chapter 5

On the way back, Ms. Zhao repeatedly looked as if she wanted to speak.

I knew what she was thinking. “It was him.”

She immediately pulled over. “Do you want to rekindle things with him?”

“I do.” I took a sip of coffee. “He doesn’t.”

After a pause, she spoke carefully. “This may be unpleasant to hear, Mianmian. You’re successful now, but given his family’s position, you still won’t fit into their world. Remember what they did to you and how much you suffered.”

I set down the coffee and reached irritably for a cigarette. For once, she let me light it.

“I never truly expected a future with him,” I said through the smoke.

“Then what do you want?”

I smiled around the cigarette. “Him.”

She glared. “Look at you.”

“Someone once said people who want an ex back either never got them into bed or didn’t get enough. In Jin Ran’s case, I’m clearly the latter.”

Used to my shamelessness, she did not bother scolding me. “Remember this: a man who nearly killed half of you once can take the half you have left.”

I watched exhaust haze over the road, unable to smile.

Everyone around me seemed to want me to give up on Jin Ran.

We had been each other’s first love.

I still remembered the afternoon after the college entrance exam. Summer sunlight blazed, and cicadas filled the empty school with restless noise.

A young Jin Ran cornered me in a classroom, bright-eyed and reckless.

“You saw my love letter. Give me an answer.”

He was a little roguish and a little wicked, and he struck straight through my heart.

Back then, I was shy, soft-spoken, painfully insecure, and too thin-skinned. I opened my mouth to refuse him, but the words would not come.

“Silence means yes.” He bent close with mischief in his eyes. “Girlfriend.”

My heart thundered, and my face turned red.

We were lucky enough to attend universities in the same city, though changing between subway and bus made each trip more than two hours. Like every young couple, we spent every spare minute together and never tired of it.

At nineteen, I became famous by accident and entered show business. As my schedule grew brutal, Jin Ran bent his life around mine without cooling in the slightest.

At twenty, my first film won me Best New Actress. More people noticed me, and our relationship moved underground, where our love grew hotter and wilder.

Jin Ran used to grin and ask, “Doesn’t this feel like we’re having an affair? Exciting, isn’t it?”

At twenty-one, I insisted on breaking up. He came to me every few days, exhausted and desperate, but I refused to yield.

On our final night, I provoked him. “If you really don’t want to end it, get on your knees and beg.”

I never thought he would.

That proud, dazzling man lowered both knees without bending his back. His eyes were red.

“Satisfied, Yu Mian?”

The moment he knelt, I knew I had destroyed us.

Still, I sneered. “You’re pathetic, Jin Ran. I don’t want you anymore.”

We never saw each other again.

I had not regretted my decision, only felt an occasional bitter unwillingness. The breakup had been a lie. My love had never stopped.

After the blind date, I ended my vacation early and buried myself in a new production.

Ms. Zhao joked, “You’re working so hard it’s frightening.”

I had no energy to answer. I worked more each day simply to avoid stillness. Perhaps I was genuinely exhausted, because I barely thought of Jin Ran.

When Lin Yuanzhou called, Xie Rao was beside me on set, showing me photographs of handsome men.

“Mianmian, these are all premium resources. Pick one.”

Tired of her pestering, I pointed at random. “That one.”

“Excellent!” She looked thrilled that I had finally come to my senses. As I answered the phone, she announced, “I’ll arrange it now.”

Lin Yuanzhou fell silent.

“What is it?” I asked.

He coughed awkwardly. “Mian, I need a favor. I plan to propose to Sisi before New Year. Would you come witness it? You helped bring us together, and you’re her best friend. She’ll be happy if you’re there.”

Years earlier, Sisi had joked that Jin Ran should introduce her to a boyfriend. I had dismissed it; he was not the type to meddle in other people’s love lives.

Yet at our next meeting, he brought Lin Yuanzhou. The two of them fell for each other and, despite all their noisy fights, had stayed together ever since.

Jin Ran and I had one fight, and it ended everything.

“Mian?” Lin Yuanzhou prompted nervously.

“Send me the time and place. I’ll make time.”

Delighted, he immediately sent every detail.

I took half a day off for the proposal. The drive from the film base should have taken three hours, but traffic added two more, and I missed the actual moment.

“If he’d told me he was proposing, I would have waited for you,” Sisi complained.

“That would defeat the point of a proposal.”

“Fine, but don’t be late to my wedding.”

I pinched her cheek. “I promise.”

“Mian!” Lin Yuanzhou called from across the room.

He sat cross-legged on the floor playing cards with a group of men, strips of paper covering his face from repeated losses.

Jin Ran sat beside him, expressionless as he studied his hand. His long legs looked cramped, but his face was clean. He was clearly winning.

I had not expected him to still be in the city after half a month.

“Come play,” Lin Yuanzhou said, perhaps deliberately opening a place for me.

Since I wore jeans, I sat without protest.

Even when I refused to look at Jin Ran, his hand drew my eyes whenever he played a card. He wore a warm-colored turtleneck, the sleeves pushed to his elbows, exposing muscular, wheat-toned forearms veined with strength.

He looked every inch the hardened man.