chapter 1
I swallowed and cautiously asked Zhao Yuanxiu, “Husband, what exactly do you mean by that?”
He coughed, the tips of his ears turning faintly red.
“It is rather embarrassing. My first wife left early, and Xinran grew up without anyone to discipline him. Over time, he became more and more withdrawn…”
“Speak plainly,” I cut in.
He rubbed his hands together like a fly.
“Xinran is often bullied at school. Those little brats say he has a mother who gave birth to him but no mother to raise him.”
“I’ll have to trouble you to look after him from now on.”
Well, well.
No wonder a pie had fallen straight out of the sky. Why else would the household of the Vice Minister of Rites want a rough woman like me?
They had come for my mouth.
The Zhaos were scholars. They could hardly start throwing punches, especially when the matter involved children. So after searching high and low, they had chosen me – a master of verbal slaughter.
And here I had thought it was my personal charm!
Rolling my eyes inwardly, I pressed my palms together with a solemn expression.
“What you don’t know, Husband, is that before my wedding, I promised Father I would never resort to violence again.”
Zhao Yuanxiu nearly jumped in panic.
“How can a scholar’s affairs be called violence? This is… refined admonishment.”
Ha. Men. He thought a few sweet words could make me play the villain while the Zhao family reaped all the benefits.
Who would agree to such a losing bargain?
I continued to play dumb. “Amitabha. I have laid down my butcher’s tongue.”
The next moment, Zhao Yuanxiu pulled an egg-sized pearl from his sleeve as if performing a magic trick.
“This is a South Sea night pearl I requested from His Majesty. It is worth a thousand gold pieces.”
I gulped. “This truly isn’t about money.”
He then drew a stack of title deeds from his belt.
“These are the deeds to the Zhao family’s sixteen properties. From now on, they all belong to you.”
“Deal!” I snatched them away before he could change his mind.
It was only cursing people out. That was my trade.
For sixteen properties, I would treat little Zhao Xinran like an ancestor at the family shrine. If I served him well, perhaps I might even become a first-rank titled lady someday.
Zhao Yuanxiu and I reached a strategic agreement.
He would remain the elegant, irreproachable Vice Minister of Rites, while I would keep wielding my poisonous tongue.
He would play the good cop. I would play the bad one.
Today was my first time picking Zhao Xinran up from school as Madam Zhao.
All manner of luxurious carriages already stood outside the academy gates. Noblewomen gathered in groups of two and three, their clouds of face powder making me sneeze three times in a row. I nearly sprayed bits of the chive pastry I had eaten for breakfast all over them.
Several gaudily dressed ladies turned in unison, looking at me as if I were something filthy.
“Have you heard? Her father is only a seventh-rank official. How dare she stand with us?”
“She didn’t marry until she was twenty. I already had three children at twenty.”
“Merely standing beside someone from such a minor household lowers our status…”
I quietly took out a handful of sunflower seeds and crept up behind them.
“What are you ladies talking about? Let me join in.”
“Ah!” All three nearly jumped out of their skins.
The beautiful woman in red at the center pointed at my nose. “Have you no manners? One word from me, and my lord husband will impeach your family!”
My eyes immediately sparkled.
“Oh! So you are the legendary Marchioness! I’ve heard so much about you!”
The flattery made her raise her head like a proud speckled hen.
“But…” I changed direction.
“I hear your three young masters are quite remarkable. The eldest is eight and still can’t recite ‘A Gift to Wang Lun.’ The second is six and still can’t walk. The third is four and can’t even hold a spoon.”
I lowered my voice conspiratorially. “Surely you know, Madam, that all of Chang’an is talking about it. They say you and the Marquis committed so many sins in your last lives that the retribution fell on your children.”
“You!” Powder flaked from the Marchioness’s face.
Everyone knew her three sons were painfully dim. The Marquis disliked them so much that he spent every day in his concubine’s courtyard and treated her illegitimate son as if he were the heir.
“You wretched shrew! Guocui, smash her mouth!”
The maid behind her rolled up her sleeves and came to slap me.
I thrust my face forward without the slightest fear.
“Come on, hit me right here! My Old Zhao is the Vice Minister of Rites. Touch me once, and tomorrow your whole family can enjoy prison rations!”
The girl shrank back like a frightened quail. No one in her right mind would risk her life for this.
Furious, the Marchioness spun around and slapped Guocui instead.
“Useless thing.”
I scratched my ear. “And you’re useful? Why don’t you hit me yourself?”
“Go on, then. Unless you’re afraid the Marquis will learn you caused trouble outside again and make you sleep in the servants’ quarters?”
That struck straight at her sorest spot. Forgetting all dignity, she raised her hand to slap me.
I moved quickly, dragging a bystander in front of me as a shield.
Smack!
The blow landed squarely on the noblewoman who had mocked my low birth. Her lovely face swelled like a steamed bun left to rise.
“Wang Xiuxiu! How dare you hit me!”
Wang Xiuxiu panicked for a moment and waved her hands.
“No, Sister! I was trying to hit that little shrew. She pulled you in front of herself! You and I are on the same side!”
Standing behind the injured lady, I eagerly fanned the flames.
“Oh, please! She bullies you all the time. You two come from the same sort of family, so what makes her think she’s nobler than you?”
I tugged the beauty’s sleeve. “Am I right, Sister?”
She must have suppressed her anger for a long time, because one little push from me was enough to make her rip the ornament from Wang Xiuxiu’s hair.
“Wang Xiuxiu, who are you trying to impress with all your swaggering? Everyone knows you can’t even manage your own household!”
With her dirty secret exposed, the Marchioness grabbed the other woman’s hair.
“Xue Yingying, don’t forget who couldn’t bear a child and knelt to beg me for my secret remedy! Who groveled at my feet like a lapdog and swore she would follow my every command?”
“Now that your Old Qian has been promoted, you’ve grown wings and no longer respect me? Let me tell you, a starved camel is still bigger than a horse. One word to my father, and your husband will suffer for it!”
Seeing the two women about to fight in earnest, their mutual friend hurried over to intervene.
“Stop fighting! Please, stop fighting! If you must fight, take it to the dance studio!”
But they had already entered the white-hot stage of battle and began attacking everyone within reach.
“Tong Jiajia, why pretend to be the good person here? Weren’t you the one who said Wang Xiuxiu had bad breath a few days ago?”
“What? You said I have bad breath?” Wang Xiuxiu’s voice shot up eight octaves.
Tong Jiajia instantly looked guilty. “S-so what if I did? You do have bad breath!”
Wang Xiuxiu’s face twisted. “Fine! You can have a slap too!”
And so the noblewomen staged an all-out hair-pulling war right there at the academy gates. It was livelier than a temple fair.
I happily finished my last handful of seeds just as classes ended.
The other children came out in noisy little groups. Only my dumpling walked alone, his lonely figure making my heart ache.