chapter 2

Chapter 2

Everyone knew Shen Zhaoye was my favorite.

I favored him so much that I respected his wishes and never touched him.

It was not for lack of desire.

Once, emboldened by wine, I tugged at his lapel.

He said coolly, “My lady, I don’t care for coercion.”

Just look at the men I kept. Which of them would have dared say such a thing to me?

But the more he resisted, the more different he seemed from everyone else.

I released him and slowly straightened his collar.

“Very well. I won’t force you.”

I did not yet understand that the moment you start making exceptions for someone, you have already taken the first step toward defeat.

The residence was bustling on my birthday.

The refined scholar presented a portrait of a beauty painted by his own hand. The cold-faced general brought a snow fox pelt. The gentle musician offered a newly made seven-stringed zither, claiming its music suited me best.

Even the young actor who had just joined my household blushed as he sang me a scandalously suggestive song.

Gold, jade, silk, and jewels filled the room.

Once, I had loved nothing more.

Now I sat upon the couch watching each man vie for my favor, and felt as though something were missing.

Shen Zhaoye had not come.

“Where is he?” I asked my maid.

“Young Master Shen has remained in his room all day,” she said carefully.

I sneered. “What airs he puts on.”

Then, despite myself, I glanced at the door.

Only deep into the night, after the courtyard lanterns had gone dark one by one, did I find him beneath the crabapple tree.

Moonlight covered him like frost.

I had been nursing my anger all day, and the sight of him only sharpened my tone.

“Why are you here?”

Without speaking, he approached and opened his palm.

A tiny wooden figurine lay upon it.

It was a very ugly girl: a huge head, a tiny body, and one eyebrow carved crooked.

I stared at it. “You made this?”

“Mm.”

“For me?”

“Mm.”

I took it.

It was hideous, yet sweetness flooded my mouth as though I had bitten into candied fruit.

“Thank you. I love it. Though it doesn’t look much like me.”

Shen Zhaoye raised his eyes.

I expected some pretty compliment. Instead, after studying me in silence, he suddenly said, “I don’t like them.”

I froze. “Who?”

“Them.”

I understood. As if bewitched, I answered, “Fine.”

“If you don’t like them, I’ll send them away.”

The next morning, I dismissed every man in my courtyard. They wept until their eyes were red, but I did not relent.

When Mother heard, she came especially to enjoy the spectacle.

“Oh? You’ve thrown out a whole courtyard of supplements?”

I shifted uncomfortably. “They were noisy.”

Mother arched a brow. “Were they noisy, or did someone find them noisy?”

I said nothing. Her smile deepened.

“I taught you that men were supplements. It seems you’ve chosen a single medicine and swallowed it straight into your heart.”

“You’re imagining things,” I insisted.

“Whether I’m imagining them hardly matters,” Mother said with a knowing smile. “What matters is that you don’t forget: no matter how pleasing the medicine, you are the one holding the bowl.”