Chapter 5

Chapter 5

I ended up with no friends.

Mom said, “That’s even better. You can focus on your studies.”

“If you’re going to make friends, at least choose someone with better grades than you.”

Countless times, she told me that if I didn’t study hard, I would be stuck in the countryside for the rest of my life.

But I didn’t come to my senses. I only felt like I was suffocating.

Compared to her, Dad was much better.

He and Auntie never forced me to do homework.

And there were so many fun places in the county town.

The free slides, swings, and hopscotch squares by East Lake were enough for me to while away an entire day.

Dad even said, “Your mom’s lost her mind, hasn’t she? You’re a girl. Finish middle school, work for a couple of years, then find someone to marry. Why is she still dreaming about sending you to college?”

Auntie said too, “Children should be allowed to run around and play!”

So I liked going to Dad’s place quite a lot.

The turning point came in sixth grade.

Back then, the county organized a cultural performance to welcome the new century.

Our school prepared several programs, and I was chosen as the lead dancer.

We needed matching costumes for the performance. I begged Mom for a long time, and she finally agreed.

But when it came time to pay the costume fee, Mom changed her mind. “Fifty yuan? Is this costume made of gold? Why is it so expensive?”

“You can only wear a performance costume like this once. It’s not worth it. Tell your teacher you’re not going.”

I was so anxious I nearly cried.

“The performance is only a week away. There’s no time to replace me.”

“Mom, you promised me. I know you have money. You just sold twenty chickens a few days ago…”

“That money is being saved for your college entrance exams. Not a single cent of it can be touched. You’re not dancing. A student’s most important job is studying!”

…

No matter how I pleaded, Mom refused to pay.

She even scolded me.

“Perform, my ass. What, you think you’re going to become a star?”

“Take a look at yourself in the mirror, then open your eyes and look at this family. Do you deserve to have dreams like that?”

She pierced through my fragile fantasy.

And I wounded her with words just as sharp. “You’re the one who dragged me into suffering with you. If I’d gone with Dad, he’d definitely be willing to pay.”

In that instant, Mom’s face changed completely.

Her whole body went rigid as she snapped, “Get out, then! Go to him!”

She shoved me out with all her strength and slammed the door shut with a bang.

“Ungrateful little thing. Get out right now!”

Unfortunately, I was furious too, and I didn’t hear that behind that thin door, her voice was actually trembling.

I went to Uncle Zhou’s house at the village entrance. Every night, he drove his unlicensed three-wheeler to the county town.

I lied and told him Mom wanted him to take me into town to find Dad.

Holding my breath, I made it all the way to Dad’s house.

They were just about to have dinner. The dishes on the table were plentiful, and there was even an unopened cake sitting there.

It turned out to be Auntie’s son’s birthday.

That birthday cake I had never once had was something Dad had bought to please his stepson.

If he could buy a birthday cake for a son who wasn’t even his, then surely he could spare a little care for his biological daughter too, right?

Sniffling, I explained why I had come.

Dad frowned. “Your mom’s right. This is a waste of money.”

Auntie came out of the kitchen and handed me one yuan.

“Beibei, could you go to the little shop on the street across the way and buy me a packet of salt?”

The little shop across the street was very far away.

When I came back with the salt, the door was already closed.

I knocked again and again.

I heard Dad singing the birthday song. I heard Zhou Sheng’s happy laughter when he received his gift.

I heard Auntie say, “If you dare open the door today and let her in to cry and ruin the mood, then don’t bother coming into this house again either.”

God.

I understood far too late.

Or perhaps I had been deceiving myself all along.

The truth was, this door had never welcomed me.

I walked up and down the long street, again and again.

There were many children out playing with their parents on the street. I was the only one all alone.

After a long time, the crowds gradually faded away, and only a half moon remained to keep lonely me company.

I remembered that when I was little, I was terribly afraid of the dark.

If we went out at night, Mom would always hold my hand tightly.

Once, she accidentally fell into a ditch, and the first thing she said was, “Mommy’s here. Don’t be scared.”

At that moment, my longing for her reached its peak.

Maybe I was holding myself up on sheer stubbornness, or maybe I was just young and reckless.

Just like that, I walked along in the moonlight, heading all the way back from town.

There was no one on the mountain road. Only sleepless birds occasionally let out eerie cries.

I walked with my head down for a very, very long time, my stomach empty, my feet as heavy as lead.

And yet the road seemed as if it would never end.

Just then, at the end of the moonlight, someone was pedaling a bicycle toward me as fast as they could, rushing over in a hurry.

Afraid it might be a bad person, I quickly hid in the shadows of the trees.

Until that figure drew closer and closer.