became the most powerful woman in the world.

I was selfish, calculating, and vicious.

But on his deathbed, the Emperor held my hand and said gently, “All these years, you worked hard.”

Men with big butts are good at bearing children. That’s what my mom always taught me.

She said that no matter how disobedient a man was, once you got him pregnant, he’d do whatever you said.

As luck would have it, my boyfriend abducted me and took me deep into the mountains, demanding that I bear children for his bachelor buddies.

“You’re not allowed to stop until you’ve had eight sons!”

Eight? I passed out from sheer delight.

Well, in that case, don’t mind if I do…

The newly crowned top scholar accidentally swallowed the love gu I had meant for my absent husband.

To keep him alive, I had to share his bed every seven days until the antidote arrived.

What began as mutual resentment slowly turned dangerously tender—just as my husband, General Zhou Hanchuan, returned and recognized me as the woman he had never forgotten.

Now one man refuses to let me go, the other refuses to grant me a divorce, and I am trapped between two rivals who would sooner kill each other than give me up.

In the year of severe famine, Mother took me to Prince Zhong’s Mansion, a place so distantly related it could hardly be called kin, to seek charity.

We came back with eighty taels of silver and a cart of grain, which we shared with the villagers.

In exchange, the whole village was abuzz with rumors.

The villagers gossiped that she had traded her chastity for grain. After my father divorced her, she hanged herself with a hemp rope, swaying there with her eyes open.

Later, after Prince Zhong’s Mansion fell, the Little Commandery Princess from the mansion, who had once given me a Golden Phoenix, was kidnapped and sold into the brothels.

I pretended to redeem her, then robbed her of her last few pieces of silver.

People-aren’t they all like that?

I am an old palace maid.

I have spent thirty-five full years in this deep palace.

The Chinese parasol tree before Qingliang Hall flourishes year after year, while I grow older with each passing year.

In this lifetime, I have seen the young and inexperienced Consort Zhen pass away, the Consort Yu in the prime of her beauty pass away, and even the white-haired Empress pass away.

They all died in the bloom of youth, crushed beneath the weight of imperial power.

Within these deep palace walls, how many beautiful women’s skeletons lie buried?

After my fiancé, Xie Zhao, left on a long journey, I wrote him two letters asking him to make a decision.

The first was about my stepsister, who wanted my betrothal goose and had been crying and throwing tantrums over it.

The second was about his younger brother, who had taken a fancy to me and was being far too attentive and far too hard to shake off.

Xie Zhao had never liked my meek, timid nature to begin with. He had always wanted to call off this engagement.

So on the very day I sent the second letter, he had an old man bring me a message:

“Since she wants it, just indulge her.

“She’s young and doesn’t know any better. Surely you do?”

W-who was he talking about?

Seeing that I suspected him of delivering the wrong message, the old man lost his temper too.

“From ancient times to now, I’ve heard of giving away a wife, but never of giving away a betrothal goose!

“Besides, Second Young Master Xie is half a month younger than your sister.

“He obviously means for you to marry someone else!”