Chapter 2
After my sister died, Mother and Father worried about their grandchildren and kept sending servants to invite them over.
The marquis’s household always refused. The old madam was unwell, they said; the children had to stay and attend her.
Relations between the two families grew so strained that we did not even exchange Mid-Autumn gifts.
Yet on the day of my coming-of-age ceremony, the old madam suddenly appeared to congratulate me, bringing my sister’s son and daughter. Her words carried a pointed meaning.
“Jin, Yu, that’s your very own aunt! Go and ask her for sweets.”
After that came repeated invitations to flower-viewing banquets and polo matches.
I declined them all. At last, after one refusal too many, they lost patience.
A matron from their household arrived, supposedly to pay her respects to Mother. In fact, she brought lavish gifts and an argument.
“Our first madam died so young. The old madam has never stopped blaming herself. She feels she failed your family by not taking better care of her daughter-in-law, and now she can only shower the children with twice as much affection.
“The marquis loved his wife deeply, too. He hasn’t remarried in a year. But this is a great household with endless domestic affairs. It cannot go on without a mistress to lead the family.”
The matron paused, sighed, and lowered her voice.
“And who can say whether a new wife would truly love Jin and Yu? She might be all kindness on the surface and torment them in secret. How could you rest easy then?
“Forgive an old servant for speaking out of turn. Your second daughter was born to a concubine, yet you’ve taken the trouble to raise her all these years. Such a kind heart. They say that when a mother dies, her sister is the next best thing. Why not make the girl his second wife?
“Our old madam says she’ll double the betrothal gifts. You needn’t even think about a dowry—the marquis’s household will provide everything. You save a dowry, and your grandchildren have someone to raise them. A marriage with everything to gain and nothing to lose!”
The room fell silent.
The weight inside me settled into place. I waited for the inevitable.
Even the fingers of one hand were not equal. I was not Mother’s own child, after all, though she had raised me in her rooms and given me the same food, clothing, and allowance as my elder sister.
She had always been distant with me. We were never close.
Her outburst at the funeral had come from grief for her daughter. My becoming the second wife was the best solution for both families.
Then porcelain shattered inside the room, followed by Mother’s furious, ragged cry.
“You’ve killed one of my girls, and now you want the other? Go fuck yourself!”
She was about to curse again when I pushed open the doors to the main room.
“I’ll marry him.”
Mother forced the matron out with a face like stone. Then she came back and pointed at my nose, shaking with rage.
“A girl going out of her way to beg for a husband! Have you no shame—”
She lifted her hand to strike me. It hung in the air, then fell helplessly to her side.
“What do you know about marriage? All you can think of is your sister! Do you know what those people are like? A mother-in-law who plays favorites, a sister-in-law who makes trouble. Your sister was everything a woman ought to be, and look what happened to her. What chance would you have? Jin and Yu are their own flesh and blood. They may not treat them badly. Child, the dead are gone. The living have to move on!”
I knelt, still a little dazed, and smiled.
“I’m not doing it for my sister. I’m doing it for myself. What does a woman consider when she chooses a husband? Money and status, his character, and the family she’s marrying into.
“With Father’s position, the best I could hope for is an ordinary official’s family. The husband I get might have no ambition at all. Nothing to compare with the wealth and distinction of a marquis’s household.”
“The marquis has a few bedmaids, but no favored concubine. He can still be called an upright gentleman.
“As for his family… You’ve seen how eager they are, Mother. They already feel guilty about my sister. They’ll treat me all the better when I marry in.”
“And with Yu and Jin already there, they won’t even demand children from me.
“I’m inferior to my sister in every way but one: there are things I understand better. Some people want love. Some want power.
“Why stand in the way of such a good match for me, Mother?”
She pointed at me for a long time without finding a word.
As I rose to leave, she spoke suddenly, her voice catching.
“I’m sorry. You should have had a choice.”
She did not know this was my choice.
I remembered the first time I met my sister. It was winter.
I had climbed onto my birth mother’s bed and found her terribly cold.
Her maid began to scream. Everything dissolved into chaos. I was left huddled alone in a corner, feeling the whole world spin around me.
My sister took me gently by the hand and led me to the tall, imposing main house.
“There, don’t be afraid. I’m here.”
The last time I saw her, it was winter too.
Her maid and I dressed her, arranged her hair, and laid her in a small, low wooden coffin. I told her:
“There, don’t be afraid. I’m here.”