Chapter 8

In dreams, one does not know oneself a guest. Springs and autumns turned; fortunes rose and fell.

I saw the days when my husband first raised the banner of the former emperor’s designated imperial grandson. His followers had been displeased with me as their commander’s wife. How could a peasant woman who had once danced for a living be worthy of an imperial heir? I often lost confidence and feared I would hold him back. Several times, I considered leaving him. Each time, he took my hand and walked openly before his entire army so that every soldier would know which woman he could never relinquish.

I saw war beacons stretching across the land and letters from home cut off. My husband said he would restore his ancestors’ realm and revive the glory of the Han. He would stop the great clans from monopolizing office, learning, and wealth. He would make foreign tribes fear to invade the heartland again. He would also ensure that young women like me could feed themselves by their own labor.

Army life kept him constantly on the move. Whenever he left, it was for months at a time. Every report that reached me carried news of another victory.

He had always been destined to stand among kings and ministers.

Whenever a messenger came, his first words to me were always, “Your husband is well and asks whether his wife is in good health.”

Then, for a time, no word came from my husband at all.

Half a year passed. The designated imperial grandson who had once been reduced to a beggar proclaimed himself emperor in Luoyang. The news reached even Yin County, yet he sent no one to tell me.

I never suspected that my husband’s heart had changed. I feared only that some disaster had befallen him.

So I set out with our elderly servants. Over a thousand tortuous miles, I accumulated wound upon wound and nearly died more than once. When I finally arrived, I found that he had taken another wife in Luoyang—the legitimate-born daughter of a great clan.

His Majesty granted me the rank of Noble Lady and treated me with cold ingratitude. The only time his composure broke, he buried his face against my neck, trembling and weeping. “Wanniang, I will never fail you. Give me one year.”

But how much could change in a year?

When chaos engulfed Youzhou, the empress and I were both trapped. His Majesty charged to our rescue with his personal guards, yet abandoned me alone amid the rebel army so he could save his empress. I called “Husband” countless times. He never once looked back.

The inner palace was ruled by endless customs. When the empress learned that a peasant woman had once exchanged vows of lifelong marriage with His Majesty, she tormented me again and again. His Majesty never defended me.

He had his imperial ambitions.

I had my shattered bridal dream.

My husband could do so many things.

Everything except love me.

I woke from the long dream with agony in my heart and almost no strength left in my body.

All my old illnesses flared at once, drenching me in cold sweat.

This time, I was no longer in Liu Liang’s bedchambers. I had returned to my own little palace. Ah Ruo had kept watch beside my bed, and the instant I woke, she clasped my hand.

My throat was dry. “Ah Ruo,” I whispered, “I remember everything.”

Everything.

Ah Ruo fell silent. She said only, “My lady, His Majesty is waiting outside.”

Liu Liang knew I would not want to see him. Before I woke, he had withdrawn beyond the room.

I asked Ah Ruo to help me up and slowly made my way across the floor. By the time I reached the beaded curtains, I could go no farther. Beyond their many layers stood the young emperor, his hair prematurely white. Whenever the curtains stirred in the breeze, it looked as though his whole body were shaking.

Some people turned white-haired overnight from unbearable remorse. His Majesty was one.

Some lost all hope because sorrow became too great to bear. I was one.

I drew a breath and said wearily, “I must have made things difficult and ridiculous for Your Majesty while I had lost my memory.”

During that time, I had remembered only Yunnu. I had defended and believed in him with such absolute conviction, never realizing what a great farce I had made of myself.

Liu Liang did not speak for a long time.

At last, he said, “Wanniang, in the end, I am the one who wronged you.”

All our love and hatred, every debt and entanglement between us, disappeared into those few words: I wronged you.

His Majesty continued, “The Xie clan threatened to cut off grain supplies to two hundred thousand soldiers unless I married Xie Ying. It was not only the Xies. There were the Cuis, the Yangs, and the countless clans behind them. They would refuse to turn against the enemy alliance only if they saw me marry a woman of their class. Wanniang, I carried the lives of a million soldiers and the hopes of my ancestors. I could not take one wrong step. I always believed I could do anything, but sometimes even I had to yield through gritted teeth. The realm was at war, and starving bodies lay everywhere. More than anyone, I wanted to bring stability to every side. The Xie clan spread word that Xie Ying had refused marriage for me all those years. I had no choice but to wed her.”

“I sent letters to Yin County, but every messenger was intercepted and killed. I thought that if I had two years, I could break free of the clans’ control. Once the situation stabilized, I would return to Yin County for you. I miscalculated only one thing: our Wanniang was brave enough to come on her own. Later, when I traced the route you had taken to Luoyang, terror and belated fear overwhelmed me again and again.”

“My grandfather and father both died because the great clans corrupted the court. Scions of those clans shattered my spine. After you reached Luoyang, if I had shown how deeply I loved you, you would have become a thorn in Xie Ying’s eye—and in the entire Xie clan’s. I did not dare let them see what you meant to me. That was why I never answered when you called me your husband.”

“When you were trapped in Youzhou, I raced there, but I dared send only my guards to rescue you. When I learned that your legs had been burned, I held my own skin to the flame that very night, thinking that our Wanniang had suffered pain like this.”

“I never imagined you would forget me. That you would erase me completely. I nearly went mad. Once you forgot, who could forgive me for those things on your behalf? What had I done to make someone as gentle as you lose every last hope in me? Never have I envied anyone as much as I envied Yunnu of Yin County. The more fiercely you defended him, the more disgusted I became with myself.”

Behind the beaded curtains, tears already covered the emperor’s face.

Not a single black strand remained in his hair.

He remembered the two years in Yin County, the happiest and freest days of his life.

Now everything had changed. All things were at an end.

His Majesty asked, “Wanniang, is there still a future for us?”

I looked at the spring blossoms outside. They had almost all withered.

After a long silence, I said, “Your Majesty is blessed with enduring fortune. One day, you will become an emperor remembered through the ages and protect all the people beneath heaven.”

I did not mention myself once.

Let it end this way.