Chapter 1
I was halfway through packing when the emperor pushed open my door, my latest-model fruit-logo phone still clutched in his hand.
“My empress knows me so well! What a delightful little thing you’ve given me!”
“Tell me, what reward would you like?”
My heart leaped. I hurried to my knees.
“Your Majesty, I keep hearing how beautifully the lotuses are blooming in Jiangnan. I would like to take this opportunity to see them.”
The emperor waved a hand.
“Granted.”
“I’ll arrange a pleasure boat tonight. You can leave first thing tomorrow.”
I bowed low in thanks. Once he had gone, my maid Cuilan happily helped me up.
“Wonderful, Your Majesty! I told you His Majesty still cared about you!”
But my heart was sinking fast.
“We can’t get on that boat.”
“We leave tonight, or we’ll be dead tomorrow.”
Three years in this world had taught me exactly what Qin Zhi was like.
Quite a few women had crossed over in those years. He imprisoned them all in his harem, then threatened and bribed them into sharing modern technology.
Each useful piece of information bought them another day. Once they had nothing left, he executed them.
He knew he was stupid, hardly a wise ruler. Ruthlessness was how he intended to get ahead.
Within six months of my arrival, he had wrung every home remedy I knew out of me. He was about to kill me when I produced the phone that had come with me.
I’d won it as a reward for completing a mission. It could connect to the internet in any era.
Qin Zhi didn’t know how to use it, so he had to keep me alive.
I started him on the simplest thing: Fight the Landlord, the card game. By now, he could navigate risqué livestreams with ease. Recently, he’d even learned to film a day-in-the-life-of-an-emperor vlog.
He had no further use for me.
That night, I found a guard willing to die in my place to board the boat, then left the palace with Cuilan.
Having lived through the pandemic, I knew how dangerous crowds could be.
So I hid deep in the mountains outside the city that very night.
I’d built a cabin there long ago and stocked it with plenty of modern supplies.
Early the next morning, Cuilan rushed inside in a panic.
“Your Majesty! I just heard at the foot of the mountain—the pleasure boat we were supposed to be on exploded!”
I was sunning myself in a recliner. Without even lifting my head, I reached for the binoculars beside me.
The palace was perfectly visible from here. I had no intention of missing the show that was about to begin.
In the distance, Qin Zhi was escorting his new arrival back to the palace.
Her face was a monument to cosmetic surgery: a nose sharp enough to pierce her chin, outer eye corners stretched almost to her temples. Her bare thighs and arms were covered in bruises. Clearly, she’d just had full-body liposuction.
That many procedures… She must have spent so long on the operating table she’d warmed it into a heated bed.
I lowered the binoculars and took out a spare phone.
It was identical to the one Qin Zhi had. Even the browsing history on the accounts matched.
I opened WeDon’tChat and skimmed their messages.
They were filthy.
Qin Zhi wrote everything in classical Chinese. She mostly sent voice messages. I tapped a few at random.
Fifty seconds of every sixty-second message were heavy breathing. Cuilan came running with a spatula, terrified I was so constipated I was suffocating.
I quickly closed the chat and opened the woman’s social feed.
Username: [AAA Will Fly Nationwide: Tian marry]
Her first post was tagged in the United States.
[Thanks to Daddy for the boob job! Anyone nearby is in for a treat. Same rules as always—Black guys get in free~]
The second was tagged in India.
[Doing charity with my new hubby! Come drink Ganges water with us. Clean and hygienic!]
Before I could scroll down, a fresh post appeared.
[Hey, fam! Fully booked for now. I’ve traveled back in time to be empress! Taking bookings from you ancient babes too, but if the emperor catches you and wipes out all nine branches of your family, don’t blame me~]
Attached was an intimate photo of her and Qin Zhi.
It was a Live Photo. Qin Zhi was kissing her freshly tattooed, semipermanent eyebrows—and had accidentally recorded his own bewildered voice.
“Baby, why is my mouth numb?”
Cuilan and I doubled over laughing.
That night, the lights in the imperial hall burned until dawn.
But there was no protection in this era. By noon the next day, a crowd of imperial physicians had gathered outside its doors.
Cuilan was frightened. She tugged at my sleeve.
“Your Majesty, is the emperor going to die?”
In my sunglasses, I gave a leisurely wave.
“Oh, warts. He’ll be syph and sound.”