Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The Yongchang Marquis’s clan was immense. In Zheng Lanci’s generation alone there were nine male cousins, and he ranked third among them. The seventh, eighth, and ninth sons were not yet married. The six married men had twelve children between them, all boys. Not a single girl had been born.

Zheng Lanci and Xu Jingniang already had three sons, the youngest old enough to begin his lessons. Had my daughter come from Jingniang’s womb, she would have been the most honored young lady imaginable—the cherished pearl the entire estate had awaited for years.

My poor child. My poor, poor child. Why did she have to be born to me?

I had always known I could not keep her long. That was why I never nursed her, seldom held her, and refused to give her a sweet pet name I might call a hundred times a day.

I did not need to love her. There would be countless others to do that. If I loved her without restraint, I would only drag her down into the abyss with me.

But love between mother and daughter is born in the blood. When the moment of separation came, my heart still tore itself apart.

Xu Jingniang did not bring the baby back.

For three days I lay in bed barefaced and uncombed, too numb to rise.

Then Zheng Lanci came.

The anxiety and remorse on his face appeared genuine. He crossed the room in a few long strides.

“Susu, are you all right?”

I gave him a pale, fragile smile.

“Thank you for worrying, my lord. I caught a chill and have a headache. I will recover in a few days.”

I knew how pitiful I looked: pointed chin, bloodless cheeks, slender as a willow in the wind, sorrow trembling in my eyes and a timid smile at my lips. A woman destroyed by grief, yet struggling to be sensible.

His gaze softened at once.

He gathered me into his arms while servants streamed in with gifts—bolts of cloth, jewelry, ornaments, sweets, incense. The little room glittered with treasure.

“What is done cannot be changed,” he murmured. “You must take care of yourself. With her grandmother, the child will know nothing but comfort. She will never suffer.

“Mother has already ordered her entered under Jingniang’s name. From now on, she is the estate’s legitimate eldest daughter.

“They have named her Yuanying. Her pet name is Yuanyuan.

“Once everything has settled, I will ask Jingniang to find a chance to bring her out for you to see.”

Tears poured down my face. My cramped hands clawed at the bedcover.

The child I had carried for ten months and nearly died to deliver, the child joined to me by blood, had become someone else’s daughter with a few casual words.

While she was still too young to understand, I might steal a glimpse of her.

But once she grew old enough to remember, the estate would never permit us to meet again.

Whom could I blame? Old Madam Lu?

She despised my birth and forced my daughter from my arms. Yet she adored the child, granted her wealth and rank, and would let her grow up carefree. How could I call that a crime?

Zheng Lanci?

He had rescued me from the pleasure quarter, kept me in comfort, and spared me the fate of a woman passed from one man’s arms to another. He was handsome and responsible, the only protection I had in this world. What had he done wrong?

Xu Jingniang?

She came from a distinguished family, possessed a noble character and gentle temper, and had never shown me jealousy or malice. She had opened her heart to my daughter. If I blamed her, how could I still call myself human?

No. I could blame only fate. Fate, and this wretched life that had left me orphaned and cast me into the dust.

I leaned against Zheng Lanci’s chest and wept without a sound.

“I bear no resentment,” I said. “The old madam favors Yuanyuan, and Madam Xu has shown her the great kindness of taking her as her own. It is the child’s good fortune.

“Would it be better for her to grow up hidden in this courtyard with me?

“With a mother of my station, she would never be able to hold her head high or make a good marriage.

“I may be heartbroken, but I am not a woman without sense. If it is for Yuanyuan’s sake, then I… I am grateful beyond words.”

Tears brightened his eyes as well.

“What would ease the pain of losing her? Name it, Susu. I will grant anything.”

“Then please find me a teacher, my lord. Embroidery, cooking—anything. The days are long. I want a craft to occupy my hands and dull the ache of missing her.”

Zheng Lanci acted quickly. A few days later, my maid brought a plainly dressed but immaculate older woman into my chamber.

Her name was Wang. She had supervised the private kitchens of Dowager Concubine Shu and excelled at pastries, soups, and porridges. The dowager concubine had recently passed away, and many of her palace servants had been dismissed. Zheng Lanci had found Nanny Wang among them. With no family and no attachments, she moved into the house on Jing’an Lane.

Under her patient instruction, my cooking improved swiftly. At Swallows in Flight I had mastered music, chess, calligraphy, and painting, and my small-seal script decorated with plum blossoms was especially fine. Only after leaving did I understand that such elegant accomplishments merely amused sheltered women. They could never put food on the table.

Late at night, when thoughts of Yuanyuan made sleep impossible, I brewed soothing, nourishing soups and sent them to Zheng Lanci’s office. I made vegetarian pastries to distribute at Pine-and-Plum Nunnery outside the city, where incense burned day and night.

In the nunnery, I lit an unnamed eternal lamp and prayed for my Yuanyuan.