Chapter 4
The frontier was remote, but the town was lively enough.
After Lu Yan left for camp,
I seldom went out. I feared the cold, and I feared running into Pei Xuan.
The neighbors were soldiers’ families, too. In time, we came to know one another.
Because I was frail, Lu Yan paid a woman to help with the washing and cooking.
Her husband also served in the army. As we chatted, she said,
“My husband says that new Lord Pei may be nobly born, but he doesn’t put on airs with the ordinary soldiers.”
She noticed the gold bracelet on my wrist, and envy crept into her eyes.
“You’ve married a capable man. He’s the best fighter in camp. He comes first in the trials every year.”
“I hear Lord Pei took a liking to him as soon as he arrived. He’s praised him in public more than once, and even brought him onto his own staff to groom him as a trusted officer.”
“That bracelet must be part of the reward Lord Pei gave him a few days ago.”
“Your husband treats you so well. He saves every good thing for you.”
Suddenly my wrist felt hot. I stared at the bracelet, not knowing what to do.
That evening, when Lu Yan came home, I hesitated for a long time before asking,
“Was this bracelet a gift from Lord Pei?”
Lu Yan took off his outer robe and waited until he had warmed up before holding me.
“I was awarded some gold. I had someone take it to a goldsmith to melt down and make this.”
“I don’t want to wear it anymore.”
“Why? Don’t you like the design? I’ll take you to exchange it tomorrow.”
I stammered,
“N-no. I was thinking that if you get promoted, you’ll have more expenses, more people to cultivate. You ought to save some money. Don’t spend it all on me.”
“Yes. I’ll save some, and spend some on you.”
Lu Yan stopped my hand as I tried to remove the bracelet.
“The enemy is getting restless. There are plenty of chances to distinguish myself. This time I shot an enemy battalion commander. The reward was what regulations prescribe.”
“There’ll be more. Not just bracelets. Hairpins, silk, earrings—more of all of them.”
As soon as I heard that it was a reward owed under the court’s regulations, rather than a gift from Pei Xuan,
I changed my mind.
“Then I’ll wear it. It’s such a pretty bracelet. I’ll wear it every day.”
Lu Yan looked at me and suddenly smiled.
His gaze made me self-conscious.
“What are you smiling at?”
“I don’t know.”
Lu Yan’s voice grew a little muffled.
“There’s a man from my hometown in the army. He’s extraordinarily brave, always the first to charge. Once a blade half a meter long struck his back, and he didn’t make a sound.”
“One time, he got a letter from home. He asked a man from our town who could read to read it aloud. Before the second sentence, he was bawling.”
“Everyone around him cursed him for making such a dreadful racket. I asked him the same thing that day: What are you crying for?”
“He didn’t answer. He only said I’d understand once I was married.”
“Now I am married, and I still don’t understand.”
“The moment I see you, I want to smile. The moment I think of going back to camp, my chest starts aching.”
Lu Yan was young. He spoke with a blunt, earnest directness.
“I can’t control what I feel.”
“It’s as though my heart stopped working properly on our wedding night.”
“It’s so strange. Does every man get sick like this when he marries?”