Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Being a ghost was not so bad.

When the spirit-revealing incense was unlit, Xu Yan could not sense me at all.

When he read, I floated into his arms and sat brazenly on his lap.

When he slept, I drifted to his pillow and traced the shape of his lips without quite touching them.

Xu Yan. Xu Yan.

Why did your brow remain faintly furrowed even in sleep?

I tried to smooth the crease away, only for my fingers to pass through him into empty space.

In that moment, all the pain I had fought to suppress rushed back.

The living and the dead walked separate paths. I had always known that.

And besides…

I lowered my eyes to my chest.

The small soul flame flickering there had grown dimmer with each passing day.

I did not know how long this stolen return to the mortal world would last.

The nights were long and lonely. But whenever Xu Yan lit the incense, I pretended to know nothing and greeted him with boundless energy.

I put on the new dress he had ordered for me and spun in a great sweep of skirts.

“Well? Am I beautiful?”

Xu Yan studied me. “Has Your Highness grown thinner?”

I froze, then turned the accusation on him. “What sort of tailor did you hire? He made the dress without even taking my measurements. Of course it’s too large!”

Xu Yan shook his head with certainty. “I would not misremember a single inch of you.”

Before I could identify the feeling surging through my heart, he had already circled me once.

“You are thinner.” His first declaration.

“I—”

“Your face is paler too.” His second.

“What?”

“Even your voice has grown quieter.” His third.

I might as well keep my mouth shut.

Xu Yan stopped and stared at me.

Those dark, fathomless eyes seemed capable of seeing straight into my heart. His peach-shaped lips parted, possessed of a power that could beguile any soul.

“Your Highness, are you hiding something from me?”

His gaze addled my wits. I answered stupidly, “Yes… I stole your spirit-revealing incense and slipped into the palace to see the crown prince last night.”

His grave expression gave way to astonishment.

I edged away without attracting notice, then burst out laughing. “If you want to coax secrets out of me, you’ll have to do better than that. At least seduce me, Xu Yan.”

How could I possibly tell you, Xu Yan?

Just as you would never tell me your secret.

I retreated with a laugh and moved too quickly. My back struck something.

Xu Yan swept me into his arms.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

Whose heart beat with such vigorous life and such a bright future?

And whose chest remained silent as the frozen road to the underworld, even in such an embrace?

Xu Yan’s arms and chest were warm. I yearned for that warmth, yet knew I should pull away before I wanted it too much.

I pushed against him. His arm might have been forged from iron.

Defeated, I glared. “Xu Yan, what exactly do you want?”

With a perfectly serious face, he said, “I am considering whether your suggestion is practicable.”

What?

My eyes widened as he leaned slowly closer.

His pale face drew nearer. Those peach-blossom lips stopped less than an inch from mine.

Before I leaped from the wall, I had possessed two final wishes: to kiss the tear from his eye, and to learn the taste of his lips.

It seemed one wish would finally be fulfilled today.

I closed my eyes.

For a long moment, no kiss came. Instead, something cool brushed my eyebrow.

I opened my eyes.

Xu Yan regarded me with a half smile. “There was a bit of grass on your brow. I blew it away. Why did you close your eyes?”

I was furious!

I rose on tiptoe and planted a lightning-fast kiss at the corner of his mouth.

Soft and damp, scented with herbs and trees.

His smile went still.

My cheeks burned, but I forced myself to snarl. “You teased me first!”

His eyes darkened in an instant. The arm around my waist tightened.

Forced closer, I suddenly felt parched.

“D-don’t try anything improper.”

Xu Yan raised a brow and smiled so beautifully that my heart might have stopped, had I possessed one. “What would you consider improper?”

He leaned in, one hand pressing against the back of my head.

“This?”

Our foreheads touched. His presence and breath enveloped me entirely.

Just when I thought he might go further, he merely curved his lips and asked, “Did you truly visit the crown prince last night?”

Before I could answer, the wooden door flew open with a bang.

Then came the crown prince’s flustered voice. “Xu Yan, last night I—ah! I saw nothing! I’m blind!”

Xu Yan spun with me in his arms, shielding my whole body behind his.

My bright skirts spilled out to one side, and combined with our intimate pose, they invited all manner of conclusions.

Even though he had embraced me only to interrogate me.

Xu Yan shifted to hide me more completely. “What happened last night?”

The crown prince exclaimed, “Ruiniang came to me in a dream!”

Silly child. He had thought it was only a dream.

Xu Yan gave a quiet hum. “And then?”

The crown prince became even more excited. “She said she was happy to see how much I’d grown. Then she said she might never have another chance to see me, and that made her sad.”

A bead of cold sweat slid from my neck down my back.

Xu Yan’s ink-dark eyes fixed on me, and his voice had turned distinctly displeased.

“Never have another chance to see him? What does that mean?”

My secret was about to be exposed. I shut my eyes in despair and cursed the crown prince a thousand times over.

“I couldn’t understand at first, but now I do!” the crown prince cried. “I failed to carry out her last wish. She is angry, so she will never visit me again! Xu Yan, you cultivate the Dao. How can you hold a beautiful woman in your arms?”

What?

I opened my eyes.

Unsurprisingly, the corner of Xu Yan’s eye twitched.

The crown prince could not see his expression and continued his furious barrage. “Ruiniang loved you for so long! How can you betray her like this? It’s immoral, outrageous, and utterly heartbreaking!”

