Chapter 5
No one was happier about Xiaochun’s pregnancy than I was. Every day I hurried between the imperial kitchens and the Imperial Medical Bureau, carrying tonics and pregnancy-stabilizing medicine to Hanyue Palace.
Xiaochun’s thin body grew plump again from all the food. She also became much quieter, almost as if she had turned into someone like the Empress.
She said she had once been too naive. She had always wanted the Emperor’s favor for herself alone, but the tighter she clung to it, the faster she lost it.
“It is like sand in your palm. The harder you squeeze, the faster it slips away.” A loneliness and sorrow I had never seen before filled her eyes.
Xiaochun said she had mistaken a man’s passing infatuation for love and entrusted him with both body and soul. She had loved him deeply and feverishly, but he had given her only distance and coldness in return.
“A sovereign’s true love is his realm and his dynasty. I was such a fool.”
She called herself foolish, yet she would not let go.
She wished she could become as detached and coolhearted as the Empress, but she could not. She was too stubborn. She wanted that man to love her and no one else.
Her stubborn love slowly curdled into jealousy. She envied Zhaoyi Wang, who now enjoyed the height of imperial favor, and even cursed her behind her back.
I hated the Emperor. He was the one who had changed Xiaochun into this.
Eunuch Hong warned that great joy often ended in sorrow and told me to restrain myself. I paid him no heed and continued visiting Hanyue Palace whenever I could.
One day, I cheerfully carried over a bowl of bird’s-nest porridge that Eunuch Hong had prepared.
The moment I stepped into the courtyard, I saw a crowd of servants stationed outside the bedchamber. Such a display could only mean that the Emperor was there.
Xiaochun had been pregnant for over three months, yet this was the first time he had visited. He truly was a heartless man.
After a eunuch announced me, I was allowed inside.
Xiaochun brightened at the sight of me. She summoned me to her side and asked why I had come so late.
“Eunuch Hong sent me to deliver a menu first. The journey there and back delayed me.”
I kept my head properly bowed the whole time and dared not raise it.
The Empress had told me that if I did not want to catch the Emperor’s eye, I must act slow-witted and well behaved. Women like Xiaochun were the sort he loved best.
Xiaochun found my manner amusing and began teasing me. She said I usually capered about like a wild horse, so why was I so proper today?
“Raise your head.”
It was not Xiaochun who spoke, but the Emperor.
I was afraid. Then I thought: I was only a fire-tending maid, plain in looks, dull and foolish besides. Surely the Emperor’s taste could not be that poor.
Just as I expected, when I raised my head, he merely glanced at me without any unusual reaction.
Relieved, I waited until Xiaochun finished the porridge, then hurried away.
Eunuch Hong had been right. I needed to restrain myself and stop visiting Hanyue Palace.
When Xiaochun sent servants to fetch me, Eunuch Hong saw my difficulty. He deliberately piled work on me and even struck me with the fire poker. The servants from Hanyue Palace decided he was ill-tempered, and they never came again.