chapter 4

chapter 4

When the next month came, I was diagnosed as pregnant.

I looked at my belly. It remained perfectly flat, giving no sign that a life grew within.

Dicui sprang into action, helping me onto the bed, propping up my waist, ordering the young maids to extinguish every incense burner in the hall and prepare medicine to stabilize the pregnancy.

I smiled bitterly and said I was not so delicate; she need not be nervous.

Dicui carefully tucked in my blankets and regarded my belly like a dragon encircling its treasure. She solemnly promised she would give her life to ensure the little imperial grandchild was safely born.

I choked, not doubting her sincerity for an instant. When the Crown Princess came to visit, Dicui truly stood ready for battle, never moving an inch from my bedside. Her tension infected even me.

Only then did I realize I had remained an outsider all along.

The Crown Princess brought an endless stream of gifts and tonics. I examined each one, wondering whether the bracelet concealed musk, whether the cake contained safflower, whether some secret drug lurked beneath her long nail guards—or whether she would choose the safest method and overfeed me until the baby grew too large for me to deliver.

Too many schemes from stories flashed dizzily through my mind. For one instant, I felt a sudden confidence that I would certainly triumph in this imaginary war.

The Crown Princess took my hand, tears in her eyes. She said her little sister was truly fortunate to bring joyful news so soon after entering the Eastern Palace, and must care for herself and safely bear the Crown Prince his first imperial grandchild.

I struggled to rise and salute, saying I had never dreamed of the honor of bearing imperial blood. Wiping her tears, she firmly held me down.

Were her tears truly born of excitement? Why had I, the actual mother, still not felt such emotion?

I tried to analyze her expression, but she was no longer as easy to understand. It seemed even she did not know what she ought to think or how she ought to behave.

The Crown Princess lowered her handkerchief and smiled. On such a joyous day, she said, why had she brought tears with her? She hoped her little sister would not find her noisy.

At a loss for words, I gently squeezed her hand.

Gifts from the Empress arrived one after another just as the Crown Princess prepared to leave.

Once Dicui put everything away, she told me mysteriously that the Crown Princess had been very displeased by those gifts; she had squeezed her handkerchief until her fingers turned white.

“Her Majesty is giving you face. The Crown Princess has been married three years and still hasn’t…”

I stopped listening.

If someone even watched whether the Crown Princess clenched her fingers, was someone watching me too? Did my smile look natural? Was it haughty or mocking? Did my gratitude seem real, or could they see at a glance that it was perfunctory?

I guessed at her thoughts. How did she guess at mine?

Fully dressed beneath a brocade quilt, I suddenly felt naked. Dicui noticed at once. “What is wrong, Talented Lady?”

I shivered. Dicui tucked the blankets tighter and ordered a young maid,

“The Talented Lady is cold. Bring another hand warmer, and have two people inspect the window gauze for drafts.”

Jiang Shen did not return from the imperial hunt outside the capital until evening.

He hurried over and glanced at me from a distance, then rushed away to bathe. By the time he finally sat beside my bed, night had completely fallen.

As usual, the attendants waited outside. We were alone.

“I’ve been hunting,” he said hoarsely. “I smelled unpleasant.”

Pregnancy must have sharpened my nose, for I could still detect a faint trace of blood in the air.

Jiang Shen crouched and reached toward my belly, yet did not quite dare touch it.

“Touch it if you want,” I said. “It is your child, after all.”

Only then did he place his hand upon me.

I found him amusing. “There can’t be any movement yet. It takes at least ten weeks.”

Realizing this, he smiled sheepishly.

For one instant, we seemed the most ordinary pair of new parents in the world, nervous and hopeful as we awaited our child’s birth.

I could no longer name what I felt for Jiang Shen, but his presence made me feel more normal than anyone else who had visited today.

“Would you like your family to come see you?” he asked.

I was startled and delighted. “Can they?”

“Yes. If I say they can, they can.”

Jiang Shen looked at me intently. The weight of his gaze suddenly made me timid. I remembered the Crown Princess and her rumored white-knuckled grip.

“Perhaps when I am further along? Bringing them in now would attract too much attention.”

The instant ended.

Jiang Shen frowned. “You needn’t fear her. I will say you must rest. You need not see her again throughout the pregnancy, and she needn’t visit. This is our child. What does it have to do with her?”

Perhaps his words should have relieved me, but it had everything to do with her. Her mother-in-law would seize the chance to admonish her; her own mother would worry and advise her; everyone in the palace now stared at her belly.

“Jiang Shen,” I said softly, “she is your wife. My child must call her Mother.”

He froze.

Perhaps only then did he understand what it truly meant for me to be a concubine, regardless of whether I loved him.

Our relationship had changed forever. His hand trembled on the corner of my quilt. Slowly, he said, “I’m sorry.”

I did not answer.

“Was the hunting good today?”

“Yes,” he said quickly. “On the western hills. Father, Second Brother, and Third Brother all went.”

Dicui had told me Second Prince was Consort Xian’s son and fond of martial pursuits.

Consort Xian hoped he might compete for the throne, but unfortunately he was simple-minded and not greatly favored by his imperial father.

“Second Brother is more skilled. He killed two boars, and Father rewarded him.”

“How many did you kill?”

I asked idle questions while Jiang Shen told me how he learned riding and archery; how, on his first hunt, he had not even dared shoot a rabbit and thoroughly embarrassed himself before the emperor; how the Empress scolded him, then covered it up by claiming he was praying for his maternal grandfather. Fortunately, he had been young.

This was good. Best to discuss things utterly unrelated to my surroundings.

“…Mother summoned all my younger cousins and made them watch me shoot rabbits. My hands shook at first, but I got used to it.”

I looked at him and suddenly sensed something unspoken. “Jiang Shen, have you killed people?”

His body went rigid. After a long time, he said, “Lu Yi, I don’t want to lie to you.”

I bent toward him. He leaned against my bedside, candlelight falling past me onto a face woven of light and shadow.

“You said you treated everyone else as NPCs… Jiang Shen, did you have to think that way?”

Did he have to think that way to ease the discomfort of doing certain things to other human beings? Had circumstances forced him too?

He nodded almost gratefully, tears shining in his eyes.

The Crown Prince of an empire had fought in wars and presided over prisons. Too many people served his will and ran at his command.

Jiang Shen had changed forever during the five years I had missed, through every minute and second of the life he had truly lived.

Yet now he looked up at me as though confessing. It seemed the soul that came from another world still flickered inside him, constantly awaiting true judgment amid this immense performance.

“This world is crueler than either of us imagined, isn’t it?” I said.

“I’m sorry I trapped you here,” Jiang Shen said. “But you are safe here. I will keep you safe.”

I shook my head and touched my belly. “We actually dared bring a new life into this place.”

Jiang Shen went deathly pale. In that instant, all joy was finally washed from the so-called happy news of my pregnancy.

Many things could not bear close examination. Had we never reunited, neither of us would ever have examined them.

Perhaps Jiang Shen would have fathered children with his ancient noblewomen, while I married some unknown man and bore several children. We would both have raised thoroughly ancient children because we understood that was how they could best survive.

But now? I existed within Jiang Shen’s gaze, and he within mine. We would forever be watched by the values of our original world.

“I won’t ask again how you killed people… or about the other things,” I told him. “If one day you realize I have changed, don’t point it out. Don’t blame me. All right?”

“All right,” Jiang Shen said.

We gazed silently at one another. The night lay still as water, and three kinds of heartbeat sounded in the room.