Chapter 9

Chapter 9

I ate dinner in the palace and only went home when the palace gates were about to be locked.

Great-Aunt said she had known I would not make it back in time, so she had saved me some sugar-steamed custard to eat with her.

I told her I had been scared half to death in Hanzhang Hall, and she burst out laughing. “I was the one who told him what you said.”

That frightened me all over again. I nearly dropped my spoon.

“And here I thought there was a traitor in the princess’s estate!”

She was not surprised in the slightest. She stirred the custard in her bowl twice, then looked up and said, “The Emperor will be seventy next year, yet he only named the Crown Prince last year, and grudgingly at that. Why do you think that is?”

I lowered my head and ate, spoon in hand, pretending my mouth was too full to answer.

She saw through my unease and went on by herself. “Because our old Gu Family has no worthy successors right now, and he still isn’t satisfied with these children. The eldest is too eager for quick gains. The second has honey on his lips and a knife in his heart. As for the fourth, he may not be capable either, but at least he has no ambition, which is why he was granted such a fine fief in Jiangnan and sent off early to enjoy his comforts. Your cousins are the same. Spoiled by their fathers, they can’t withstand the slightest storm. None of them are fit for great use.”

“Seventy has always been a rare age for any man, let alone an emperor burdened by affairs of state. He may not be seriously ill, but his body weakens by the day. How could he not be anxious?”

“What happened when I was young has remained a thorn in his heart to this day, so he cherishes talent all the more. You received the National Preceptor’s true teachings. Classics, history, policy essays, marching armies and fighting battles-you learned everything superbly. In the future, whether you assist the ruler or lead the officials of court, after he is gone, he will be able to close his eyes in peace.”

I patted her hand soothingly. “It’s all right. I’m gold; wherever I go, I’ll fetch a good price. I’m only twenty. I have plenty of time ahead of me.”

She did not continue. Instead, she narrowed her eyes in the candlelight and studied me for a while before sighing. “Time passes so quickly. You’re already twenty… Your birthday is next month. Do you have any plans?”

I set down my bowl and sat up straight. “I want to make a trip to Tanzhou to pay respects to my parents.”

After the two elders passed on, I would certainly return to my fief to live out my days. If I went now to have Prince Duan’s Mansion repaired and stayed there for a few days, the people at court would naturally understand my meaning.

Besides, once my proposal was put into practice, the Advisory Court would surely erupt into another uproar. Leaving the capital at that time would be a good way to avoid the worst of it.

Great-Aunt understood me, so she did not ask further. I picked up the remaining half bowl of sugar-steamed custard, and then she suddenly asked, “Have you taken a fancy to any young man?”

I choked hard and bent over the table, coughing for quite a while.

“…Great-Aunt, you know about the few young gentlemen I keep in touch with, don’t you?”

She blinked. “Of course I do. That’s exactly why I’m afraid you might have taken a fancy to one and be too embarrassed to tell me. We lack neither power, status, looks, nor talent. Even if you took a liking to someone and had him tied up and brought here, he would still be the one coming out ahead.”

“I truly haven’t taken a fancy to anyone! Those noble young masters avoid me like I’m a snake or scorpion. I have no interest in spineless cowards like that.”

“If there is someone, you mustn’t be shy about it. A young heart stirred by affection-even if you end up hating that person in the end, it still leaves a scar. A person only lives once. The fewer regrets, the better.”

She seemed to think of something. Her eyes lowered, and her hand gently stirred the remaining custard in her bowl. The porcelain spoon scraped against the side of the bowl with a clear, tinkling sound.

Great-Aunt was seventy-one, already past the age of seventy. But she cared greatly for her health and appearance. She applied pearl-ground paste to her face and used peach-blossom powder as makeup. As for those tonics that smelled so foul they made one gag, she drank them down without blinking.

She cared a great deal about her hair. All these years, she kept a constant watch on it, and whenever any obvious white hairs appeared, she had them dyed.

I asked, “Do you have that scar too?”

She seemed to come back to herself with a start, then smiled in a way that was hard to tell whether it was helplessness or acceptance, and gently shook her head. Candlelight rippled in her eyes with a watery gleam, as though there were a single tear there that refused to fall.

No? Then why could she not bear to see her own white hair? Why had she been willing to let the National Preceptor come to the Grand Princess’s estate to teach me for seven years, yet refused to meet him herself?

Back when the National Preceptor taught me, she always stayed at the other end of the Grand Princess’s estate, far, far away. But I knew she had come before. Sometimes she waited quietly on the first floor for a short while. Sometimes she watched the tower window from a distance.

I set down my bowl and took her hands in both of mine. The flesh on her hands had grown a little loose, and the gemstone rings and her bones pressed equally hard against my palms.

“Do you have regrets? As long as you’re willing to tell me, I will definitely-”

She patted my hand, cutting off what I was about to say.

“In this life, I was born a princess. I enjoyed wealth and honor, fought in battles, and lived happily enough. Now that you’ve grown up so well and have such a firm mind of your own, I will have no regrets whenever I close my eyes for the last time.”

“But…”

She still smiled like that and shook her head. “Who can live a whole lifetime without regrets? Since my life has been smooth and peaceful enough, why cling to what I never obtained? I tell you not to leave regrets because you are still young. The earlier you carry regret, the longer your days of suffering will be.”

When she had said that much, I could not ask any further.

Was that tear truly in her eyes or not?

I did not know.