Chapter 2
Today was the first time in six years that I had invited my aunt over.
It was also the first time we had seen each other in those six years.
She took out a handkerchief and dabbed at her eyes, unable to conceal her satisfaction at my misfortune.
“After that terrible quarrel you picked with me, do you finally see how good I am to you?
“Now you’ve suffered, you remember me. Only because I raised you and love you so dearly am I willing to overlook it.
“Wang Heng has always respected me as his elder. I’ll speak to him, give him a scolding, and make him apologize.”
I watched the pleasure lurking in my aunt’s eyes and gave a contemptuous smile.
“It wasn’t Wang Heng.
“Your own daughter, Song Wan, did this.
“My husband found her.”
Her pupils widened. Time seemed to stretch and freeze.
She trembled from head to foot with joy.
Almost dancing, she clutched my mother’s arm.
“Sister, did you hear that?
“My daughter’s back!
“They’ve found her!
“Heaven has eyes! Heaven has eyes after all!”
Tears streamed down her face.
My mother spoke excitedly.
“This is wonderful… wonderful… At last, our suffering is over.”
She glanced at the wound on my head and tried to reason with me.
“Don’t blame your cousin. She must have endured something terrible to hurt you like that.
“She must have suffered so much during all those years away.
“Think how well you’ve lived all this time.
“Give way to her. Don’t hold it against her. She’s already so pitiful.
“After all, you occupied her place. You owe her. You’re the one in the wrong.”
Disgust filled me.
“Mother, of all of you, you’re the one I hate most.
“How generous of you to give away your own daughter to ease your sister’s grief.
“Why should I give way to Song Wan? Because she’s pitiful?
“I didn’t cause her suffering. You, however, created mine with your own hands.
“You’re not fit to be a mother. You’re not even fit to be called human.
“As long as I live, I will never let you off.”
Before I became a mother, I could find no comfort for what had happened to me.
But because I loved her, I kept finding excuses for her.
Once I had a child of my own,
I could no longer lie to myself.
She didn’t love me.
With her coldness, her indifference, she forced me to recognize the same truth over and over.
My mother did not love me.
She didn’t even care whether I lived or died.
Now that I was a mother,
I put myself in her place.
No matter how many reasons I imagined,
I could never have made her choice.
To send a five-year-old daughter away to someone else’s home.
To leave her there for nine years without a thought.
Yet a small child’s love for her mother is instinctive.
Just as my daughter now loved and clung to me with her whole being,
I had dreamed, day and night, of my mother taking me away.
But
she never did.
Whenever she saw me, she only gave me instructions and told me how terribly my aunt had suffered.
I must take good care of my aunt. I must soothe her.
How absurd.
“Someone like you…” I stared into her shocked eyes. “You ought to die.”
My mother cried out.
“You! You! How did you become so vicious?
“I’m your own mother. How dare you speak to me like this!”
My aunt cut in urgently.
“Stop arguing! What matters now is letting me see Ah Wan.”
I turned to her, my voice malicious.
“Aunt, aren’t you going to ask where my husband found your daughter?”
Both women turned their eyes to me.
My smile was nasty, but all I felt was sorrow.
For Song Wan, and for myself.
“A. Brothel.”
I thought that, in the end, I had become someone loathsome.
They had tormented me for so many years.
I would make them suffer in return.
Why should I be the only one in pain?
Why should I bear the consequences of their suffering?
What, exactly, had I ever done wrong?