Chapter 4

Chapter 4

I did not know whether the Forget-Sorrow Gu would let Pei Yan and me start over.

I had no choice.

My parents and my husband were all hoping I would cure Song Zhiwei of her poison.

The next day, Chenlu Palace was livelier than it had ever been.

My father, the prime minister. My mother, a titled lady. My husband, the Emperor. My elder sister, the Empress.

All gathered together in one hall.

Four people, four pairs of eyes, all smiling as they stared at me.

Stared as that cup of tea, the one holding the gu insect, was brought before me.

I looked at the black, spider-like bug at the bottom of the cup and dug my nails into my palm.

I was afraid of bugs.

Back at the estate, a vicious servant had once taken revenge on me for complaining to Mother. In the middle of the night, she threw an entire bedful of insects onto my bed.

“Yuanyuan,” Pei Yan said.

There was a hint of warning in his voice.

I bit my lower lip until I tasted blood, picked up the cup, and drank it all in one gulp.

Father immediately burst into laughter.

“Her Majesty the Empress is blessed by the heavens. I congratulate Your Majesty and the Empress in advance on soon having a noble son!”

Mother immediately went to support Song Zhiwei.

“That filthy thing-Your Majesty, were you frightened?”

Song Zhiwei gave a helpless, reproachful smile.

“Father, Mother, you ought to show more concern for my younger sister.

“Sister, let me help you to the inner hall to rest.”

With a worried expression, she helped me up. But as she turned, she laughed softly by my ear.

“A pearl may be buried in dust, but only for a time.

“Silly little sister. Did you really think His Highness the Crown Prince had that much leisure back then to exchange heartfelt letters with you?”

A pearl may be buried in dust, but only for a time.

Back then, Pei Yan had written to me:

[A fair lady is like a bright pearl. A pearl buried in dust, unseen by all.

[But only for a time.]

He said I was a pearl covered in dust.

Said I was good.

Said I deserved to be loved.

Those words of his had been like a clear beam of moonlight shining into my dark, murky life.

But how did Song Zhiwei know about them?

Before I could think further, the instant the gu insect entered my body, it began gnawing at my flesh and bones.

I lay on the bed, trembling all over, yet I clenched my teeth with all my strength to keep from making a sound.

People would laugh.

When Pei Yan was down on his luck, I married him and entered the palace as the Crown Princess.

In the end, I was only granted the title of Consort Chen.

They had already laughed themselves sick over that.

If they found out that Pei Yan had reduced me to a living medicine vessel for the sake of his Empress…

I would become the joke of every street and alley all over again.

I curled myself into a ball, just like when I was little and wanted someone to hold me, but no matter how I cried, no one ever came.

It felt as if I was sweating through layer after layer of clothing.

As I sank into suffocating pain, my mind filled with all those unbearable, agonizing scenes.

The cold estate. The servants who made their contempt for me plain.

My mother, harsh and severe:

“They mistreated you? You are the daughter of the prime minister’s household. Why would they mistreat you?

“Have you ever thought to look for the reason in yourself?

“Was your behavior improper? Were your words and actions inappropriate?!”

My cold, silent father.

My elder sister, hiding a knife behind her smile:

“My little sister is truly beautiful. It seems the scenery of that country estate really does nourish a person. Surely you don’t blame Father and Mother for never visiting you, do you?”

The grand Empress-investiture ceremony. My husband. My elder sister.

“No wonder His Majesty insisted on making her Empress despite the opposition of all the ministers. She is so much more dignified than that foxlike Second Miss!”

“So what if she was favored alone for ten years? Ten years and not a single child. His Majesty was already more than benevolent not to cast her aside!”

A tearing pain in my lower body, and even a few faint cries from an infant:

“Ah, what a beautiful little commandery princess.”

“Who on earth drugged the lady? What a sin!”

No.

That was not it.

My life should not have been so wretched.

Pei Yan was not like that.

He was a man who had never once stepped into a kitchen, yet he learned to make longevity noodles for me.

He was a man who valued face above all, yet for my birthday gift, he went everywhere borrowing silver.

At a time when he most needed to keep a low profile, he heard someone gossiping about me and got into a fight with them in the street.

After he returned to the Eastern Palace, he rejected the beauties the Emperor bestowed on him three times in a row.

He favored only me.

He always held me in his arms.

“Yuanyuan, everything will get better.

“One day, you will be the noblest woman in this world.

“I will bring everything most precious in the world and lay it before you!”

He had also written me so many letters.

Because his letters came so frequently, the servants at the estate no longer dared to bully me.

He said I was his most precious pearl.

“A pearl may be buried in dust, but only for a time.”

But how did Song Zhiwei know?

Was it… a game he and Song Zhiwei had played together, to tease me?

Was it all… fake?

My eyes flew open. Pain pierced every corner of my body like a sharp blade.

I crawled up from the bed.

“Husband. Husband?”

Linlang hurried in. “Your Highness, what is it?”

“His Majesty. Where is His Majesty?”

“I… I’m in pain…” Tears streamed down my face. “It hurts so much.”

The gu insect seemed determined to burrow into the deepest part of my heart.

To devour my entire heart clean.

“Your Highness… His Majesty is, at this hour…” Linlang began crying too. “He is in the Empress’s palace.”

Boom-

I collapsed to the floor.

It was as though something had come crashing down.

Then came a mouthful of blood.

So it was fake.

All of it was fake.

The pearl, the husband and wife, all of it was fake.

“Your Highness, this servant… this servant will go find His Majesty right now!”

I lay on the cold floor, gazing at the quiet moonlight outside the window.

After that deadly pain passed, all that remained was a faint, tingling numbness.

The scenes that had tormented me gradually mottled and faded away.

Then they formed anew in my mind.

They still looked the same as before, and yet something about them had changed.

I did not know how much time passed.

In my mind, two lines repeated again and again:

From love comes resentment. From love comes hatred. From love comes obsession. From love comes longing.

No resentment. No hatred. No obsession. No longing.

So be it.

No love, either.

I climbed up from the floor.

From outside came Linlang’s delighted cry:

“Your Highness, His Majesty is here! Your Highness!”