chapter 2

No sooner had I finished that task and let out a breath of relief than the System wasted no time in giving me a second one.

“Host, second mission: slap Consort De’s face.”

Consort De’s surname was Jian. She was the daughter of the State-Protecting General, cold and proud by nature, and thoroughly unapproachable.

What she loved most was wielding spears and clubs, fighting and killing.

I rose to my feet in resignation, waved at the young miss’s grave to say goodbye, and left.

The moment I entered the palace gates, I ran straight into Consort De, who was practicing with a silver spear at the entrance.

She swung her weapon with fierce vigor, sweat trickling down her handsome, heroic face, looking coldly beautiful and intimidating.

Seeing me return to the palace, she tilted her chin up and sneered: “And where has Her Majesty the Empress been?”

I gave her an awkward smile and gestured for her to come closer.

Jian Fengchun put away her weapon grudgingly and walked toward me.

I said: “Let me slap your face. Right now.”

Jian Fengchun coolly offered her cheek.

“Hurry up,” she said. “I haven’t finished this set of spear techniques yet.”

I gave her cheek a light tap, and the System’s voice sounded most reluctant.

“Mission complete. Reward obtained: ‘Wash Hands and Cook’ — a skill that lets you attend to His Majesty’s daily needs with meticulous care and win his favor. But Host, completing missions this passively simply will not do.”

I pretended not to hear it and pressed the beauty pills from my sleeve into Jian Fengchun’s hand.

“I know the scars on your body always itch. I just went outside the palace to get these — try them quickly.”

Jian Fengchun didn’t take them.

She fixed her dark, fathomless eyes on me, full of hostility.

I rubbed my forehead in exasperation: “Fine, fine, I promise. I won’t slip out of the palace anymore.”

Only then did Jian Fengchun take the beauty pills.

I returned to my chambers, smiling all the way.

The System grumbled inside my head.

“Host, you’ve forced my hand. We Systems have KPIs to meet, you know.”

I had to admit, the System had a pleasant voice — clear and cool, like a mountain spring ringing by one’s ear.

I begged it softly: “Good System, you came far too late. There’s hardly anyone left in this palace whose face I could possibly slap.”

The System fell silent for a moment, thinking.

“I see,” it said at last. “There’s still one — Consort Qi. She has a System of her own and adores palace intrigue. Your next mission shall be to slap her face.”

I rolled my eyes.

Stupid System.

Everything Consort Qi knew about palace intrigue, I had taught her myself, step by step.

That day, Consort Qi came to spar with me in high spirits.

She set down a bowl of peanut custard and sneered.

“Your Majesty the Empress, you know full well that I’m allergic to peanuts. Are you trying to murder me on purpose?”

I raised the bowl of peanut custard and drank it down in one go, then dabbed my lips.

“My mistake,” I said. “Sister Consort Qi is so meticulous in her schemes — I concede defeat.”

Consort Qi’s eyes lit up, and she produced an item from behind her.

“Wonderful! This time the System’s reward is a tasteless, odorless poison — much more useful than last time’s!”

We exchanged a smile.

As we laughed, Consort Qi suddenly sighed.

“If only this poison had come a little sooner, then Hongxue wouldn’t have…”

I took out the “Wash Hands and Cook” skill and patted her hand soothingly.

“Don’t dwell on the past. Today I’ll cook something nice for you.”

The System didn’t reward me this time.

It decided that this kind of game between Consort Qi and me couldn’t count as palace intrigue.

I chewed on a small meatball, listening as it mocked Consort Qi’s System.

“Anyone can see that one’s a cheap model. It can’t even tell that the two of you are in cahoots.”

I lowered my eyes and answered it with false sincerity.

“I had no choice. If I didn’t befriend Consort Qi, I was afraid her System would turn against me.”

The System was silent for a moment, then spoke up awkwardly.

“Fine. Someone as naive as you will struggle in this palace anyway. I’ll count this mission as complete.”

Consort Qi and I exchanged a glance and nodded slightly.

The men of this world always flatter themselves that women are weak and pitiful.

Fine. Let them keep thinking that.

Whatever I wanted, I would use them to get it.