Chapter 1
Chapter 1
Before deciding to leave the palace, there were still many things I couldn’t set aside.
I instructed the Bureau of Medicine that since this winter wasn’t cold, they must guard against spring epidemics and famine. I cautioned the Internal Affairs Department not to delay the palace maids’ scheduled departures for marriage just because of the Empress’s funeral rites.
Setting down my brush after finishing two final edicts, I leaned over to wipe away the First Prince’s tears. I told him that from now on, he wasn’t allowed to pull the legs off crickets for fun; a gentleman should be mindful of his conduct even when alone, and one should not commit an evil act simply because it seems small.
The First Prince, Heng’er, was still young and didn’t understand what a “gentleman” meant. He only lowered his head and toyed with a paper lantern that had a torn corner.
Standing by for orders, Eunuch Zhou cautiously offered a reminder:
“Your Majesty… as for His Majesty’s side, how should this servant report…”
I froze, thinking it over carefully.
Half a month ago, Yan Lang and I had a massive argument and had been in a cold war ever since.
He was adamant about conferring the title of Noble Consort upon my younger sister. He had gone so far as to send the decree for my deposition along with the poisoned wine for my suicide, all to force me to bow my head once more.
In the past, I would have torn the decree, smashed the wine, and stormed into the hall with a sword to demand an explanation from Yan Lang face-to-face.
But now that I had resolved to leave, I didn’t want to-and couldn’t be bothered to-quarrel with him anymore.
Calculating that I had less than three days left to live, I rubbed my temples and said with a gentle smile:
“Tell His Majesty that I agree.
“Three days from now, have Fifth Lady Cui invested as a Noble Lady and brought into the palace.”
Eunuch Zhou was an old hand who had served in the palace for a long time. Seeing my face pale with illness, he hesitated but still offered a few words of persuasion:
“Your Majesty, you need not concern yourself with Fifth Lady Cui entering the palace. Right now, your priority is to nurse your own health.
“Furthermore, you are the Mother of the World. No matter whose child it is, if you like them, you can bring them to Jianjia Palace to be raised.”
Hearing Eunuch Zhou’s voice, the First Prince poked his head out from behind me happily and held up the rolling lantern in his hand:
“The lantern is broken, Da Xi will fix it…”
Eunuch Zhou hurriedly set down his horsetail whisk to coax him. Catching sight of the final edicts spread out on my desk by accident, he fell to his knees in a panic:
“Your Majesty, these words are inauspicious…
“This servant will be so bold as to say something even at the risk of death. Back then, His Majesty originally had a marriage contract with Fifth Lady Cui, but His Majesty took pity on how difficult Your Majesty’s life was in the Cui Clan, so he changed his mind and took Your Majesty as his wife.
“A few days ago, the Bureau of Medicine selected a new batch of medical attendants. His Majesty’s intention was that once Fifth Lady Cui enters the palace, he would send people to regulate Your Majesty’s health and prescribe medicine. In the future, when Your Majesty gives birth to a prince, he will be the Crown Prince…”
When Eunuch Zhou mentioned the medicine and the past, a sudden wave of nausea hit my stomach.
During the first five years after Yan Lang ascended the throne, I spent five years consuming all sorts of bitter medicinal tonics to regulate my body, yet I never became pregnant.
The imperial physicians only said that Her Majesty had suffered from excessive anxiety in her youth and had contracted a cold affliction, and that she would conceive after some time of recuperation.
I knew a bit of medicine myself, so I knew that my body would never recover.
The “excessive anxiety” came from when I first married Yan Lang. He had been framed by his brothers and was loathed by the late Emperor. Not only were we mistreated by palace servants regarding our food and drink, but no one cared even when he was burning up with a high fever.
I was grateful that Yan Lang was willing to marry me. The title of Prince’s Consort forced my father to acknowledge me and bring me into the capital. He moved my mother’s grave into the Cui family estate, fulfilling her dying wish.
So, before I had even taken off my wedding robes, I pulled a blade from the woodpile in the courtyard. At fourteen, I suppressed my tears and shame, holding the knife to my own throat to scare the bullying eunuchs into summoning an imperial physician.
Later, to help Yan Lang nurse his health, I skimped on my own food and supplies, often going hungry.
The late Emperor killed five of his sons in three days, which kept me in a constant state of fear and worry. Lacking proper care, even my monthly cycles became irregular.
The “cold affliction” happened when Yan Lang was being pursued by his elder brother. I put on Yan Lang’s clothes and rode his White Lion Horse to lead the pursuers away.
When Yan Lang found me, I had been unconscious in the snowy meltwater at the bottom of a cliff for three days and nights.
Chief Physician Yuan, the most skilled in gynecology, said that if His Majesty had been half a day faster, Her Majesty’s body wouldn’t have been damaged to this extent.
In the first two years, those medicinal soups made me vomit constantly, until I was so weak I could only swallow a little rice water.
Yan Lang had held my thin hand, his eyes red with guilt:
“Zhangzhu, we won’t drink it anymore. It’s too bitter.
“It’s my fault. If only I had arrived sooner, you wouldn’t…”
He was so consumed by self-reproach that he drafted a decree for me, saying that in the future, we would adopt a child from a branch of the family. He would rather have no children than see me suffer any longer.
My heart ached for him, so I endured the nausea every day to drink those portions of bitter medicine, praying for heaven’s mercy.