Chapter 7

I began writing my personal statement.

At ‘Family Relationships,’ I stalled for a long time.

Once, I would have written:

Loving parents. A harmonious family.

A conscientious, upright father.

A thrifty, diligent mother.

They value my education and hold me to high standards.

But the longer I stared at those lines, the more they resembled a problem with insufficient conditions: impossible to prove.

In the end, I deleted them all.

I wrote only facts.

From primary school through high school, I had no pocket money.

My parents set a limit on the cost of every meal.

I wasn’t allowed to attend class gatherings, buy books unrelated to schoolwork, or socialize with students whose grades were lower than mine.

After the university entrance exam, they required me to earn my tuition and living expenses independently within two months.

I failed.

I took five thousand yuan from a drawer at home.

My parents called the police.

I was held in custody.

When I finished, I saw my own life for the first time.

Without ‘for your own good’ covering it up.

It looked cold.

Like a ledger with expenses and no income.

I read those pages again from the beginning.

To my parents, I was a daughter who stole, disobeyed, and betrayed all they had invested in raising me.

To me, they were parents who withheld tuition, had me arrested, and tried to control me.

Both sides focused only on the part they could see.

One person stood in front of the tiger and said it had no tail.

The other stood beside it and said it had only one eye.

If neither would move, each would go on believing the other was lying.

So I didn’t label anyone good or bad in my statement.

I only wrote down each thing that had happened.

Facts don’t automatically provide answers.

But at least they can show that the tiger has another side.

In October, Dad called me for the first time since term began.

He didn’t start by asking whether I was eating well.

He asked why I hadn’t dropped out yet.

I paused.

“Why would I drop out?”

His voice was low and stern.

“You’ve been in detention. Haven’t you brought enough shame on us?

“Come back, repeat the year, and sit the exam again. If you behave, this family can give you another chance.”

I said,

“Peking is already the university I want to attend.”

“What does wanting it matter? Life isn’t all about what you want!”

He grew more worked up as he spoke.

At last, he let something slip.

After my exam results came out, an exam-preparation school in our county had contacted them.

It wanted to enroll me as ‘a high-scoring student repeating the year to aim for first in the province.’

If I agreed to repeat the year and cooperate with its publicity, it would pay two hundred thousand yuan in promotional fees for the first year alone.

Without my knowledge, my parents had already promised to persuade me to withdraw from university, and accepted a twenty-thousand-yuan advance.

They’d assumed that cutting off my tuition would make me come home.

They hadn’t expected me to take the money.

Still less that, even after a few days locked up, I would leave anyway.

I asked,

“Did you call the police because I stole, or because you wanted me to repeat the year?”

Silence at the other end.

Then Dad’s embarrassment turned quickly to rage.

“What’s the difference?

“Stealing is wrong! What’s wrong with letting the police teach you that?”

I thought about it.

“There is a difference.

“The first means you’re standing by your principles.

“The second means you’re using those principles to force me to obey.”

Dad called me an ungrateful little wretch.

Then he hung up.

I’d finished the three apples during my first week at university.

That evening, passing a fruit shop, I bought another Golden Delicious.

The shop assistant warned me,

“These are mealy, not crisp.”

I said,

“That’s all right.”

It wasn’t sweet, either.

But I ate it clean, down to the little bits of flesh beside the core.