Chapter 1
After becoming a snake spirit in a fanfic version of Journey to the West, I lied that Guanyin had sent me and successfully became Tang Sanzang’s fourth disciple.
I’d planned to sponge off everyone until I died.
But apparently Heaven was watching.
It couldn’t stand to see a creepy little shit like me living the good life.
Every time Master got captured, I got captured with him.
Ha. Whose eighty-one ordeals were these, anyway?
Whatever. I could always lose my shit.
Ever since my meltdowns had dramatically improved my standing in the group—
Thank you, but I had decided to get worse.
Every morning, I opened my eyes and picked a random unlucky bastard to kick.
When I kicked the White Dragon Horse, it reflexively lashed out with a hoof.
I was bedridden for three days.
When I kicked Brother Sha, his eyes reddened without a word.
…
Was that really necessary?
The fanfic version of Brother Sha looked like a pretty boy with a dangerously obsessive streak: delicate features, skin as pale as jade. After I kicked him, he stared at me for a long time, eyes rimmed red.
…
I—I deserved to die.
“I’m sorry.
“I apologize.
“I’ll get on my knees and bow my head to the ground.”
Kicking Second Brother went smoothly.
He startled, his alluring eyes tilting slightly upward, then suddenly broke into a smile. Sidling up to me, he squirmed shyly and whispered, “Junior Sister, want to kick me again?”
Eww.
Why was this man a pervert?
Seriously, sometimes I really wanted to call the cops…
Kicking Eldest Brother was the least fun.
His features were sharp, his manner wild and unrestrained, but he merely looked at me and sighed. Finally, he patted my head. “Behave.”
Master added, “Jiaojiao, don’t be so aggressive.”
I said, “Master, take a guess why I’m so aggressive.”
Master looked as though he wanted to speak, then stopped.
I gave a cold laugh and started writhing and shrieking. “Because there’s something fucking wrong with my brain! I attack whoever the hell I want! Is there something wrong with your brain? If there is, try understanding me! If there isn’t, you won’t understand a fucking thing!”
Second Brother and Third Brother silently stepped back. “Little Sister’s at it again.”
Master took a deep breath. “Amitabha.”
Eldest Brother hurried over in two strides and tucked me into his arms. “Calm down. Calm down.”
Hmph.
After we crossed another mountain, my frail, helpless Master suddenly dismounted.
Looking at a house a hundred meters ahead, he said, “You usually go to such trouble begging for our meals. That house is close by. Today, let me ask for food.”
Huh?
How was that any different from saying, “I’m going to wrap myself up and deliver myself straight into a demon’s mouth”?
The demons didn’t even need to come capture you anymore?
Master, please follow my example. Settle down and be useless. Stop trying.
The harder you tried, the more miserable you became.
An uncanny silence fell over us.
Master suddenly coughed. “Jiaojiao, would you accompany me?”
Why did some people have to drag someone else along when they went off to die…?
Wait.
This part of the story… Wasn’t this the Spider Demons?
Pretty women!
I immediately turned into a little snake and wound myself around the tip of Master’s ear.
A snake earring.
Those women wouldn’t stand a chance.
But why was the tip of Master’s ear so hot?
Eldest Brother looked at Master, then at me.
Now he was even more worried.