Chapter 5

Chapter 5

I was not repudiated.

I took my dowry, the betrothal gifts the Song Family had given me, and the private assets I had earned over the years, and I obtained a mutual divorce from the newly titled Grand General King, Song Yaochuan.

Two years ago, before his accident, he had been madly in love with his beloved concubine, Yuanyuan, and wanted to marry her as his wife.

He wrote me a letter of repudiation.

It was a template drafted by a military clerk. He merely copied it out once, without putting any thought into it.

After he finished writing it, he handed it to his subordinates to send back. Then something happened on his end.

He did not remember the trivial details from before and after the accident. Nor did he think there was anything wrong with repudiating a wife he had never even met.

He had never considered my difficulties.

But now, he liked me very much. At least, that was what he said.

He said I was the one who made him forget Yuanyuan. I was the one who helped him stand again.

I believed him.

Affection was nothing more than a spring surging in the mind. It could well up at any moment.

During the two years we spent together, I believed I had treated him kindly in every way. It was only natural that he developed feelings for me.

However, I did not need them.

At first, he refused to agree to the divorce.

My mother-in-law slapped him and demanded, “She spent six years as a living widow. Where were you, living your carefree life of pleasure?”

He had no answer. He only said, “I will treat her well from now on.”

My mother-in-law said, “Do you know she is afraid of insects, including fireflies?”

He could not speak.

My mother-in-law asked him again, “Because you love her, you want to shackle her. When you loved that concubine of yours, did you do the same?”

He remained silent.

On the day I moved out, he stood at the gate to see me off, looking at me with timid eyes.

I smiled at him.

Toward him, I had always held respect in my heart. Not merely because he was capable.

I moved into a spacious, quiet lane. This was the home I had been preparing for a long time.

My father-in-law cried so hard he could barely catch his breath, saying the Song Family had wronged me.

When I held my housewarming meal, all my younger brothers-in-law and sisters-in-law came. They no longer called me sister-in-law. They called me elder sister.

The newly titled Grand General King was very busy. He was now serving at the Ministry of War, and powerful, noble families all sent invitations, hoping to visit him.

He refused them all.

For ten days straight, he lingered outside my lane.

I invited him in and entertained him with fine tea.

He had lost a great deal of weight. His face was weary, and when he looked at me, his eyes were still so sorrowful.

“Congratulations, Grand General King.”

“I am not happy. My heart is shattered. Cheng’er, how can I make it up to you?” he asked.

His voice was so heavy with grief it could almost bring one to tears.

I felt a little sad too.

I did not wish to hurt anyone.

“If you knew you would abandon me today, why did you save me back then? When I became crippled, why did you not simply leave me?” Every word from him was steeped in pain.

I said, “I’m sorry.”

“I simply do not understand. You treated me with such sincerity, so why leave me when I am at the height of glory?” he said.

I gave him an answer.

“Ten years ago, outside Linya County, Congzhou, you saved the lives of my mother, my younger brother, and me.”

He froze slightly.

“My grandfather had passed away, and we returned to our ancestral home to bury him and observe mourning. During the three-year mourning period, my father relied on his status as an imperial relative to amass countless riches. Whether they were local officials, gentry, or wealthy merchants, all of them paid tribute to him.”

“When we were returning to the capital, we encountered vicious bandits outside Linya County. They killed not only the fifty guards of our household, but also the armed escorts my father had hired.”

“Seeing that the bandits were about to succeed, my father, in order to escape with his own life, cut the reins of the carriage and pushed the carriage carrying the three of us-my mother, my brother, and me-along with the money, into a ditch. Then he rode off on horseback by himself.”

“At the time, the bandits captured us. They coveted my mother’s beauty, and I was already twelve then. You were passing by on your way back to the capital with your men. You killed all the bandits, recovered the money, and saved us.”

I spoke very slowly.

That memory was far too cruel.

Song Yaochuan remembered it too.

“Yes. I did kill a gang of vicious bandits back then. But…”

But he had forgotten whom he saved.

A general who had made his name young, riding high on success, had his mind filled only with earning military merit and building his career. At the time, he had been in a hurry to return to the capital to report on his duties, then go back to the border city.

“You saved me, my mother, and my younger brother. When our marriage was discussed, I willingly married you. You clearly could have waited one day before leaving for the campaign, but you fled to avoid the marriage, and I still willingly kept watch in the Song Family for six years. When you returned injured and the Song Family fell into hardship, that was precisely when you needed me, and I was even more willing to support you,” I said.

He stared at me, stunned.

“Back then, my mother-in-law claimed that the money my father had with him had been taken by the bandits. In truth, she converted it all into banknotes and gave it to me as the Song Family’s betrothal gifts,” I added.

He froze again.