I had no idea whose secret he had just exposed.

Not daring to look at Xu Yan, I poked my head out from behind him.

“Hello,” I offered dryly.

The crown prince jumped. “Y-you!”

I nodded with kindly dignity and smiled my most approachable smile. “I am your…”

Sister Ruiniang.

Before I could finish, he interrupted with a thunderous roar. “Xu Yan! Where did you find a substitute for Ruiniang? This is wicked. Utterly wicked!”

What?

Xu Yan released me. Gathering my skirts, I rushed over and pummeled the crown prince’s head.

“Are you deranged? You’re the substitute! Your whole family are substitutes!”

The crown prince froze for one second, then fled with his arms over his head, wailing. “Ruiniang, it really is you! You’re back! I knew you had returned. Father refused to believe me!”

At eighteen, His Highness the crown prince was usually a dignified, imposing young man. Now he became the small boy I had so often bullied to tears ten years before.

He flung his arms around me, his face wet with tears and snot. “It has been ten years. I often dream of you jumping from the city wall. Ruiniang, why did it take you so long to come back?”

I meant to push him away, but my heart suddenly softened.

As I had once comforted him through bitter medicine, I patted his back. “Now is not too late. Look at you. You’re taller than I am.”

Xu Yan said coolly, “Not merely taller. He is old enough to marry your memorial tablet.”

The crown prince looked up, still teary-eyed. “Ruiniang, now that you’re alive, will you become my crown princess?”

I stared. “What? Why?”

Had he been secretly in love with me?

I sneaked a glance at Xu Yan. He was staring at the arms wrapped tightly around me, and his face did not look pleased.

The crown prince regarded me solemnly. “During the first year after your death, all the people made offerings. Ten years have passed, and now no one visits your cenotaph. If you become my crown princess, someone will make offerings to you every year for all the years to come. Your incense will never go out, and your honor will never fade.”

So that was his reason.

Moved, I nevertheless ruined the moment with an honest answer. “The truth is, we ghosts do not care much about incense offerings.”

The crown prince looked surprised.

I took the opportunity to escape his embrace and floated obediently to Xu Yan’s side.

Xu Yan glanced at me and said nothing.

But somehow, I could tell his mood had improved.

At last the crown prince recovered. “You mean you’re… still a ghost?”

I gave him an affectionate look. “Indeed.”

His voice caught again. “I don’t believe you.”

Kindly, I held out a hand. “Then touch it. Isn’t it as cold as ice?”

Sniffling, he reached toward me.

The next instant, Xu Yan caught my hand and drew me behind him.

The crown prince’s fingers closed on empty air.

I looked up in surprise.

Xu Yan’s expression did not change. “Her Highness remains a soul. Your Highness carries a dragon aura. Coming too close will harm her.”

Without breaking eye contact with the crown prince, he added, “It is best that you keep your distance.”

This prompted another lament from the crown prince about the cruelty of Heaven and Earth in denying Ruiniang and him the chance to be close. Before leaving, he threatened Xu Yan with dire consequences if he failed to take good care of me.

Xu Yan listened quietly to the whole speech. At the end, he said with perfect sincerity, “If Your Highness visits less often, this subject can care for the princess much better.”

“…”

The crown prince departed, muttering curses. I suddenly remembered something. “He hugged me just now.”

“And?” Xu Yan asked flatly.

I wilted dramatically into his arms. “His dragon aura shook my soul. I can’t stand. I urgently require someone to hold me. Ah, who might the lucky man be?”

Xu Yan actually caught me around the waist.

Startled, I opened my eyes and tried to pull free. “I was teasing. My soul is perfectly well.”

I could not escape.

Still holding me, he looked down with the hint of a smile. “If you are perfectly well, then explain why you told the crown prince that you might never see him again.”

So I could not avoid the question after all. When had he become so determined to reach the bottom of things?

I turned my eyes away.

Xu Yan. Xu Yan.

How could I tell you that fewer than ten days after my return, the soul flame in my chest had already dimmed like snow melting in April?

It was an omen of imminent extinction.

My eyes stung. I tried to angle my face toward the floor so the tears would fall without his noticing.

Only after blinking did I remember that ghosts could not cry.

Then there was no need to hide.

I raised my head with a radiant smile. “It’s like this. My soul gathered for no apparent reason, so perhaps one day I’ll disappear for no apparent reason too. I want to say goodbye to the people who matter before that happens.”

I watched Xu Yan for a moment. He listened intently, though he did not seem happy.

So I offered a very clever repair. “Of course, that doesn’t mean the crown prince matters more than you. I meant to save you for my final farewell. Everyone knows the last guest is the most—”

He cut me off. “Why do you think you will disappear?”

I made a vague gesture toward my chest.

There, hidden even from his yin-yang eyes, my soul flame was as weak and exhausted as its owner.

How many truths can be spoken only in jest?

Even my desire to be near him was half real and half pretense, truth wrapped in play and play wrapped in truth.

I sighed with a smile. “Xu Yan, if I really am about to disappear, would you take pity on me and pretend to love me?”

He looked deeply into my eyes. His face remained as calm and composed as ever.

I could not tell whether those ink-dark eyes held more emotion than they once had.

Then he answered, “No.”

I relaxed, yet some hidden corner of my heart began to ache.

It should not have. I was a ghost. I should neither yearn for love nor feel pain.

Then he said, “So stay alive. I will take care of everything else.”