chapter 4

chapter 4

I did not say much else to them after that, and we became strangers in all but name.

They did not care. They were busy trying to please Zhao Ye.

They dredged up hometown snacks, hometown stories, and hometown scenery, and thought up every amusing thing they could, hoping Zhao Ye would spend a little more time looking at my sister.

Arao was very sensible too.

She kept circling around Zhao Ye, moving from the doorway of his courtyard to his study, grinding ink, cleaning the inkstone, and keeping him company with her red sleeves and fragrant presence.

I once thought about asking Zhao Ye what he was thinking.

But when I reached his door, I stopped.

Inside, I could hear my sister’s soft, coquettish laughter.

“Brother-in-law, give me a name too, will you? I don’t want to be called Arao. I want a nice name like my sister has.”

I did not know what Zhao Ye said.

I turned and walked away, standing in the bamboo grove and watching the leaves rustle in the wind.

I thought that perhaps everyone had the right to run headfirst into a wall, and I should respect the choice of those who wanted to do so. Why should I insist that my choice was the right one? That would be too arrogant.

My choice was only useful to me. I had to remember that.

Days passed one by one.

My worries swayed like wild grass in the wind. One moment they drifted east, the next they swayed west, until in the end they were pressed beneath thick snow and became something discarded by time.

But the thing that truly made me let go was something very small.

On my birthday, my parents tried to mend our relationship.

They made hometown dishes and longevity noodles.

The bowl of longevity noodles was lavishly prepared.

I asked where they got the money.

My sister smiled. “From brother-in-law, of course. He gives Father, Mother, and me a monthly allowance. Sister, don’t you get one too?”

I quietly ate my noodles.

They were very good.

I ate every last strand.

And after that, I finally felt at peace.

My parents laughed. “Aqiao, we have thought it over and over, and Arao’s matter still needs you to speak to His Highness. If you don’t nod your head, the prince will never take Arao as a concubine… eh? Eh? Eh… what are you doing? Don’t push me… why are you so disobedient…”

I shoved them out the door, ignoring their curses.

My heart was utterly calm.
chapter 5

I did not speak with them anymore. We became strangers.

They did not care. They were busy trying to curry favor with Zhao Ye.

Local snacks, stories from our hometown, the scenery there, and every amusing thing they could think of with their brains racked dry, all in hopes of making Zhao Ye look at my sister a little longer.

Arao was very sensible too.

She kept circling around Zhao Ye, from the courtyard gate all the way to his study, grinding ink, washing brushes, and adding fragrance to his robes.

I once thought about asking Zhao Ye what he intended to do.

But when I reached his door, I stopped.

Inside came my sister’s sweet, childlike laughter.

“Brother-in-law, give me a name too? I don’t want to be called Arao. I want a nice name like my sister’s.”

I don’t know what Zhao Ye said.

I turned and walked away, standing in the bamboo grove as I watched the leaves rustle in the wind.

I thought that perhaps everyone had the right to run into a wall, and I should respect the choices of those who wanted to do so. Why should I insist that my choice was the right one? That would be far too arrogant.

My own choices only had to work for me. I had to keep that in mind.

Days passed like this, one after another.

My worries were like wild grass swaying in the wind, drifting east with the wind for a while, then swaying west with the next gust, until they were finally pressed down by heavy snow and became something time had discarded.

But what truly let me let go was actually something very small.

On my birthday, my parents tried to mend things with me.

They made the food from our hometown and longevity noodles.

The bowl of longevity noodles had plenty of toppings.

I asked where they got the money.

My sister smiled and said, “Brother-in-law gave it to us. He gives monthly allowances to Father, Mother, and me. Sister, don’t you get any?”

I ate the noodles in silence.

They were very good.

I ate every last bite.

After I finished, I felt strangely at peace.

My parents smiled and said, “Aqiao, after thinking it over and over, Arao’s matter still has to be discussed with His Highness by you. If you don’t agree, His Highness will not take Arao as a concubine… Eh? Eh? Eh… What are you doing? Don’t push me… Why are you such a disobedient child…”

I shoved them out the door and ignored their shouting and cursing.

My heart was quiet.

That night, I thought about many things.

I thought about why I had once said those things to Zhao Ye.

If I had tried to take care of Zhao Ye back then, would I have ended up living a life of silk and fine food now?

If I had shamelessly used the imperial marriage decree as if it were a command token, could I really have become a prince’s wife?

I thought about it for a long time until I actually laughed at myself.

No. I was never born to swallow a half-cooked meal like that.

My reason told me clearly that if I had truly accepted Zhao Ye as my husband back then and taken care of him in the name of a wife, I would only have forced him to hate me.

He was already down and out at the time. To him, I was humiliation itself. If I had stubbornly pressed myself onto him and forced him to acknowledge the marriage, I would have become the accomplice of those who had harmed him. He would have hated me before he could ever thank me.

Even though I had been miserable too, even though I had no choice, it would have been the same.

It was like a man whose leg had been broken and whose hands had been bound, already miserable enough, when the villain threw him into someone else’s house and pointed at the ugly man inside, saying, this woman is your wife from now on.

Would that ugly man really be her husband?

No. He would be an accomplice.