“With that sum of money, my mother-in-law, Second Brother, and I have been doing business all these years, and we earned a great deal. During those previous six years, I was not merely living as a widow. I was also making money,” I told him.

No one had ever told him any of this. Not my mother-in-law, not his second brother with his well-stocked private coffers.

“I spent eight years repaying the debt of you saving my life back then. General, this was not personal affection. This was loyalty.” I smiled.

Then I added, “I suppose you don’t think women can have loyalty too?”

For a moment, he had no answer.

I continued, “To this day, I still respect you. You are a great general who stands tall beneath heaven and earth. You have talent, and you have ambition. But I have no intention of being the faceless mistress standing behind you.”

“How could you be faceless?”

“Because you have never truly seen me. The real me. In your eyes, you saw a version of me that was useful.” I said.

He did not argue again.

So I asked him, “If you love me, General, then how do you intend to love me? By forcing me?”

He looked at me deeply.

Tears welled in his eyes.

“In this life, I fear I will never marry again,” he said.

I smiled.

At that moment, I believed he meant it sincerely. But I also knew that hearts could change.

Back then, he had loved Yuanyuan so much, yet later he came to like me as well. Now he thought Su Cheng was perfect in every way, but after some time, there might be a Li Cheng or a Wang Cheng who was just as charming.

I would always remember the sight of my father walking away when he abandoned my mother, my little brother, and me.

And I would always remember, before the wedding, when Song Yaochuan glanced away during our meeting with that look of disdain.

From a very young age, I understood one thing: I loved myself.

I wanted loyalty and righteousness, and I wanted to leave no regrets. But I would not compromise, and I would never be moved by affection that came too late.

Song Yaochuan never came again.

After our divorce, not only was I not looked down on, my worth rose higher and higher. Matchmakers nearly wore down my threshold. Even the most powerful noble families of the dynasty sent people to propose marriage.

Apparently, someone outside had spread the word that I was both wise and blessed, and that the Song Family had prospered by my hand alone.

Perhaps it was my former mother-in-law who had put the word out.

Women always understand the situation other women are in, and they know what other women need.

I did not reject the matchmakers outright.

I did not hate this world. Quite the opposite. I liked flowers and grass. I liked the proud rising sun and the setting glow at dusk.

I only disliked insects.

I was willing to try. Remarrying, bearing and raising children-I was willing to do all of it.

The Empress Dowager often summoned me to the palace.

In the Empress Dowager’s palace, I saw Song Yaochuan. He would gaze at me in deep silence. I also saw the Crown Prince, who smiled every time.

“Cheng’er doesn’t like spicy food,” the Crown Prince would say.

“Cheng’er’s hair is coming loose.”

“Why has Cheng’er gotten thinner? Your brows are drawn too fine today. It doesn’t suit you.”

He always noticed the details about me. He liked the specific, real me.

In the third year after my divorce, I became the Crown Prince’s second wife in the Eastern Palace.

“I waited for you to come of age so I could ask Father Emperor for your hand. But you became engaged before that. I waited more than ten years.” At night, when the Crown Prince held me, he would act spoiled.

Outwardly, he was gentle. Inwardly, he was cunning.

He was my older cousin. When I was young, the man outside my immediate family whom I saw most often was him. I knew he liked me. I knew it even as a child.

It was not as if I were stupid. I could tell whether a man loved me or not.

But at the time, I did not want to marry the Crown Prince.

Men of the imperial family might be like my father. At the critical moment, they might abandon me and flee on their own.

I wanted to marry the young general. He would never betray his wife and children.

That was what I thought when I was a teenager.

But by the time I was in my twenties, I was no longer afraid.

In a carriage, there was a seat for the Crown Prince, and there was one for me. If he could escape, then so could I.

Age and experience had given me confidence.

I was no longer afraid.

The Crown Prince still loved me, so I married him.

Grand General King Song Yaochuan remained as handsome as ever, imposing and extraordinary. There were still many families who wished to form a marriage alliance with him.

He never married.

When I gave birth to my fourth child, I was the noble Empress, rejoicing over the birth of the dynasty’s first little princess. By then, it had already been ten years since Song Yaochuan and I divorced.

He died.

He died in Ruzhu Hall in Wanjing Hutong.

I heard that on that day, all of Ruzhu Hall was filled with fireflies. And he took his own life, ending his prime years by his own hand.

All these years, he had been fighting wars everywhere, and he had never known defeat. He pacified the borderlands and assisted the Emperor in creating an age of peace and prosperity.

For the next twenty years, it was predicted there would be no wars to fight. He could no longer hold himself up.

He said he had loved me his entire life. But he never told me his entire life would be so short.

When I heard the news of his death, a line of hot tears slid down my face, and my heart went numb.

I will always remember that young general on the official road, the one who had slain the vicious bandits, with a few drops of blood staining his cheek.

He had once been my courage to keep living.

(The End)