Chapter 5

Chapter 5

After a whole night of tossing and turning, I still woke on time the next morning. At the Mao hour, I had to pay my respects to the Empress Dowager. It was a rule that never changed.

The weather was stifling, without even the slightest breeze. The blazing sun of the seventh month hung in the sky like a ball of fire, scorching the clouds until they melted away without a trace.

I spread my arms and let Chuntao fasten my buttons. Sunlight pierced straight through the latticework of the window, striking my cheek, hot and glaring enough to dazzle my eyes.

I had just raised my hand to block that blinding white light when, for no reason at all, a sharp pain stabbed through my heart. In an instant, the world spun around me.

Father said I was well-behaved, that I carried the rise and fall of the family on my shoulders.

The Empress Dowager said I was well-behaved, and that she liked me for it.

Zhao Yan said I was well-behaved, that I could be his Empress.

It seemed the best word anyone could use to praise me, Meng Yao, was “well-behaved.” I hated that word. I did not want to be a gourd with its mouth sawed shut.

With a heavy thud, the back of my head slammed hard against the edge of the bed. I heard Chuntao cry out in alarm. A palace maid knocked over a basin of water. The beaded curtain was lifted and fell again as people rushed in and out, the beads clattering loudly against one another.

Everyone was in a panic over me. As the terrible pain surged in, a strange, vengeful pleasure rose in my chest. So this was what it felt like to be the center of everyone’s attention. All of you had finally noticed me, hadn’t you?

My eyelids fell heavily shut, blocking out the piercing sunlight.

I had been so tired all these years.

Let me rest for a while.

I did not know how long had passed before a gust of wind woke me.

Outside, the sun was still viciously bright. A shadow fell over me. I narrowed my eyes and struggled to make it out for a long time before finally recognizing the bright yellow hem of his robe. So it was Zhao Yan.

Then something flung itself onto me, and a woman’s tearful voice rang out. “Your Ladyship, you’re finally awake!”

“Chuntao… what time is it?”

“Your Ladyship, it is the Chen hour now.”

Oh… the Chen hour. I would not make it in time to pay my respects. The back of my head throbbed and buzzed with pain. I hissed softly and reached up to touch it.

A firm force caught the hand I was about to use to touch the wound. Zhao Yan stood by the bed and tucked my hand back under the quilt. Looking at him from this close, he really was beautiful. His sleeve brushed lightly against my face, carrying a faint scent of gardenias that cleared the heart and refreshed the spirit.

Those were the flowers planted in Li Qiyue’s palace. She never used incense, only fresh flowers that were in season.

She was always so special.

“Don’t touch it. The imperial physician just finished bandaging you. I heard from the palace maids that you slept holding a hot-water bottle. In weather this hot, you’re truly being reckless.”

But I was cold.

You had no idea how cold I was.

Under the quilt, I turned my hand over and clasped Zhao Yan’s.

Zhao Yan went still, his eyes lowering.

“Empress.”

There was a warning in his tone that no one else could hear, as if he were reminding me how I had gotten this position.

Then why did you marry me? You could have refused the Late Emperor’s imperial edict granting the marriage!

You are Li Qiyue’s husband, but you are also my husband. If we truly speak of titles and status, I am the one who is your wife.

Where was I wrong?

Where exactly was I wrong?!

I stared straight back at him, my grip tightening even more.

For a moment, the great hall was very quiet. Chuntao keenly sensed something and carefully withdrew to the side, kneeling down.

A young eunuch rushed in, breaking the silent standoff. I recognized him as Xiaoxiazi from Li Qiyue’s side. “Emperor, the Imperial Noble Consort has made lotus seed soup and invites you to go over for a meal.”

I abruptly let go, and Zhao Yan took the chance to withdraw his hand.

Lotus seed soup… I had once made a bowl of it too.

Back then, after taking Zhao Yan’s book, I kept thinking I should send him something in return.

Gold, silver, jade, and precious objects-he must have seen plenty of those. After thinking it over, I decided to send him a bowl of lotus seed soup.

It was a common thing, so it would not reveal how desperately I wanted to reconcile with Zhao Yan. But in truth, that bowl of lotus seed soup had been made from dew I brought people to collect from lotus leaves every morning. All of my sincerity had been simmered into that soup.

But it was just that unfortunate. When I delivered it, Zhao Yan was already drinking a bowl of it.

The bowl he was drinking did not look good at all. It was dark and murky; one could easily imagine how unskilled the cook had been.

In all the world, there was only one person who could make His Highness the Crown Prince willingly drink a bowl of scorched lotus seed soup.

How proud I had been then. I had never deigned to compare myself with anyone. When Zhao Yan asked what I was carrying, I immediately gripped it tightly and said it was nothing, only a bowl of ginseng soup that had already gone cold, and that it would be better to have the small kitchen make another bowl.

How foolish. If I could do it over, I would definitely, definitely send him the lotus seed soup in my hands.

Try it. What if it tasted better than Li Qiyue’s bowl?

The brilliant sunshine outside the window was clearly still unbearably hot, yet now it seemed to have been smothered tightly under a sack, unable to let through even a single ray of light. The oppression made it hard to breathe.

I watched that bright yellow hem disappear little by little beyond the hall, then slowly said, “Chuntao, I feel cold again.”

Chuntao’s voice was clearly choked with tears. “Empress, please don’t take it to heart. If you’re truly unhappy, then beat this servant to vent your anger.”

“Silly girl. Why would I beat you? I’m just cold. Go fill another hot-water bottle for me.”

“But the imperial physician said…”

“I know my own body,” I said, feeling that faint pain in my heart gradually fade away. “Don’t worry. It’s all right.”

Besides, very soon, I would not be cold anymore.

At that thought, the corners of my lips lifted. I closed my eyes again and sank into a heavy sleep.