I was glad I had not become an accomplice, glad I had not attached myself to him under the guise of care so that I could stand on the moral high ground and demand fortune from Zhao Ye in the future.

I came here cleanly, and I would leave cleanly.

I, Li Shuyao, ugly as I might be, still had the bearing of a gentleman.

I had not fallen.

I had not let myself become something filthy.

I had been good to myself.

I slept exceptionally well, and when I woke up, I understood everything.

On the day I understood, I came to ask for the divorce.

Zhao Ye’s brows were tightly drawn together as he stared at me intently.

“You really must leave?”

I let out a breath and felt secretly pleased. He had not said anything nonsense, had not dragged Arao into it, and had not put on a fake show of trying to keep me. He had faced my question directly.

I said calmly, “Your Highness, if the positions were reversed and you were me, would you be willing to stay here?”

On paper I was his wife, but in truth no one acknowledged it.

He did not recognize me, and I did not recognize it either.

My name was nowhere to be found in the imperial clan register.

There was no record of me in the Imperial Clan Court.

Inside the prince’s estate, I was not a mistress.

If I stayed here, I would be embarrassed, frightened, and uneasy. Even if I lived here ten years, twenty years, this would never be my home.

Zhao Ye was silent for a long time, then suddenly said, “Li Shuyao, I do not dislike you. A divorce is fine, but you can stay. You can keep living in that courtyard forever.”

Perhaps he meant it sincerely, but I only gave a soft laugh.

“Your Highness, I want a home of my own.”

A home where I could eat, sleep, and work in peace.

A home where I could make my own decisions.

Even if that home held only me.

Zhao Ye looked at me deeply and quietly said, “All right.”

The divorce papers were written in duplicate.

After they were signed, the steward would take them to the authorities for filing.

I took one copy, folded it carefully, and turned to leave.

Zhao Ye suddenly asked, “What about your parents? What will happen to them?”

I said calmly, “I will tell them that I am leaving. Whether they leave or not is their business. Whether they stay or not is Your Highness’s business.”

Whoever invited trouble was responsible for it.

Whoever did not want it could refuse it.

Their grudges had nothing to do with me.
chapter 6

That night, I thought about a great many things.

I thought about why I had said those things to Zhao Ye in the first place.

If I had taken care of Zhao Ye back then, would I now be living a life of silk and jade?

If I had shamelessly used the imperial edict as my command token back then, could I really have become a prince’s consort?

I thought about it for a long time until I laughed at myself.

No, I could never swallow that half-cooked bowl of rice.

My reason told me that if I had truly accepted Zhao Ye as my husband and cared for him in the name of a wife, that would only have forced him to hate me.

Because at that time he was already down and out, and I was humiliation to him. If I had insisted on clinging to him and forcing him to acknowledge the marriage, I would have become an accomplice to the people harming him. He would have hated me before he could ever thank me.

Even though I was also down and out then, and had no choice.

It was like a person whose leg had been broken and whose hands had been tied. Already miserable enough, and then the bad guy throws her into someone’s household and says to the ugly man inside, this woman is your wife now.

In that case, would that man really be her husband?

No. He would be an accomplice.

I was very glad I had not become that accomplice, and that I had not attached myself under the guise of caring for him, only to stand on some moral high ground later and demand that Zhao Ye share his future riches with me.

I came clean and left clean.

I, Li Shuyao, ugly though I was, actually still had some gentlemanly spirit.

I did not fall so low that I became something dirty.

I treated myself very well.

I slept an unusually good sleep, and when I woke up, I had figured it out.

On the day I figured it out, I came to ask for a divorce.

Zhao Ye’s brows were tightly furrowed, his gaze burning as he looked at me.

“You really must leave?”

I let out a small breath of relief. Secretly, I was pleased that he had not said any nonsense, had not brought up Arao, and had not put on a fake show of reluctance. He had faced my problem directly.

I said calmly, “Your Highness, if the positions were reversed and you were me, would you be willing to stay here?”

On paper, I was his wife. In reality, no one acknowledged it.

He did not acknowledge it, and neither did I.

My name was not in the royal genealogy.

There was no record of me in the Imperial Clan Court.

I was not even regarded as the mistress of the prince’s residence.

If I stayed here, it would be awkward, fearful, and unsettling. Even if I lived here for ten years or twenty, this would never be my home.

Zhao Ye was silent for a long time before he finally said, “Li Shuyao, I do not dislike you. A divorce is fine, but you can stay. You can always live in that courtyard.”

Those might very well have been his sincere words, but I only gave a soft laugh.

“Your Highness, I want a home of my own.”

A home where I could eat, sleep, and work in peace.

A home where I could make my own decisions.

Even if that home had only me in it.

Zhao Ye looked at me deeply and softly said one word: “Good.”

The divorce papers were made in duplicate.

Once signed, the steward would take them to the yamen for filing.

I took one copy, folded it carefully, and turned to leave.

Zhao Ye suddenly asked, “What about your parents? What will happen to them?”

I said calmly, “I will tell them that I am leaving. As for whether they leave or not, that is their matter. Whether they stay or go is Your Highness’s matter.”

Whoever caused the trouble was responsible for it.

Whoever was unwilling could refuse.

Their grievances had nothing to do with me.