chapter 4

I said little more to them. We became strangers.

They did not mind. They were busy pleasing Zhao Ye.

Food from home, amusing stories, familiar scenery: they racked their brains for anything that might entertain him and keep his attention on my sister a moment longer.

Arao knew how to make herself agreeable, too.

She hovered around him, working her way from the entrance to his courtyard into his study, where she ground ink, cleaned his inkstone, and kept him company.

Once, I considered asking Zhao Ye what he intended.

But I stopped outside his door.

My sister’s playful laughter drifted out.

“Brother-in-law, will you give me a name, too? I don’t want to be called Arao. I want a pretty name like my sister’s.”

I never heard his answer.

I turned away and stood among the bamboo, watching the leaves rustle in the wind.

Perhaps everyone had the right to learn a hard lesson for themselves. I ought to respect the choices of people determined to do so. Why should anyone have to accept that my choice was the right one? That would be arrogant of me.

My choices were mine to make, for my own life. I needed to remember that.

The days passed.

My worries swayed like wild grass, blown first one way and then the other, until snow buried them and time left them behind.

But what finally helped me let go was something very small.

On my birthday, my parents tried to make peace.

They prepared food from home, including a bowl of birthday noodles.

The noodles came with a generous assortment of toppings.

I asked where they had found the money.

My sister smiled. “Brother-in-law gave it to us. He gives Mother, Father, and me a monthly allowance. Don’t you get one, Sister?”

I ate in silence.

The noodles were good.

I finished every mouthful.

By the time the bowl was empty, I felt at peace.

My parents smiled. “Aqiao, we’ve thought it over. You still need to speak to His Highness about Arao. He won’t take her as a concubine unless you agree… Hey! What are you doing? Stop pushing me… Why won’t you ever listen?”

I ushered them out and ignored their shouting.

Inside, I was perfectly calm.

That night, I thought about many things.

I remembered why I had made that agreement with Zhao Ye in the first place.

If I had looked after him then, would I be living in luxury now?

If I had shamelessly used the marriage decree to insist on my rights, could I have become his consort in more than name?

I thought about it until I laughed at myself.

No. I had never been able to stomach that sort of compromise.

Reason told me that if I had insisted on being his wife and cared for him in that capacity, I would only have given him cause to hate me.

He had been disgraced, and I was the humiliation imposed on him. If I had forced him to accept the marriage, I would have become an accomplice to the people who had hurt him. Why would he have thanked me? He would only have hated me.

Even though I had been helpless and disgraced myself.

Imagine a woman whose legs have been broken and whose hands are bound. As if that were not enough, her tormentor throws her into a stranger’s house and tells the ugly man inside, “This woman is your wife now.”

Would that woman truly see the man as her husband?

No. She would see him as an accomplice.

I was glad I had not become one. I had not used the excuse of caring for Zhao Ye to bind myself to him, then claim the moral right to a share of his wealth and status later.

I had come with a clear conscience, and I could leave with one.

I, Li Shuyao, might be ugly, but I had conducted myself with honor.

I had not sunk so low. I had not made myself into something vile.

I had treated myself well.

That night I slept better than I had in a long time. By morning, my mind was clear.

That was the day I asked for a divorce.

Zhao Ye stared at me, his brows tightly drawn.

“Must you leave?”

I relaxed a little, quietly glad. He had not brought up Arao, muddied the issue, or pretended to beg me to stay. He was taking my request seriously.

I answered calmly:

“Your Highness, if our positions were reversed, would you want to stay?”

I was his wife in name, but no one truly acknowledged it.

Neither he nor I did.

My name was absent from the imperial genealogy.

The office responsible for the imperial clan had no record of me.

I held no authority in his household.

Staying meant awkwardness, fear, and uncertainty. I could live here for ten years, or twenty, and it would still not be my home.

After a long silence, Zhao Ye spoke.

“Li Shuyao, I don’t dislike you. We can divorce, but you needn’t leave. You can keep living in that courtyard.”

Perhaps he meant it. I only smiled.

“Your Highness, I want a home of my own.”

A place where I could eat, sleep, and work without feeling uneasy.

A place where I could make my own decisions.

Even if I were the only person in it.

Zhao Ye looked at me for a long moment. Then he said softly, “Very well.”

The divorce agreement was drawn up in duplicate.

After we signed, a steward would take it to the authorities to be registered.

I took one copy, folded it carefully, and turned to leave.

Suddenly, Zhao Ye asked, “What about your parents? What will they do?”

“I’ll tell them I’m leaving,” I said calmly. “Whether they come with me is their decision. Whether they stay here is yours.”

Those who involved themselves could take responsibility.

Those who objected could say no.

Their obligations and grievances had nothing to do with me.