chapter 4

chapter 4

Worried about this mysterious enemy, I hurried home and found someone sprawled facedown in the dirt, hair loose and frightening.

“Young Master, why are you lying on the ground?”

I reached down to pull him up.

“Get away.”

He had not spoken for days. His voice sounded as though his throat had been scorched.

I grew angry. Before leaving, I had prepared plenty of food and water. With injuries that serious, why had he climbed out of bed only to lie in the dirt?

Then I understood.

I had been so busy that I had given him only a chamber pot, and since he had never asked to use the privy, I had forgotten about the matter.

Judging by the smell, he had been holding it in for days.

I took a breath and bent to help him. The moment I touched his sleeve, he shoved me hard and roared, “Get out!”

I landed on my backside. The breath I had been holding nearly choked me.

No good deed went unpunished. If not for Madam, who would bother with him?

I had not eaten all day. Starving, I dusted myself off, fetched a cold bun from the kitchen, and squatted on the floor to eat it with a bowl of hot water.

“Young Master, have you ever seen the maggots in a cesspit?” I asked around a large bite. “When the filth sits too long, maggots grow in it.”

“They are plump and white, and they love crawling into holes.”

“If you do not clean yourself in time…” I drank some water to clear my throat. “I guarantee your backside will begin itching by sunrise tomorrow.”

After swallowing the last bite, I crouched beside him and lowered my voice.

“Do you know why it will itch?”

“Because the maggots will be eating your flesh.”

I left him there and went inside for a broom.

Before long, a weak, mortified male voice called, “Help me inside.”

…

The young man’s expression was ugly, but his ears were scarlet.

Lying on the bed with his eyes squeezed shut, he resigned himself to his fate—until my hands reached his waistband.

“Close your eyes. You are not allowed to look.”

“Of course I will not look.”

I agreed readily while keeping my eyes wide open. If I closed them, my hands might touch something filthy.

His legs were long and straight, though the festering wounds around his knees spoiled the sight.

No, one other thing was even uglier.

I removed his soiled undertrousers and threw them into the yard. Then I cleaned him quickly, dressed him in a fresh pair, and went to wash the dirty ones.

When I returned, he still lay stiff on the bed, face turned toward the wall. His body shook, but he made no sound.

It must have been hard for him. I sighed.

Born a rich young master, he should have enjoyed brocade, fine food, and splendor all his life. Who could have imagined that the wild Young Master Xie would become this useless creature in a thatched hut, unable even to relieve himself without help?

I stood in the dark and watched him for a long time. At last, I went to the bed and softened my voice, intending to comfort him.

“Young Master, do you feel completely useless?”

“If you want to cry, then cry loudly.”

Holding it in could make a person ill.

His trembling body went rigid. Slowly, he turned his head. His eyes were bloodshot and his teeth clenched.

“Now even a maid like you dares humiliate me?”

“Get out! Get out!”

With a sweep of his hand, he knocked every bowl from the bedside. Porridge and medicine splattered everywhere.

Had the mood not been so grim, the snot running into his mouth might have made me laugh.

I did not dare. I got out and lay down on the haystack.

I assumed he would sleep after exhausting himself in anger. Later that night, however, I heard his voice from the bed.

I did not interrupt. I only pricked up my ears.

His words drifted through the room like a whisper to himself.

“You were right. I am useless. I am a cripple who cannot even reach the privy alone. How could I possibly save her?”

“She beat me all the time. She must hate me. My birth killed Mother, then I angered Father to death, and now even she…”

His voice thickened until the words disappeared. Only muffled sobs remained.

I listened in silence.

I remembered being little, eating husks and wild greens with Mother. When hunger became unbearable, I stole the chicken leg from the First Madam’s little white dog.

Back then I wondered why people lived at all. Was it only to fight a dog for food?

Later, Mother tore old clothes into strips, hung them from a roof beam, and stepped shakily onto a stool. I thought she had made a swing. I hugged her leg and begged her to let me play first.

Her face was covered in tears. Gritting her teeth, she endured a little longer.

She endured until she sent me to the Fu estate, where I met Madam.

Only then did I understand that a person had to live because only the living could meet good things and good people. Otherwise, the journey through this world would be wasted.

That night, I heard myself say, “As long as Madam is alive, we have hope.”

“Only if we stay alive will Madam have hope too.”