chapter 3

Just as in the two previous lives, Lady Xie arrived for a visit wearing a smile all over her face.

She looked so dignified and amiable that no one could have guessed how harsh she would become later.

At the time my mother told me that even though the Xie family had fallen, the Cuis would prepare a generous dowry for me.

The Xies were just an orphan and a widow, so I would not have to fret over the inner household.

Who could have imagined that once I married into the family, Lady Xie would show her true face?

She took control of my dowry yet pinched my allowances severely, saying only that Xie Pingqing would need to spend a great deal of money on connections in the future.

The Xie household had no servants, so in the bitter winter months I had to wash clothes for all of them, until my hands were swollen and aching.

Every day I had to stand at attention in my mother-in-law’s chambers, and at the slightest misstep I would be made to copy the Book of Female Virtue as punishment.

I had once wept to my parents about it.

But my father said that being able to marry Xie Pingqing was already a blessing for me, and that I should not be spoiled and willful.

My mother had a weak temperament, and so she dared not say another word.

Xie Pingqing only ever papered over the cracks, telling me to endure.

Later, as he soared to glory, I was worn down little by little in the back courtyard of the Xie mansion.

Xie Pingqing stood beside Lady Xie with a look of impatience.

So it was true. He was neither willing nor in love with me.

But I had been raised under strict family rules, and all I hoped for was to treat my husband with mutual respect. I never dared wish for tenderness and passion.

He treated me coldly, and only showed me a hint of affection when I produced stunning poems and political essays that could win him fame.

In this life, without me and without the Cui family, I would like to see how far he could go.

After the Xie family’s visit, my father brought up the engagement.

I knew that stubbornly refusing was the worst strategy, so I pretended to submit obediently.

Then, in secret, I bribed a physician and pretended to fall gravely ill.

The physician said I had damaged my vital energy, that I might not live long and might not be able to bear children.

I used this as a reason to try to call off the marriage with the Xie family.

My father was indeed hesitant.

Yet Xie Pingqing came to the door again, declaring that he would not abandon me over this, and that he would only take a concubine if he still had no son by the age of forty.

My father looked at him with eyes full of affection and admiration.

But he was still hesitant.

The suspicion in my heart deepened.

Xie Pingqing had already said as much, so my father’s hesitation could not possibly have been out of concern for me.

After all, in the first life he had never cared much about that either.

A bizarre thought surfaced in my mind.

He did not think I was worthy of marrying Xie Pingqing.

But no matter the reason, his hesitation was working in my favor.

Everything I did was only to buy time.

Because the imperial edict would be arriving soon.

The betrothal gifts from the palace came through the gate, one carrying frame after another, until the courtyard was stuffed full.

I was a little stunned.

In the previous life there had been none of this.

The eunuch delivering the edict read it aloud in a clear voice, and the courtyard fell utterly silent. No one stepped forward to accept it.

I swept my gaze across them, taking in the sight of every face.

My father was furious, my mother worried, my eldest brother bewildered, my youngest brother confused, while Cui Shuran wore an expression of a spectator enjoying the show.

I had never noticed before how deep her schemes and resentment ran.

She had grown up in the Cui household all these years, and in the end she could watch the entire clan be wiped out without a flicker of feeling.

I stepped forward calmly and accepted the edict.

“Your servant thanks Your Majesty for his boundless grace.”

From that moment on, I was no longer the eldest legitimate daughter of the Cui clan, but Noble Consort Cui of the palace.

I said to the eunuch, “Would you be so kind as to leave a few people to inform me of the affairs of the palace?”

The eunuch naturally agreed.

And so there was no way my father could make me “kill myself to preserve the Cui family’s name.”

When I returned to the inner hall, my father slapped me hard across the face.

“How could the Cui family produce a shameless creature like you?”

I answered calmly, “Father, defying an imperial edict is a capital crime.”

He sneered. “A woman is just a woman. No matter how many books she reads, she is still useless.”

Then he turned his anger on my mother, blaming her for failing to teach her children.

Yes, in the previous life my father had said the same thing.

He had taught me from childhood, and later he naturally recognized that the poems and essays Xie Pingqing used to win fame had all come from my hand.

Yet my father, who cared so much about the integrity of a scholar, unexpectedly did not think less of Xie Pingqing for it.

Instead he told me, “A woman can never put her learning to use no matter how much she reads. So this way, your talents are not being wasted after all.”

When I was little, he had always praised my studies and lamented countless times why I was not born a boy.

Back then I had not understood.

In the end, my father declared that if I insisted on entering the palace, our bond as father and daughter would be severed from that day on.

That night my mother carefully applied medicine to the corner of my mouth, making excuses for my father over and over, worrying all the while about the deep palace walls and what I would do without the support of my family.

But Cui Shuran had eyes and a heart only for herself.

“With sister acting like this, how are the other girls of our clan supposed to hold their heads up?”

She was afraid I would tarnish the Cui family’s name and ruin the marriage prospects of the Cui daughters.

I glanced at her coolly. “Didn’t Father say I am no longer a daughter of the Cui clan?”

My mother patted my head. “Nonsense. Your father just said that in anger.”

But I knew he was not merely venting.

Before I left, he forbade anyone from seeing me off, to make clear his determination to sever ties with me.

Yet my youngest brother came anyway, sneaking in.

He pressed a bundle of locust blossom cakes into my hands.

They were made by my mother.

In the old days, when the locust trees bloomed, she would take all of us siblings to pick the blossoms, then make cakes and share them among us.

His eyes were red.

“Big sister, Mother said you will never be able to eat these again.”

I thought of the first life again.

When the Cui clan was destroyed, my father hurled himself against the city wall, and my eldest brother followed him in death.

And my brother—Xie Pingqing had him made into a drum of human skin.

He beat it before my spirit tablet.

All because my little brother thought he treated me badly, thought he had climbed to glory by feeding on the flesh and blood of our Cui family.

In that moment, I wished only to turn into a vengeful spirit and gnaw day and night on the flesh of both him and Cui Shuran.

In the previous life I had missed my chance for revenge.

But this life, I would not.