Chapter 2

Everyone had always known that Shen Yanbai and I were close.

I needed no announcement to enter the Shen residence. I had gone so often that I no longer needed a servant to guide me; I knew the way to Shen Yanbai’s courtyard by heart.

With my jade token in hand, Shen Yanbai could enter the palace without requesting permission.

No one would have stopped him from walking into Xingyun Hall, but now he stubbornly stood in the wind and waited for me to return.

He covered his lips and coughed lightly, his face turning paler still. “Did you see me painting Miss Luo? Don’t misunderstand. She came to the capital in search of her family. I painted her portrait only to make it easier to find her parents.”

He held out the hairpin. “Brooding is bad for your health. You can tell me anything. Don’t bottle up your anger.”

I did not take it. Something shifted in Shen Yanbai’s eyes, and he sighed. “Fine. I was wrong. I shouldn’t have painted another woman, and you have every right to be angry. You’ve worn this hairpin for four years, but it is only an old trinket. If you no longer want it, so be it. I’ll send you a new one.”

He tossed it casually into the flower bed.

Afterward, he began coughing. Tears sprang into his eyes, and he raised a hand to wipe them away.

Usually, the moment I saw him, I would hurry over and usher him out of the wind.

Today, I did not feel like doing so. Something struck me as odd.

“A few days ago, you were too sick to enter the palace. How are you able to come today?”

Shen Yanbai looked helpless. “Because I was afraid you would misunderstand and grow angry. Your temper is so fierce that every moment I delayed explaining would be another moment you spent upset. Even if I couldn’t get out of bed, I would have had someone carry me here to explain.”

I laughed. This was how he had delighted me for six years.

Seeing my smile, his expression relaxed. “Now that you’re no longer angry, I’ll paint you another day.”

I shook my head. “The portrait can wait. I just came back from the imperial study. Can you guess what I discussed with Imperial Father?”

Shen Yanbai’s expression changed almost imperceptibly. If I had not imagined it, resistance flashed through his eyes.

He gathered his cloak around himself and lowered his gaze. “What was it?”

“My marriage.”

He pressed his lips together and still did not look up at me.

I had loved him so dearly and studied every expression on his face countless times. How could I fail to see that he did not want to answer and meant to evade the subject?

He did not want to marry me, but neither did he want me to give up on him.

“Ci’an…”

At last, he spoke. “It isn’t that I can’t make up my mind. After falling ill again, this body of mine… I cannot burden you. You deserve a better choice.”

I sighed and nodded. “There you go, worrying about your health again.”

Shen Yanbai had used the same excuse when I came of age, delaying my marriage year after year.

I used to believe that he truly feared burdening me. But if that was the case, why had he allowed my feelings for him to grow unchecked?

He smiled bitterly but said nothing.

I said, “You’re right. I can’t let you keep worrying about my marriage. To put your mind at ease, I should choose someone else.”

The curve of his lips froze. He raised his head and stared at me in shock.

I signaled to a palace maid. “Since I have decided to make a clean break, Young Master Shen, please return my jade token.”