Chapter 5

Chapter 5

A few days ago, I found a chance to quietly return the kneepads to Zhao Yunyan without alerting anyone.

He set down the book in his hand and asked, in a roundabout way, about consummating the marriage.

My face flushed, and I put him off by saying my monthly courses had come.

They had not. I only knew that Xu Wanyi had hers these past few days, and Nanny Shun had specifically warned me that during the first three months of pregnancy, the fetus was unstable. To be safe, there could be no bedroom matters.

Zhao Yunyan had gone hungry for half a month.

I had no desire to become the substitute he settled for when hunger made him reckless.

That night, in the middle of the night, Yanxia Pavilion suddenly grew noisy.

Only then did I learn that Xu Wanyi had not had her monthly courses. She was ill, and had been ill for a long time.

Perhaps the endless exchanges and obligations between households at year’s end had worn Xu Wanyi down.

She was a daughter raised in a scholarly family, from a quiet, sheltered household. She had never learned the ways of receiving guests and managing social obligations, yet she still had to force herself to oversee the household. These past few years had been truly exhausting for her.

Even the physician was puzzled. He said the bleeding had clearly stopped before, so why had it started again?

Xu Wanyi lowered her head and said nothing. Zhao Yunyan stood beside her in silence, refusing to answer.

But I could guess that if Zhao Yunyan wanted to stay the night at Yanxia Pavilion, Xu Wanyi would not push him away.

Her temperament was the most yielding of all. Even if she had to endure discomfort, she would still let Zhao Yunyan enjoy himself.

“You young people don’t understand how serious this is. If the bleeding continues without stopping, it will be very difficult for her to conceive in the future.”

A single sentence from the physician made Xu Wanyi’s face turn white.

The next day, Xu Wanyi’s two maids, Yurong and Yutang, remained in Zhao Yunyan’s room.

After six or seven days of quiet rest, Xu Wanyi’s health finally improved a great deal. There was color in her face again.

On my side, for reasons unknown, Zhao Yunyan came to my room of his own accord.

When he arrived, I was leaning by the window reading. Seeing him come in, I brewed him a cup of jasmine silver needle tea.

All of a sudden, he began speaking of lyric poetry.

“What does Zhen’er think of Elder Wen’s lyrics?”

“Melancholy, ornate, and decadent, yet still among the finest of the Flower School,” I said after thinking for a moment. “But some people say that Li and Wen, as men, lost a measure of dignity by writing such boudoir verses. They always feel that men ought to write bold, heroic poetry.”

“Boudoir air” had once been the emperor’s assessment of Zhao Yunyan’s poetry.

Those words struck precisely at Zhao Yunyan’s sore spot. He froze for a moment.

“…Do you think so too?”

I shook my head.

“If one sees only the boudoir verse, then one has seen a single leaf and missed Mount Tai. It is like Qu Yuan’s fondness for comparing himself to beauties and fragrant grasses. Does that mean Qu Yuan knew only beauties, and was not a loyal minister? Does that mean he was unworthy of being called a man of upright counsel?

“People say literature carries the Way. That shows the boudoir is merely the form of the writing. Behind the gorgeous brushwork of the inner chamber lies another warning to the world, like a Precious Mirror of Wind and Moon. One cannot look only at the romance reflected on its surface.”

Zhao Yunyan stared at me in a daze and did not speak for a long time.

The jasmine-scented mist above the table lingered without dispersing. The tea in his hand had already gone cold.

Outside, the weight of the snow snapped a withered branch. Only then did he seem to wake from a dream.

His voice was hoarse, and he made no attempt to hide either his delight or his shame as he covered my hand with his.

“These past few days, I, Yunyan, have truly misjudged you. So Zhen’er was my kindred spirit all along.”

My face reddened. I pulled my hand away and turned aside.

“I only spoke a few shallow thoughts from the boudoir. How does that make me your kindred spirit?”

Seeing me blush, he only smiled.

At the sight of his satisfaction, I pressed my lips together and smiled as well.

“Sister Wanyi is also from a scholarly family. Why does Erlang not discuss poetry with Sister Wanyi?”

“She does like to recite the poems I write, but she does not like Li and Wen’s lyrics, nor can she discuss many principles with me.” He sighed. “She respects me and loves me. She may be a lovely concubine, but she cannot be my kindred spirit.”

After saying this with evident satisfaction, he studied my expression, wanting to find a trace of jealousy on my face.

“Why bring her up all of a sudden?”

That was a man for you, I sighed inwardly.

Even when speaking of literature and philosophy with a female kindred spirit, his eyes were still fixed on the affairs beneath a woman’s skirts.

I gave a soft huff.

“You… just pretend I never asked.

“Am I not allowed to be a little jealous over my kindred spirit now that I am married?”

At my words, Zhao Yunyan felt a flicker of forbidden interest. He laughed softly and said, “That husband of yours cannot speak with you about so much, can he?

“What a pity. My kindred spirit is already married. Otherwise, I, Zhao, would certainly have to steal a kiss from such beauty.”

I pushed him lightly, my face already flushed crimson.

“How could he possibly compare to Erlang?”

Seeing me blush, Zhao Yunyan could not help leaning closer for a better look.

I hurriedly pushed him away.

“The day after tomorrow, I must return to my parents’ home with my husband. I do not even know whether he remembers.”

“Of course he remembers!”

“You are not my husband. How would you know?”

My question left Zhao Yunyan speechless. Suddenly, he pinched my cheek.

“If I say he remembers, then he remembers.”

The fragrance of jasmine filled the room, mingling with the crisp chill of fresh snow. Inside, the atmosphere was ambiguous and subtle.

Everyone in the Zhao Family was good-looking, and Zhao Yunyan was no exception.

Zhao Yunyan’s features could be called stunning. When he looked at you, his eyes seemed full of deep feeling.

Some people’s eyes were like clear lake water. Some people’s eyes were like whirlpools that pulled others down.

Zhao Yunyan could be both the lake water and the deep lake beneath it, quiet, mysterious, and dangerous.

He leaned close to my ear and spoke each word distinctly, an old hand at love saying the simplest words of affection.

“How did I never notice before that my wife was so beautiful?”

It was too ambiguous, too intimate, too familiar. It was exactly like the harmonious marriage I had once longed for, as if a single sentence had carried me from the lifting of the bridal veil all the way to growing old together.